[Happylight]

Thank you so much for providing the insight and we really appreciate your H sharing as well. 
You stated that realizing the mess he made was gradual.  I would be interested in hearing more about the inner thoughts on the processing through.  How did realizing the mess he made look on the outside.  Did he start moving back toward you before he even finished processing all of that or was moving back toward you still partly in the fog at first, or did he start moving back toward you when he was fully snapped out of it? 

Also, where in the timeline did the AA come in?  Was that on his own? 

Again, thank you so much for sharing.

[KellBell]

Thank you so much for providing the insight and we really appreciate your H sharing as well. 
You stated that realizing the mess he made was gradual.  I would be interested in hearing more about the inner thoughts on the processing through.  How did realizing the mess he made look on the outside.  Did he start moving back toward you before he even finished processing all of that or was moving back toward you still partly in the fog at first, or did he start moving back toward you when he was fully snapped out of it? 

Also, where in the timeline did the AA come in?  Was that on his own? 

Again, thank you so much for sharing.

Hi- sorry it took so long to get back. I only check back every so often. But as to your questions...I think he just finally got to such a low point and a dark place that he had two choices- keep going on that crappy path or figure things out. He was very isolated. He up and left to another state and didn't know anyone. And the mutual people we knew were like "you did what!? why?". He was lonely and the bachelor life wasn't what he thought. Every time he would visit the kids it was awkward and forced. The girls and I would all hang out and do weekly dinners and he would hear about it secondhand and feel left out.  The first month I yelled at him, asked to please talk about things and move slower. After that I was just detached, he was going to do what he wanted and no amount of energy on my side was going to sway him. So I focused on me and the kids. I didn't yell anymore. I only talked to him when I needed to. Set personal boundaries with him. And really started focusing on myself and my future. I went back to school, started exercising, hanging out with friends more and got a job. On my end- it was to keep me busy so I could detach from his mess but on his end he started seeing me as someone other than the a mom. Seeing me move on and succeed was heartbreaking for him. Heartbreaking because he felt guilty for holding me back from being this person (he didn't but he felt guilty and thought I blamed him) and heartbreaking because I was moving on in a good way and he was sinking deeper into darkness.

That's a long way of saying - it was gradual. He said he immediately regretted what he did but felt he had to see it through because something had to change. MLC is based in depression and for whatever reason they really are struggling. I was to blame and he was so sure of it. But then he left and it was just him. I wasn't around to blame and that was eye opening. I also think he realized how much I did. All the little things that he took for granted.  It would have taken him longer and possibly not at all if he had found someone else or successfully transplanted to his new town. I do think that helped our situation.

My younger brother is going through his own MLC and left his long time girl friend, moved across the country and is getting married soon to a 23 year old and now wants to have a baby. He keeps pushing the wedding date and when my mom went to visit said it was very toxic. Last week he texted me asking if he should message his ex or if I had heard from her and how was she doing. I do think he will realize he messed up but will never go back. He would rather live the rest of his life regretting that decision with a dismissive "oh well what are you going to do". So I think it's dependent on the person. Do they think they've done too much or gone too far to ever redeem themselves or see a way back.

My advice would be to focus on you. You can't figure them out or try to fix them. Just be a positive in their life. Set boundaries to minimize the hurt. It's ultimately up to them and you. How much is enough for you? They aren't helpless in this. They do have a say they are just choosing to be selfish and put themselves first to try and fill a hole or fix something. They know it's not right and that you aren't to blame (even if it's just a tiny little notion).

[KellBell]

I'm not on here much anymore but wanted to check in. This forum brought me so much comfort at a dark time. Comfort in knowing I wasn't going crazy and comfort in knowing it wasn't all on me. MLCers do such a good job of making you feel small, insignificant and fully at fault. And honestly I think that's what upset me the most about his whole crisis. The manipulation and blame that was so intense I was left questioning every facet of my being. We have been reconciled for almost four years now- remarried for three and I still get a little PTSD when a disagreement pops up. Nothing crazy- just a valid disagreement. When we first reconciled, every disagreement would freak me out, my chest would tighten and I would over analyze and think about what will happen if I say this and how will he react to that. I would go into planning mode and think about what I would do if he left again and how things would work. Being a few more years in- I still have an instant reaction to disagreements but I'm more confident in voicing my views regardless of he agrees. I do love him. But I also know love isn't enough. So I can only do what I can do and the rest is up to him. Some day he may relapse and leave. But I also know I've tried. I've forgiven. I've given more chances than anyone deserves. And I know in my heart I've done all I can. What will be will be. Coming to that realization is a huge weight lifted. Things feel less intense.

Anyway- we are doing great. Things between us are better than ever. Our youngest daughter - the only one still at home- is 14 and she still hasn't forgiven him. They argue a lot still partly because she's a teenage girl but also because there is still a lot of hurt there. He's really starting to see the totality of the damage he did. So yes- even after reconciliation the MLC fallout is still present.

We recently became grandparents and another grand baby is expected in a few months. Shocked me at what a great grandpa he is. And all the support he's offered and given to our daughters during their pregnancies and now. He's come a long ways and love that he's embracing this new season of our life.

Wow- I rambled on. But really just wanted to say thanks. Sending so much love and light to all those going through this.

[xyzcf]

I loved reading your update! Congratulations on becoming grandparents!

Someone will read your story and it will help them, help them to realize that MLC is a destructive force that affects so many family members and friends, and that restoration is possible, but that it is also difficult.

Healing occurs, whether the MLC makes it back or not...the choice is in our hands. Which gives the LBSer power to direct the course of their lives.

The affect on our children matters a great deal to me....I think I could handle his rejection/betrayal and abandonment a bit better than my daughter has been able to. Or maybe as her mother, her welfare was greater than mine to me....

We do not know the end of our story. My husband became ill and showed up as soon as he received his diagnosis and spent the next 6 months before he died with me.....I had always kept the door open and he had always stayed "connected" and the things that I learned during those 6 months is that he always loved me (had a funny way of showing it). I do not think he would have made it home if he had not been so sick.....I don't know if we could have grown old together after 16 years apart.....I am grateful that we had that time together.

I often tell people, for many situations, to really trust their own inner voice about what to do...there is no right or wrong answer. We are all a product of our own experiences and formation of our beliefs......

I see your lives together as a true gift. I totally understand that there is still PTSD...I think there always will be, for all of us...this traumatic event changed us deeply, and for so long I felt it had destroyed me...but it didn't.

Best of luck and please come back now and then as others do and let us know how things are going.