[OffRoad]

I cannot seem to think of the correct succinct question, so I will explain here.

After BD, I found I could no longer concentrate long enough to read. I love to read, but just could not at all. Stringing together thoughts was difficult, favorite hobbies fell by the wayside because, like a lot of us here, simply getting through the day took every ounce of strength and concentration I had. I started driving off road at that time because the adrenaline associated with it forced me to concentrate on what I was doing. It was the only time I felt like I was in control of anything.  With hiking, I just had to force my body to move, no thinking required. I reupholstered the couch because it didn't take any brain power (for me-I'd done that kind of thing before). My physical body could muscle memory through the day with any brainless activity (put...clothes...in...washer...), but anything that required neurons was pretty lost to me. Eventually, any kind of creativity left me

At about 2.5 years in, I was able to read short stories again. Shortly thereafter, I had the energy and desire to start building/creating again, although it was slow going. I recently started to reupholster the loveseat to match the couch. (Yes, the fabric has been cut out and sitting in a pile for over 4 years. I could not gather the energy to remove the old upholstery)

As I was shopping on Amazon, I read some of the reviews I had written on products I had purchased from before BD. They were intelligent, articulate, witty even. And I realized that the level of cohesiveness that I was able to articulate in those reviews has only started returning in the past year, and I still don't have it altogether. I seemed to lack the ability to care if I have that articulation level anymore. Except now I've seen it and I want it back.

What else have I "lost" or dumbed down or let go because I was just trying to keep afloat? I acknowledge that I was hit with D leaving for college, then BD, then a live in MLCer, then having to find a job after 15 years of mostly not employed and supporting D and S and myself while XH disappeared, then S leaving for college, then S going to live with his father, then my mother getting ill and dying, and maybe that slowed me down. This is the first time in....ever that I get to only think about what I want. And I want ME back. ALL of me.

I think the question is actually more than one.
     What, if anything, did you stop doing after BD that you used to love?
     How long did it take you to get back to doing what you used to to (if you wanted to get back to it)?
     Were there any new things that you started after BD that you feel you need to stop doing?
     Were there any new things that you started after BD that you want to continue?

[OffRoad]

     What, if anything, did you stop doing after BD that you used to love?
   I stopped reading, stopped creating, stopped finishing things, stopped being sassy, stopped being social, stopped listening to music, stopped just BEING.

     How long did it take you to get back to doing what you used to to (if you wanted to get back to it)?
   I started getting back to it one step at a time about 2.5 years after BD. I didn't even realize how much of what I loved to do was still missing until recently.

     Were there any new things that you started after BD that you feel you need to stop doing?
   Stop procrastinating. I never did before, but I certainly do now. I don't like it.

     Were there any new things that you started after BD that you want to continue?
   Driving off road. Go figure.

[Thunder]

OffRoad,

I used to read at least a book a week, avid reader. I now read articles, newspapers and news on line and many other things but I have yet, after almost 8 years, to read a book.
At first I thought it was just because my mind wouldn't let allow me to concentrate long enough.  I now think I just lost my love of reading books.  Poof...gone, and it doesn't even bother me.

The new thing I started doing is just an extension of what I used to do, and love, is research. Any new topic that comes up I don't understand, or want to know more about, I go research it.
I starting getting into Genealogy and I find it fascinating.  I've been doing it for well over 4 years now that I don't think I will ever give up until I reach a dead end. There is always new places or sites to explore.
I found a lot of old ship records in various places, showing how my family, on both side, came to America.  Some through Ellis Island, some through Canada and found relatives I was not even aware of.
The best thing was talking to old relatives, they have a wealth of family information.

I also started being more physically active, which I love, never did before and that will remain.

Can't think of anything I started but wished I could give up.  Gave up snooping years ago, if that counts.  lol

Hope that's a bit of what you were looking for.

[AlvinTheMaker]

Excellent topic OffRoad 

     What, if anything, did you stop doing after BD that you used to love?

Like you I pretty much stopped BEING....

Passion towards work (for business owner it is bit of a must have)... poof, gone, vanished...
Passion towards antiques & collecting (I could spend number of hours with my stuff every week) ... poof, gone, vanished...
Passion towards reading (I used to read 30-50 fiction books a year).... poof, gone, vanished...
Passion towards cooking (I loved creating new experimental dishes and treats for my loved ones to enjoy)... poof, gone, vanished...
Passion towards cleaning (I'm one of those guys who dreamed of steam cleaners, LOL)... poof, gone, vanished...

The only thing that wasn't killed was love for being with/around kids.   They (and routines being with kids) dragged me through the worst, brought daily moments of happiness. 


