[Rollercoasterider]

On her most recent thread—either now locked or soon to be locked, Onward made some interesting points regarding comparison. This issue of comparison is not directly an MLC issue, it’s a communication and community and social issue and it is important that we understand this issue amongst ourselves in order to help us get along and support each other. With that I mind I am excerpting post #100 from Onward’s thread—I have emphasized a few items with bold formatting.

I woke up early this morning. I’ve been mulling over the whole notion of living in limbo for quite some time. That, and comparison and the role comparison plays in incubating doubt.
…

I do still look at the situations of other members to see where there are similarities and differences and how I might learn and where I might contribute.

Sometimes, I still fall into a comparison trap. That’s human nature, I think. Maybe it’s just me. But the stories of others make me examine my own, and if the critical mass seems to skew in a particular direction it can have a positive or negative effect on my own stance.

I know I still have to do to tame the inner dialogue that magnifies doubt.
Those inner conversations tend to run like this:

“So and so’s H is demonstrating a lot of contact. (Mine’s not; who am I trying to kid.  He’s never coming back.)

So and so has children. There’s a reason for them to get back together. (We don’t. He’s never coming back.)

So and so and so and so and so and so are moving forward with divorce. (Maybe it’s time I faced facts and stopped delaying the inevitable)

So and so is dating. (Maybe I should start looking.)

So and so shares a lot about their personal life and activities. (Maybe I should share more so people know more about me.)

Whoa – so and so is making some destructive choices (Don’t go there!)

I find I really need to be aware of the difference between healthy comparison and judgment, and I don’t always do that as well as I would like.

And I’ll confess, I am sensitive to posts and threads that imply someone is doing a better job of owning one’s life than another, or that a particular choice of moving forward with one’s life – either “standing” or not – is somehow superior to another.

What is the right next step in growth?
What is anyone’s right next step up the ladder?
What direction is ‘moving forward’?

My level of sensitivity depends on the day.  I like to think I’m normal, so I suspect that is also true of others.

And when I peel it all away, and look really hard in the mirror, the thing that really bothers me is that I know darn well I am on HS because there is no where else to go where I think people will at least appreciate that the choice to stand for one’s marriage may not make sense in a culture that says throw away what’s broken, but it is a choice that is worth respected and the people who are making it are worthy of respect.

When certain people are held up as exemplars, when all encompassing terms like LBSs, MLCers are used, it may not be intended, but it does invite comparison. And as any of the members who are parents here know, comparison undermines others.

And looking even closer the thing that really bothers me is that comparison plants seeds of doubt.  And doubt is deadly when one is already vulnerable.

This not my expression, but it is one that I’ve adopted lately:

 “Don’t let doubt take you out”.

I will never know what might happen for my marriage if I don’t let the process play out.

Right now, I am an HS poster child for living in limbo.

I have more to say about that, but I’ll save it for another post.

What’s going to happen?
I have no idea.
But when it comes to my marriage, I will never know if I let doubt take me out.

Onward brought up some important things that I had not considered.
What is the difference between healthy comparison and judgment?
What constitutes healthy comparison?
Since comparison undermines, how can it also be healthy? Maybe a Pro and Con list.

[superdog]

Hello,

For me comparison is often a good thing. But it only serves as healthy when we see it to grow our own minds.

On HS i have seen a lot of instances where someone reads and says no, thats wrong, i am right, listen to me. Instead of reading, thinking, why someone else may say or do something and "wondering" is that a way in which i could think about that too that would better serve my needs.

Comparing lets you focus on whether you are travelling or stuck still. I am stuck because i will not open my mind to other views, ways of living etc.

I think if viewed through a mature lense it is very healthy.

If viewed through the lense of self doubt and low self esteem then it is damaging. Whats wrong with me,? Why arent i there yet? Why does my bum look so much bigger in that.

Pros- it helps us grow
Cons- we beat ourselves up and come to false conclusions.

Sd
X

[Searching4Answers]

This is very timely for me - I have been struggling recently with feeling beat down and not being where I think I should be. I think that I have been judging myself too harshly.

For me, I see healthy comparison as uplifting and motivating. When I see someone else accomplishing things that I want to accomplish, I am motivated to do it because I see it as obtainable. I am optimistic but when I am feeling overwhelmed or stressed I see it as "I am not good enough".

I think that the difference may be our state of minds when the comparison is done.

I do compare myself to others regularly to check-in with myself to see if I am moving forward or if I am wallowing. I have not figured out how to be 'ok' with wallowing when I need to be. I get frustrated with myself when I feel that I am wallowing too long - this is what I am feeling currently.

Healthy comparison can be very valuable - it makes me self reflect. It allows me to put myself in the other persons shoes and figure out how I would handle the situation.
     - based on logic and reason

Unhealthy comparison makes me beat myself up (judgement). It makes feel that I am less than.
     - based on emotions

Sometimes I feel like I am comparing myself to others to help me move forward like I can't/won't move forward on my own.

[Reallytrying]

I think comparison often has the potential to be dangerous especially in situations where we don't have context or the full story. I do think it is natural for us to compare ourselves to others but too often we appear lacking.  There are obviously instances where comparison provides motivation or new ideas and approaches in which case it can be healthy.

