[tinnat]

I've been wondering about timelines of affairs within the context of a MLC. 

Basically the question is: when an affair starts, and particularly when it finishes, where is the MLCer in the MLC fog tunnel?   My H may have been in a non-obvious MLC for some 2 or 3 years before he met OW.   And now the affair seems to be dwindling, I'm not sure he's really anywhere close to the end of the tunnel, but perhaps it's too soon.

Is there any information available about this?   What is your experience?

[UrsaMajor]

I've been wondering about timelines of affairs within the context of a MLC. 

Basically the question is: when an affair starts, and particularly when it finishes, where is the MLCer in the MLC fog tunnel?   My H may have been in a non-obvious MLC for some 2 or 3 years before he met OW.   And now the affair seems to be dwindling, I'm not sure he's really anywhere close to the end of the tunnel, but perhaps it's too soon.

Is there any information available about this?   What is your experience?

Where they are in the tunnel is anyone's guess. They can jump headlong into an affair at the beginning of real replay and they can start the forty-leventh affair just before the end of replay. Bottom line is that, timeline watching or trying to taste green with your elbow just isn't all that productive in being able to tell where the Mid-Lifer is in the tunnel. They can end an affair only to start another one so that is probably the LEAST reliable predictor of stage watching (ending an affair).

Any time they are having an affair though, they have their heads shoved deeply into their ... fog...

My xW had a VERY short affair (basically a few One Night Stands with the same OM) which ended relatively soon after we separated. Does that mean that she is coming out of the tunnel, Hades NO!  She is a low-energy Wallower that had a manic High-Energy Replay phase right at the beginning but is now wallowing along in her self-imposed pity party after getting the magic D that would solve all of her problems (until it didn't) and has absolutely NO intent of looking at her own issues so will likely stay in the fog until she goes on to the next life (following in FIL(RIP)'s footsteps). It is sad but it is not my journey to influence.

[Whyus]

I guess here too, each MLCer is different.
There is no one rule for all, thats why we look away and try not to think of timelines and stuff.
Basically, anything is possible.

[tinnat]

Thanks for the replies.  Well, it might be useless to look at timelines, but on the other hand I am sincerely hoping this is not going to take another 3-5 years. Frankly in that scenario 'looking after myself' will mean a divorce and thus freedom to partner with someone else eventually.   It may sound selfish, but the loneliness - the lack of emotional (and physical connection, let's admit it) is too much to bear as a 45-year-old LBS, particularly when I think that ultimately perhaps there might never be a reconnection. 

[UrsaMajor]

Thanks for the replies.  Well, it might be useless to look at timelines, but on the other hand I am sincerely hoping this is not going to take another 3-5 years. Frankly in that scenario 'looking after myself' will mean a divorce and thus freedom to partner with someone else eventually.   It may sound selfish, but the loneliness - the lack of emotional (and physical connection, let's admit it) is too much to bear as a 45-year-old LBS, particularly when I think that ultimately perhaps there might never be a reconnection.

It could very well take 3-5 or more years for him to get his head out. The timelines though are NOT a guide which you can rely on. HE has to make serious choices and then ACT on those choices, consistently and reliably. HE has to get his FOO issues sorted and learn from them what he needs to learn in order to have a mature relationship that is capable of standing against the whims and winds of the world. These are choices HE needs to make and you can neither make them for him nor can you realistically influence his choices (You can lead the horse to water but you can't make them drink).

The risk that the Mid-Lifer takes is that the LBS decides that their lives are better off NOT waiting for the Mid-Lifer to get their head out and the LBS moves on. Sometimes, it is exactly that feeling that compels the Mid-Lifer to get the help they need to deal with their issues. Sometimes, the Mid-Lifer just feels relief in the initial stages as there is no longer any "pressure" perceived and they feel a remission of guilt because they can justify their actions because "Hey, LBS is happy now with someone else so what I did was OK because they must not have really loved me as much as they said" and all that nonsense that MLC'ers use to justify their actions.....

