[justasking]

My 18 month point was Feb 2010. There was a def change in H approach. Up until then he can been very confused and sailed close to home constantly.

In Jan 2010 he withdrew particularly from me initially and then the children. No texts, emails or phones all of which I was getting prior to Feb. He became more and more distant until Oct 2010. Then the odd text started again. Infact my H behaviour mirrors Glimmers in that even when he visited he would leave the room or ignore me if I was near him.

I believe that from Feb 2010 he was in the deepest part of the tunnel and since Oct 2010 he has been in awakening but still lives with OW and boy she is taking some shifting 

xx

[ece711]

All I can suggest is, know the stages but don't put any numbers on how long it lasts because they all vary.  Besides counting the days/months/years won't help in your detachment.  It sounds like some EXPECTATIONS are attached when it comes to counting days.

[justasking]

Ece


I agree. There should be no expectations attached to reviewing our journey and that of our H/W.

But if we are to have greater understanding in the longterm about the journey then we as LBS become important carriers of information for research. It is therefore important that it is recorded.

BUT newbies should not attach any significance for major change on their time line. This should only be done retrospectively.

xx

[whyme2]

I am just wondering if my H was in this whole mess before we got M??  If you have read my long and drama filled thread.....I reconnected with my HS boyfriend after 20+ years.....right before we reunited.....he was having an A with a married women (he was single, she was married with 2 other kids and her extended family devout Mormons)...a love child was bore from this affair.  Long story short...she has stayed with her H and they live as a family (she was not willing to break the religious ties).  My H has a tremendous amount of guilt over the A and more so over the child that he is not apart of her life. 

With that being said, and now seeing all this mess....we have been M 2 years and dated 1 year before we got M.  He was 42 at the time we got M and had never been M or really in a long term committed R......as the A with the younger girl (she was 15 years younger than him at the time and he was her BOSS) he had before we were ever M.....the A with her lasted on and off again for 2-3 years.  He told me 8/10 that he was not happy and wanted to be alone.....he was having to had a time adjusting to being M.  I begged, cried and he stayed out of guilt.....then he said the same thing 11/10.  He stayed again as my grandfather had just died.....I thought things were much better after the holidays and BAMB........he leave like a thief in the night 2/18....moved in with his mom, until he could get the renters out of his house he had before we M.  He moved back into it April 1.........my R is different in that he does contact and wants to date and see how things go...he has never done the SPEWING.....so many speak of.  So I am in a bit of a different sitch....I am 90% sure there is no OW (could be dead wrong)...but he is just not the player type.....yes he had a A with a M woman.....but my H is 45 and had sexual relations with less than a single handful of women and has been single till he was 42...and that number includes me from our HS days.....so he is not the type to hop in the sack with various women. 

Sooooooooooooooo.....some have told me they do not even think he has MLC, rather bipolar....but he has a tone of the signs and says the same verbage.....but research and looking back....does anyone think he was in REPLAY back when he had the A with M woman, before me....and maybe he is depression/withdraw now...do they run in those stages???

Help me out here.........
thx

[ece711]

Ece


But if we are to have greater understanding in the longterm about the journey then we as LBS become important carriers of information for research. It is therefore important that it is recorded.
xx

Justasking,

 I understand...  I just think that the best way to get numbers is to recall the events after the crisis not during.  Even if you read the stories of people that successfully navigated through are from recollecting them, it didn't sound like they were recording them as they were going through it.  Just my .02 cents.

[Mermaid]

Ece


But if we are to have greater understanding in the longterm about the journey then we as LBS become important carriers of information for research. It is therefore important that it is recorded.

 I understand...  I just think that the best way to get numbers is to recall the events after the crisis not during.  Even if you read the stories of people that successfully navigated through are from recollecting them, it didn't sound like they were recording them as they were going through it.  Just my .02 cents.

Everybody rewrites history, changing their personal narratives according to current perceptions. The process of how we navigate this journey and negotiate our change with ourslves is important for understanding what we go through. At the end of the story, we just get another version.

If we could quantify everyone who goes through something which could be classified objectively as MLC, and then assess the outcomes, we could "get numbers". But numbers wouldn't help us anyway; we would never know if we would be the x% who succeed or y% who fail; believing one thing or the other may change how we navigate our journey, and may mean we don't detach enough to complete it.

[LisaLives]

As a confessed data geek, I love this discussion.  Some people find comfort in statistics, others feel fear, or shame, but no matter which side of the fence, you are on, I read an essay when our kid was diagnosed with cancer (which he didn't have, but that's a long story) by Stephen J Gould called "The Median Isn't the Message."  I think it was OP who said MLC is like cancer--it really is, and this essay is pertinent to anyone facing either challenge.  The risk in trying to quantify anything is that each and every one of us is still just one case, and we could be the outliers... 

But for the sake of data collecting, I am only at 15 months, and by 18 months, the divorce will be final, I will be started in a new career, and a single parent with my  ex moved across the country to be with OW, so I may never know the end of his story... 

I tend to get comfort from those statistics, but

[Buggy31]

My timeline is odd because H revealed affair in 2009 and ended it and stayed home...I believe this may have interferred with replay.  He resumed the affair at the end of 2009/2010 and just recently I am seeing some of the changes that Storm Rider spoke of ...actually very much like Storm Rider.  He has just started to recognize issues in the kids and other such stuff...like how the situation is hard to take...before he would have been WHATEVER.  OW is still  on the scene very much but he's starting to glimpse at home in some ways which are hard to explain but just noticing home more and asking about me.  His BD #2 was around April last year...this was the biggie when he said he would leave.