I also think it is very dangerous to use comparison as a way to tell people that their chosen path is wrong. For instance - I choose contact with my h and that didn't work for someone else - doesn't mean either of us is right or wrong in our approach. In this case I see comparison as the means to judgment rather than encouraging growth. I think, especially on a site like this, that we must be very careful to not appear judgemental. It is very possible to disagree and provide constructive feedback without making a person feeling inadequate.

[OffRoad]

For me, comparison is about looking at someone else's situation, seeing if anything there applies to my own, taking anything I can use to improve my own life, and throwing away the rest.

With an at home wallower, my situation cannot possibly apply to someone with a clinging boomerang and vice versa. Trying to compare how I deal with mine, who is in my face every day, with one who alternately ignores than comes close is an exercise in futility.  But that doesn't mean I can't get some good out of how someone else deals with their situation.

I sometimes think that when comparisons are made, the context might be being somewhat lost, which causes some people to unfairly compare themselves with other LBSs.

We come here a wreck, trying to make sense of why our lives as we expected them to be have blown up. We don't want a divorce. We come here so we don't feel crazy when the rest of the world tells us to kick the spouse to the curb. We feel a sense of belonging. It's why you often see members with similar situations linking up. When our situation seems to be "less than" another's,  it generates fear that we aren't doing "enough". But we cannot possibly know all the nuances of another's situation. To me, this is another lesson available. Learning when a comparison is appropriate and a teaching moment, and when it might be an emotional wave we need to learn is ok, and how to ride it out. That last one I got from reading here.

[Mitzpah]

I think comparison often has the potential to be dangerous especially in situations where we don't have context or the full story. I do think it is natural for us to compare ourselves to others but too often we appear lacking.  There are obviously instances where comparison provides motivation or new ideas and approaches in which case it can be healthy.

I also think it is very dangerous to use comparison as a way to tell people that their chosen path is wrong. For instance - I choose contact with my h and that didn't work for someone else - doesn't mean either of us is right or wrong in our approach. In this case I see comparison as the means to judgment rather than encouraging growth. I think, especially on a site like this, that we must be very careful to not appear judgemental. It is very possible to disagree and provide constructive feedback without making a person feeling inadequate.

Bravo!!

I agree entirely.

I am very sensitive to comparison. I viscerally hate it. I try not to engage in it. On the other hand, I understand the value of comparing oneself with others in similar circumstances as a way of measuring progress... yet I am reticent to even look at this. I remember being a first time mother at 30 and watching all the other (much) younger mothers interacting with their babies in the waiting room at the pediatricians office. I was a very relaxed mother and my children reflected that. I learnt to dismiss the feelings of inferiority and inadequacy  in that office I also learnt not to criticize other mothers even if my views were different. This education continued when I became a 'cancer mom'. Comparison is very dangerous when you are dealing with a deadly disease.

Just to say that comparison is poisonous, IMHO.

Follow your own leading, intuition and principally your 'higher power' and leave comparison behind!

[Trustandlove]

I agree to a huge extent with Mitzpah:, I, too, in the early years compared myself and my situation to others and so often tried to follow a "proven" path.... 

Learning from others is great, and I, like so many others, look for and am drawn to situations which appear similar to see what can work and what won't. 

I of course am now the one further along this path than so many others; perhaps others are looking at my situation and seeing what NOT to do.    Or perhaps they take something useful. 

I, too, remember early motherhood and feeling so very inadequate because my children were different; it took a huge amount of energy to realise that I had to do what was right for my own children, not for anyone else's.  In so many ways the same applies to my H's MLC.

Comparisons may be more useful earlier on in the process, when there seem to be so many more similarities -- and working out if it is MLC (or whatever crisis we are calling it) in the first place. 

As this is one of the few places that supports standing, and the idea that our spouses are in a crisis rather than horrible people in their core, that is one of the most useful things. 

As each one's crisis progresses the differences start to show up; that is when it can be useful to see that we aren't completely alone, because the "real" world has a tendency to just want it done and dusted. 

The place where comparisons are destructive are, yes, as others have said, where they are used to judge someone for doing something that "didn't work" -- when the person judging did something else that "did" work. 

Or where someone is so angry that they can't see why someone else might not be equally angry with their spouse and treat them kindly. 

Or where a standing spouse who comes here to say that she or he is lonely, and they are told "well, you chose to stand, it is lonely, your own fault".  That kind of thing. 

But that now veers into the whole idea of if we do or don't accept MLC or not....

[Thunder]

Trust,

You're so right.  Just because someone is angry with their spouse does not mean we all are.  So naturally we will treat our spouses differently, and that's ok.  Every situation is different and unique.

I can definitely see where going NC is good in some cases.  For me it would have been bad, or if you have kids together it could be disastrous.  Then you're better off going Dim or Dark.

I do this comparing your situation is good on some level.  You could pick up some good pointers, by someone in your situation.  If they tried something and it had a positive effect.

I don't encourage anger, but sometimes anger propels us forward.  I just don't feel because you are angry others should feel angry too. 

[OldPilot]

Concerning Anger,

The LBS also goes through all the stages of grief so all will have some period of anger, how long each stays in this stage depends on whether each individual faces the issues and works on them.

It is no different for us than the MLC'er only maybe we don't have as much denial, but my observations are many DO.