[Mermaid]

The 12 Steps

Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable
Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God
Step 4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
Step 5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs
Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character
Step 7 - Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings
Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all
Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it
Step 11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out
Step 12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs

This version of the 12 steps is an adaptation from the original 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and is intended for general use with any addictive or dysfunctional behavior.

http://www.12step.org/

See also: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/8576540.stm

[Mermaid]

My name is Mermaid, and I am addicted to love.
Step 1 - I have been powerless to control love, and that it caused chaos in my life
Step 2 - A Power greater than myself can restore my sanity.
Step 3 - I hereby reliquish this power of my self and my life and give it to my God.
Step 4 - My addiction to love has made me feel safe, whole, to complete parts of myself I felt were inadequate. This is an illusion. This addictive sort of love (as opposed to fearless, detached love) can hurt others; when my H hurt me, I was less able to function as a mother, as a teacher, as a friend. I have let my H cause me pain and cause pain to my children, directly and indirectly. True love doesn't do this.
Step 5 - It is wrong to give ourselves so completely to this self-sacrificing love, this self depleting love, this grasping, needy love. It stops us doing what is right, because we are so anxious about getting the next fix, however small. It is not love because it wants a return. True love can let go, when the time dictates.
Step 6 - I am now ready to ask God, my Higher Power, to remove this anxious, grasping side of my character, for my good and the good of my children, family and friends
Step 7 - I humbly ask God to remove my inability to let go, my inability to stop grasping, despite the hurt, my inability tofocus on something else.
Step 8 - Because of my love addiction, I have harmed my Ds, most of all, by giving them a bad example of tough love; I have harmed them by my mental absence beacuse I was obsessed about H, by giving them the example of pain and suffering instead of strength and resolve. I have even harmed H, because I have spoiled him, permitted him to think of himself as the centre of my universe, enabled him to hurt me, so he couldn't grow himself. I have hurt every one who has tried to help me, draining their resources as they worried about me, just because I was unable to admit that I couldn't let go.
Step 9 - I will make direct amends to such people wherever possible,
Step 10 - I will continue to examine myself to see where I have been wrong.
Step 11 - I will meditate and seek my higher power, for the knowledge, wisdon and ability to walk this path.
Step 12 - I am open to  a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, and share this message with you, my fellow LBS.

[xyzcf]

This is wonderful but oh so very hard to do! I wake every morning in sadness. He's here in our home for the last week that I may ever see him again in my life, and I just want to run into his arms. I'm cutting our conversations to the bare necessity and being with him only to prepare the house for sale...I still don't really understand that once he leaves, being in NC will have any effect on bringing us back together, but I do think it will allow me to find my path.
I too have subjected our daughter to this chaos and have caused her pain as she witnesses the deterioration in her mother. I want my relationship with her to be about us, not the sadness that is the result of my addiction to her father.
Thanks for sharing this Mermaid..we all need to contemplate and look inward...asking God for His help each step of the way.

[StillStanding]

I still don't really understand that once he leaves, being in NC will have any effect on bringing us back together, but I do think it will allow me to find my path.

He has an expectation this his life will be easier or happier after the D because he doesn't realize yet what you being out of his life really means.

Who here hasn't made a choice -- changed jobs; moved to a different town or city; heck, went to a movie -- and realized afterward that it didn't turn out the way you hoped?

[xyzcf]

That makes sense but somehow I feel that going through this process of emptying our home, putting it up for sale and dividing our assets..he will go to Brazil and I to Canada and even if he wanted to at some future point, he wouldn't allow himself to come back to me. I know that this is typical MLC behaviour but this is a much darker place than we have ever been in before. I know it doesn't matter what I do or don't do, the outcome will be the same. I know that for my own life, this is the only road that I can take right now but I do  not have as much hope for us as I did over the last 14 months. He's such a loner and I'm sure because he can be so charming he will not lack companionship..plus he seems immune to any of the moral and ethical things that I face.

[LettingGo]

Bottom line is.... you don't OWE him. You get to do what you want to do for YOU. I know you have the same dilemma as many of us... you're still married so you don't want to commit adultery, BUT, why should you live without ANY relationship comforts at all when your husband is behaving as if he is single.... because in his mind,  HE IS!! He made his choice, changes every day, BUT..... it's still his choice. You get to make your choice, also....

[StillStanding]

Bottom line is.... you don't OWE him. You get to do what you want to do for YOU. I know you have the same dilemma as many of us... you're still married so you don't want to commit adultery, BUT, why should you live without ANY relationship comforts at all when your husband is behaving as if he is single.... because in his mind,  HE IS!!

I don't think the standard of "well, my MLCing spouse doesn't have that problem" is one worth aspiring to. There's a fair gap between having companionship with other people and committing adultery.

xyzcf has plenty of options that do not entail becoming involved with someone while she is still married. There's no reason she couldn't spend some quality time with other people, even members of the opposite sex, as long as expectations are made clear and she doesn't put herself into a situation where something can "just happen".

[xyzcf]

Wow- StillStanding..I'm not sure that I would trust myself..you know, after so much rejection, so little affection that I could find myself going places that I truly do not want to go...having promised to remain true to our vows. Yes, I can have male companionship as long as it is clear to me but sometimes friendships have a way of turning into love relationships...and in some ways wouldn't that be even harder? My thought is that I NEVER want to allow myself to be hurt this way again and that's so sad because it means putting up a wall for protection and not allowing myself to believe in the dream of love...and I am full of love to share.

As soon as I can get resettled in my new home, a dog will be in my life. Companionship, affection...and of course dog spelled backwards is God. I'll ski and listen to music as loud as I want, I'll dance in the moonlight, I'll meditate and practice yoga for hours or days if I wish, I will fill my home with peace, calm and welcome those who would share a cup of tea, a glass of wine and some lively discussion. I will plant flowers, I will lie on my back and count the stars. I will become alive again!