     How long did it take you to get back to doing what you used to to (if you wanted to get back to it)?

The first bits of old me started coming through at about 4-5 month mark. It did not happen automatically, it was fully concious effort where I just "forced myself into doing" even if it felt like $h!te.  I'm now at 10 months, and some things (like cleaning, cooking and work) have restored to maybe 60-70%% passion I once had,  likely because they are things where I get a lot of (daily) repeat even I don't feel like it.  There are still days when all of it sucks, but there are more days when I very much enjoy and am able of being creative.   

But the rest of bunch, reading, collecting - it's still very low/non-existing, say 5-10% of what it used to be. I have read few books, but I'm not loving it the same way yet...  And few months back I picked up an early 20th century "collectible" book about world history. A true masterpiece of craftmansship with decoraded leather covers etc. Just sheer beauty to hold and look at... Just buying it felt so good, but yet it has been sitting on my table untouched ever since (which is bit of a waste).... But I know these things will come back, as I want them back.

     Were there any new things that you started after BD that you feel you need to stop doing?
Spending time here, LOL.


     Were there any new things that you started after BD that you want to continue?

Mindfulness is one of those things....  And taking care of my body.  I now love hiking / walking / running (used to hate all of them).   And I now enjoy, even expect the moment I can hit into gym.  And I would love to get back into dancing (it is one of those things I did and loved before W, she never was into it).

And music... God, I did not even recall how much I enjoy music. Yet another of those things I lost when growing up, entering parenthood...   

And I have started to notice that my creativity and imagination, the ones that I lost when I grew up/entered adulthood, have started to make come back...     As a kid and teenager I used to draw a lot, and write fictive stories of my own. With adulthood that turned into collecting (art, drawings, books etc - basically admiring and feeding myself with stuff created by others)...  Now all those things from my youthdom seem to be making some kinds of comeback.   Few months after BD I did what was the "general advice" - try being creative. Well, I did paint few images of my W.  They came out pretty decent... Now part of desires to draw more, I sketch something almost daily,  not portraits but stuff that lives within my head (fairies, elves, dragons, spirits of nature, absolutely everyting mythological).

The path of becoming LBS is truly mysterious one.  You loose a lot, you gain a lot...

Alvin

[Treasur]

     What, if anything, did you stop doing after BD that you used to love?
Gosh, lots of things. Anything extroverted and anything creative really. The big marker for me was that I could not bear to work in my garden at all which had always been a soothing, safe place for me. Cooking. Listening to music. Paying attention to the news. Laughing. Shopping. Planning. The work I used to do. Travelling. Crowded or noisy places. Celebrating anything like birthdays or Christmas. As you say, anything that was about passion or life force really. I stopped caring about anything much at all. Looking back I think I faked it for about six months then everything fell off a cliff lol.

     How long did it take you to get back to doing what you used to to (if you wanted to get back to it)?
About two years in very small steps....but more of a snowball in the last few months. Getting thevallotment in Feb 18 was a big step forward for me. Not all of it is back though and I seem to go slower from thought to action than I used to.

     Were there any new things that you started after BD that you feel you need to stop doing?
Procrastinating for me too. Smoking. Over complicating things. Assuming the worst would happen even in small things. Reading about MLC/depression/pTSD et al. Going to therapy lol.


     Were there any new things that you started after BD that you want to continue?
Walking. Listening to podcasts. Deeper faith. Being more focused on small joys and the natural world around me.

[Prism]

Wonderful topic! I've been wondering if I'm ever going to be able to read a book again.    Good to see I'm not the only one!

What, if anything, did you stop doing after BD that you used to love?
Reading books. I've tried in fits and starts - I get partway in and just can't maintain the interest. Fiction, non-fiction, it doesn't seem to matter. Just about the only books I've completed in the last 2.5 years are ones related to depression, psychology, relationships - stuff to help me understand what happened. I haven't decided whether it is an attention span problem or difficulty sitting still. I am fine listening to podcasts and watching Great Courses lectures on TV.

How long did it take you to get back to doing what you used to to (if you wanted to get back to it)?
Still not there on the reading, 2.5 years in. But there were a lot of things I never stopped doing at all - walking, listening to music, going to shows and concerts, kayaking...

Were there any new things that you started after BD that you feel you need to stop doing?
Still spending too much time dwelling, I think. Unavoidable for a while, but it seems like I ought to be able to do less by now!

Were there any new things that you started after BD that you want to continue?
1. Meditating - that was definitely new for me, as I was desperately seeking relief from the stress and anxiety. I'm not as regular as I'd like to be, but it's been a valuable coping tool.
2. Journaling - another enormously helpful self-care tool. Helps to get the emotions down on the page, where they become easier to understand and manage through.
3. Cooking - I used to enjoy this years ago, but for the last 15 years or so pre-BD H had taken over the responsibility. Now, no matter what happens, I'll keep cooking.

