[terra]

Without reading everyone’s responses first, I’ll say that I think h and I are almost 3.75 years into the drastic. BD ow1 was March 2016. False return summer 2016. BD ow2 August 2017. False returns up through summer 2018. I returned here and started posting early summer this year because he’d issued what amounted to BD ow2 again, and tonight I am pretty sure I have ended my Stand, as August this year seemed like yet another BD regarding his loyalty to ow2.

At about 3.5 years into the most drastic, h seems very committed to staying on with ow2 for the next four years, as I remain in place raising my teen daughter alone/unpartnered, coparenting with her dad. H tries cake eating and all I can say is there’s zero benefit or reward for me in that. I am currently fully NC and ignore his bland every two weeks emails. I hear more from my xh than I do from h. This bugs me.

For my part, I joined a women’s bible study locally this summer and am leaning into the structure and comfort of those weekly meetings. I’m grateful for my good relationship with my child and glad that I took the summer off from working, to be present for her and to heal from everything else that has been troubling this past year.

I’m still angry at h and I think I wouldn’t be so much if he would just leave me alone and stop refreshing the injury. Since last communication, I can’t see him as someone I’ve loved. He’s managed to push the envelope of ow2 so much that it now feels like he belongs to or with her, and that he was never part of my life at all. So eventually I think I won’t be angry at him anymore. The person I had a life and love and family with is gone.

I dreamt about him and S last night. They stayed close to me and I stayed apart. At 3.75 years into the most active worst of it, I’m done.

I don’t want any of it back. I just want to move forward, and have to now.