[Trustandlove]

Mixed, I think.  My FIL passed away about 5 years before BD, indeed, there were people who wondered if he never dealt with his father's death properly.

At BD and for years afterwards my SIL (H only has one sister) said that I was family, that I mattered, that I was important, all that.  For the first few years they were exasperated with him, she would moan to me about how he wasn't doing what she needed (MIL had alzheimers), etc. 

It slowly eroded, however.  At first when they came to town they would stay with us, then they started staying with H. All probably around the time of OW5.  That was the first one he took to meet them. 

As a side, they thought she was just number two, they had no idea about any others.  I think he edits what he tells them as well.

Since then it's not been great; while MIL was alive I continued to go see them, to take the children there (MIL was in a home near where they live), I had the privilege of sitting with MIL for a couple of days before she died.  Needless to say, H didn't.  As a matter of fact, right before the end H called me saying that his sister was a mess, that he couldn't really deal with her...  so I did. 

SIL and I had words earlier that year, as I didn't go to a big birthday party she had, where she had invited OW5.  I told her it was a step too far, that she had no idea how much my children were hurting, etc.  (It would have meant taking the children out of school, an expensive flight, all that).  It was then that H started divorce proceedings.  (H didn't ask to take the children himself, I should note)

But SIL was still cordial to me, I think she needed me for support as MIL was dying, which H wasn't providing. 

The children and I attended the funeral, OW5 didn't. 

Since then we have been cordial, but she hasn't called me -- I call her once or twice a year. 

They have also accepted OW6, SIL's H once got angry at me and said "just move on"; I've explained that I have "moved on", but that I'm not a martyr, all that. 

Interestingly, the children and I are going to stay with them this weekend, as we have an event to attend in this town.

We have had some discussions, those never end well.  In general her stance is "he's my brother, he's all I have left, I will do whatever he wants".  I did call her out on it once, saying "you say I'm so important, but you don't walk the walk" (in a more polite way, of course), and she just got angry and said that my kids were treating H badly. 

I've chosen to remain cordial; I don't regret saying the truth, but it never goes anywhere.

It's partly a "blood is thicker" thing, partly that she is one of those people who just doesn't like to talk about difficult things of any kind.  I didn't understand that for a long time; she has said that she wanted to be there for me, as I was for her when her first H left many years ago. 

But now that H is behaving like her first H it seems OK with her.  I've called her out on this as well, but of course that doesn't do anything.  I'm not sure what her definition of "being there" is, but it's not the same as mine.

While MIL was still mentally here she was furious at H; had his father been alive I'm pretty sure he would have given him a piece of his mind. 

SIL said that she had "said her piece", but she also took H's statement that he had been miserable for most of our marriage at face value.  Her H saw more clearly at first, but he now just wants a calm life, and they can have a nice holiday where H lives so that's enough for them. 

But H's cousin and wife have been my strongest support throughout, and they continue to be.  That's the only other family H has in this country, others are distant cousins scattered around the world who really don't have any close connection. 

So I continue to be cordial, respecting SIL's request that I not talk about her brother, but if it comes up I will say my truth. 

The kids have been upset with their cousins, who happily spend time with whatever OW is around, I've explained that it's completely different for them, it's not their father, it's just an uncle who does "cool" things. 

I once had to ask nephew not to show my S pictures of them all going out with OW, explaining in one sentence that my S wanted his father, he couldn't have him, and asking nephew to think what it would be like if it was HIS father.  Nephew, to his credit, never did anything like that again.

My kids would like their cousins to understand, but that may not happen.  Perhaps when all are much older....

Whew -- long winded.  This must be weighing on my mind!

[Trustandlove]

Me again.

I think my SIL is just one of those people who wants things to be "nice".  Her response to me when I said that it was a step too far to expect me to go to a family event where H would be bringing OW was "you don't have to talk to her". 

Unfortunately she also has that avoidant side to here, like H; in her case her H deals with the less pleasant things in life for her.  I remember how upset she was that he wouldn't deal with her first H about something to do with her eldest S, she even said "why do I have to deal with this?".  Her H said that he couldn't, I remember saying that "You are eldest S's mother".  That was years ago.... 

H, of course, also used to despair of that.  Indeed, while MIL was still alive he'd still call me as she'd get too upset. 

I could be cynical and think that while I was useful, i.e. while I could deal with unpleasantness so she didn't have to, it was OK, but that since then she hasn't bothered.

I have hope that someday even they will see that H just jumps from thing to thing, that even they will roll their eyes. 

SIL did say a few years ago that she thought H would be like their father, but that he wasn't, and also that he thought that love was the infatuation bit, not the real thing.   But as he's all she has, so she says, she'll take it rather than risk losing him.  She hates any confrontation.

 I think they get a very edited version of his life and they don't choose to look any further. 

[Mermaid]

I've had a great experience with my MIL.

Although she was somewhat bossy, interfering and could be manipulative, our best interests were always close to her heart. She's an incredibly generous person, and has fantastic relationships with all her 9 grandchildren, even though they are mostly far Away.

I'm the foreigner here, an English woman living in Portugal. Although I live in the north, and MIL and 3 SILs live in the south, she's always been very supportive, even when I couldn't speak Portuguese (and she knows no English). She told me I was another daughter.

Even before BD, when H was being impossible, when she was around, she'd say "I know he's my son, but he's wrong".

After BD, I spoke to her a lot by phone, although I tried not to upset her. She was totally on my side, and said that OW would never be welcome in her house. She was so mad at him, that they could hardly talk for a long time. Eventually, when OW disappeared, even though H was still being distant, she thought I should just ignore his behaviour and get on with my life.

My FIL was brutally killed many years before, but he sounded like a wonderful man.

[AloneButStrong]

Mine have been great. They still want me to come visit just as much as I always have. My MIL makes it fairly obvious to him that she doesn't support his decisions, but doesn't say much, and doesn't tell him what he should and shouldn't be doing.

They all tell me that he seems a bit out of his mind right now, and that hopefully it will blow over and he'll come to his senses (especially when his new antidepressants fully kick in) I'm not so sure of that, but they seem to be. MIL joked that she should lock him up in a padded room for a while.  When he told his sister about the very young girl he had an affair with, she just laughed in his face.

They are definitely siding with me at the moment, but are trying to keep the peace by saying as little to him as possible about the situation. I feel lucky to have such wonderful and close in-laws. I'm actually closer to them than my own family!

[in it]

I dont think the ExMIL will ever see there's anything wrong with the ex.
Her little baby boy is perfect.