[gman242]

I'm glad to read this and realize I'm not the only one lol.

What, if anything, did you stop doing after BD that you used to love?
Writing music and generally feeling like I knew who I was. Like you, OffRoad, I preferred the physical activities over anything that would leave me alone with my thoughts. In being active, I had the satisfaction of getting things done around the house too along with my other activities like walking and airsoft and doing then just allowed me to shut down my mind.

Now, I don't really know what the issue is. What's changed is that I'm a single dad now and there's a lot of work involved in parenting and getting him to school and taken care of at home. I found I can't put my mind into "fantasy" or play mode anymore. I don't know if that's because I'm still stuck in LBS mode, although I really don't think so. I just think I don't have the free time I need to, to unwind and then get into it, as I did when I had xw to trade off with. Next year, I may be able to answer this question when S is in college. I found in summer I was able to get into that frame of mind because our commutes were much shorter and I think that has a lot to do with it.

How long did it take you to get back to doing what you used to to (if you wanted to get back to it)?

I kind of answered that in the above question. I guess I smooshed them together.

Were there any new things that you started after BD that you feel you need to stop doing?

Not really. i'm not 100% sure what you mean by this. I think like all of us, I went into some unhealthy coping things.. like I was walking almost an hour and 30 minutes a day and my body hurt like hell, so I quit walking to that extent a long time ago. But I never had any activities I did just to get out and do something. Everything I did or didn't do was something that I did at some point previously.

Were there any new things that you started after BD that you want to continue?

No, but.. I want to be more active. Before BD, xw was the 10,000# gorilla and her depression dominated everything. I'd like to do more history, nature, see newer places, maybe even scuba dive again since I have my certification and I haven't done that in years. I want to have more of a why not attitude to things.. concerts, going places ect.

[terra]

Excellent set of questions — and answers!

What, if anything, did you stop doing after BD that you used to love?
Reading books. I’ve purchased maybe four or five in the past 2.5 years and it’s like I can’t sit still long enough to finish them. Impatient with fiction, technique, or the organization of the content. Which is weird but maybe speaks to a general and still ongoing sense of alert/alarm.

Also, exercising, extroversion, being among people in person and sharing myself out loud.

How long did it take you to get back to doing what you used to to (if you wanted to get back to it)?
Still not doing it much or at all yet, really any of it. Starting to be with humans again or at least practicing with a great circle of ladies in a weekly in-person Bible study group. I can’t fathom doing any of the exercise I used to love, yet: yoga (too many humans), swimming (too many humans, in pools, and no buddy for swimming in the sea), or hiking or nature walking (again, no buddy for it; my dog is epileptic so he’s a house and yard guy).

I last swam in the sea about three weeks after BD. I’m happy to say that a few months ago, I returned to the sea on a group outing of total strangers, and the benefits of that swim eclipsed the knockout of what h said to me the very next day. That swim *still* eclipses it.

I’d say it took almost exactly two years for me to be safe sharing with humans again, and to get back into the kind of swimming I most love to do. 

Were there any new things that you started after BD that you feel you need to stop doing?
Dropping off the face of the earth is not really my style, so I kind of hope that will stop. I started drinking hard liquor after BD and am *really* happy to report that it never got out of control and also just didn’t stick.

Were there any new things that you started after BD that you want to continue?
Right after BD, my daughter introduced me to k-pop, and honestly I think that saved my life. For sure it tended my heart in ways other music never did. We traveled a lot this year and last to see artists who are just amazing and vibrant and fandoms that are great to be around. The energy around the music uplifted me when I thought nothing could. The one downside is that it costs a lot of money to travel and attend these shows, and right now I’m at a low cash-wise, so dialing back. But still listening to it in the car everywhere we go.

The Bible study group is also a lifesaver, and I can see continuing in those themes for a while. Not MLC-focused, still marital-focused, but really focused on healing at an individual level among others who are on the same type of journey.

I also spent a mint on indie fragrances just in the past few months, following another ? minor? BD. I’m not sorry I did, it’s a blast having an array of meaningful compositions available to me every day and in any mood. Have had lovely interactions with the makers and communities and have managed to resell a number of “not for me” scents, again with lovely interactions.

I’m getting ready to go back to work and have decided that all of my clinical trainings belong on my resume, finally, although they have nothing to do with my original career. So I’m excited to bridge this world of MLC and trauma psychology and healing into something different going forward for my current career path.

Thank you for asking these questions!