I passed the four month mark two days ago....... wow time flies.
Looking back over this brief time, in which it feels like years have passed... I thought I'd compile what has really helped me.... and to a lessor extent what has "helped" my MLC'er.
This is all about what worked... what forms of a thing worked better or worse...
1. Prayer. Absolutely #1
You didn't break them, but the one who made them can fix them.
When: Everyday, multiple times a day.
How: Comprehensive prayer.... Mostly for me (for guidance, understanding, strength, what my problems are and how to fix them.. then for protection for me and W, then for specific people individually..... I don't pray for W, I pray that God has her, he knows what to do and I'm standing aside for him to work on her the best way. Surrender my "hold" on her).
Why: When this all started, I didn't know what as going on.... but I did know what to do.... get as many people praying as soon as possible. This is key (IMO)... as many people as you really trust, praying every day. When things got worse (and they did, much worse) pray MORE and with MORE people. When it's hopeless, pray. I had encounters and experiences and instructions which were.... wonderful, powerful, and sad. Prayer #1
Did it help MLC'er: YES!!!! I credit prayer (God) to all good things which have happened with my W. All of it.
2. Mom (or the 1 person who is always there)
Everyone has someone, even if you don't know it.
When: Everyday at least once a day. Yeah it's a drag for someone listen to us all the time, but what you build in doing so is beautiful. This person really saves your life as we LBS's can and do have breakdowns of our own. My mom has been my sounding board, confidant, and encouragement. Our relationship is the best it's ever been in my life. It really is a beautiful thing to have someone to talk to once our spouse has checked out. I think it's critical that we have this. A sibling, a friend, a parent... whatever it is, get someone.
How: Phone calls every day after work. It's 5pm... ring ring
Why: It's so easy to feel alone, even when going out for fun. A full room and it's the emptiest place on earth. We must release or it will overwhelm us. We must have another opinion as ours becomes clouded in a fog all our own.
Did it help MLC'er: YES!!! By keeping your sanity and appearing strong... yes it helps the MLC'er. No weakness allowed!!!! Strength and decisiveness is a must!!! Running your "flawless" plan by someone before doing anything is a smart move.
3. Internet forums (HS is the best!!!! HB is great too)
Somethings only experience teaches.
When: Everyday, multiple times a day.
How: HS = the best place I've found with the nicest people. It's the people which make a great board, the writings are icing on the cake. HB is great too, but can be very harsh. The people here you just latch on to, root for them, and wait for a happy ending. Detachment at home, attachment on HS!!!!
Why: Places like this really saved me after BD. Without this, I just don't know what would have happened. Knowledge and friendship.
Did it help MLC'er: YES!!! Learning what they do, how they feel and develop an ability to communicate and empathize. Empathy and as much understanding is important especially if they are still communicating, While they are in an altered state, they are still people..... people with feelings, expectations, hopes and dreams. As these are the only thing they care about, learn from others what these could be, confirm with those with experience and then FIT IN. So much to learn, so much to fix in you, so much to adapt. It's an identity crisis, show that you CAN be part of that new identity. They chose you once, be chosen again if the opportunity presents itself (it won't always). Get a body, get fun, get creative.... and if at the end you have no H/W..... you still have your better self.
4. Coaching calls and IC
When a professional is called for
When: When you're totally lost
How: Quick plug for RCR coaching call..... awesome!!! Put my mind on the right path of dealing WITH an MCL'er instead of ignoring. IC is awesome and helpful, get it if you can. Coaching calls, fantastic.... I wish insurance covered them
Do NOT buy Divorce Busting coaching for MLC problems. If you can only get one thing, Buy RCR coaching!!!! She's amazing.
Why: We don't know it all. Actually no one does and we need to piece it together and move forward the best we can. Some are much better than others. Especially in the early days when we are falling apart.... it's important to do the right things, and to KNOW you're doing the right things. Peace of mind is critical for sanity. Knowing you did all you could, to the best you are able...... no "What if's" allowed.
Did it help MLC'er: YES!!! More strength, more knowledge........ project strength and decisiveness to MLC'er... and if you can, some hotness too
5. Detachment
There are times to dummy up when taking hits
When: Whenever 'ol Shark Eyes is around
How: GAL it up, hide away and read, get a hobby, and DON'T TAKE R TALKS PERSONALLY (avoid if you must). What they do isn't about you. Can't change them, can't fix them, debatable if you can help them any normal way.
Why: You love your spouse. You trust your spouse. You believe your spouse. When their love is absent, the trust is gone, and the faith is tested...... the ears must go deaf, the mouth must shut, the mind must be quieted, and the heart must be stilled. The spouse we love has slumbered and so must we, or we shall mistake them for dead.... and so would we.
Did it help MLC'er: No. It's all for you. Preserve, endure.... live to fight another day. It's for healing and rest and improvement, but get back in the game. Engage. Be available. No one won a game sitting on the bench.
Well, my thoughts.
Feel free to add
-SS
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Things which help LBS/MLC