You need to decide what is in YOUR best interests because the Mid-Lifer is most certainly NOT going to be taking that into account... they will be looking after their own interests only until they finally come up for air.... If they ever do.....

[Thunder]

Tinnat, that's very true.  You could be waited 3/5 more years or longer for him come out of his crisis.  It's also true there may not be a reconnection.

These are very tough choices to make for all of us.

It's good to live "as if" they are not coming back, because you should not be putting your life on hold.  Make your life as happy and full as you can.  Anyway you can.
Does that mean dating?  Not necessarily, even though some have.
We all understand the loneliness.  It's very hard.

But another person in your life won't help much if you still love your H.   They would just fill in some time.

The other choice is to divorce him and move on without him.  You're only 45 years old, you still have, God willing, a long life to live.

These choices are only for you to make, tinnat.

A person can have hope in their heart, that things work out in the end, but there are no guarantees.  So do what is best for you.

Hugs

[tinnat]

It could very well take 3-5 or more years for him to get his head out. The timelines though are NOT a guide which you can rely on. HE has to make serious choices and then ACT on those choices, consistently and reliably. HE has to get his FOO issues sorted and learn from them what he needs to learn in order to have a mature relationship that is capable of standing against the whims and winds of the world. These are choices HE needs to make and you can neither make them for him nor can you realistically influence his choices (You can lead the horse to water but you can't make them drink).

I've learnt that  . The only person I can control is myself.

[Treasur]

Tbh, in a weird way bc it is SO destructive and so obvious, it has often seemed to me that the affair is a rather unhelpful distraction from assessing MLC-ness. Which is difficult bc ow/om is a very practical (and reasonable) barrier to any kind of reconnection or repair.

If one can detach enough to be able to look at other 'markers', I guess the big two that seem to jump out are a sense of entitlement (the old Me Me scale) and how much empathy is shown (or even interest in anyone else's feelings or POV.) Tricky bc entitlement and lack of empathy show up in different ways sometimes, and people can say one thing but do another. And all you can work with is what you've got in front of you isn't it? Which may or may not change at some unknown future point so it's a gamble either way. While the LBS decides how much of a gamble is too much I suppose.

If you ignore the ow issue, tinnat, how entitled does your h seem to feel about getting what he wants in the way he wants it? And how much interest or empathy does he show about what it might be like to be in shoes other than his?

I always found that easier to see as a set of behaviours in my xh tbh. Both in what he did or didn't say/do/ask. But also if I thought hmmm....what would someone look like in this current situation if they didn't feel entitled or felt more empathy towards other people affected by it? Bc in normal life, we know what those kind of people look like and how it feels to interact with them. Hopefully we have some of those people in other bits of our day to day lives lol. So it's easier to see and trust our own benchmarks I think.

[Songanddance]

Thanks for the replies.  Well, it might be useless to look at timelines, but on the other hand I am sincerely hoping this is not going to take another 3-5 years. Frankly in that scenario 'looking after myself' will mean a divorce and thus freedom to partner with someone else eventually.   It may sound selfish, but the loneliness - the lack of emotional (and physical connection, let's admit it) is too much to bear as a 45-year-old LBS, particularly when I think that ultimately perhaps there might never be a reconnection.

My H started his affair in 2013 just before BD. The affair finished 2016.  I am still wondering when my H (who never left home BTW) will ever come out of the tunnel.  He's reconnected with people including me on the whole but is still not interested in committing to the marriage and still keeps talking about being on his own.   He's never shown remorse, never apologised for hurting me and seems to be reverting back to tunnel behaviour again. Nearly 7 years now.  None of this is short lived - none of it.

[barbiedoll]

Its all a guess is it not ? I wish there were more concrete ways to measure this madness , but there is not.  I suspect my husband was struggling looong before I clued in. In hindsight ( of course ) he was working at almost a frantic pace , he was very very "hyper" and short-fused with his boss and co-workers. He in fact hated a new employee that was hired and I have never none him to even dislike someone. So that was very unusual to have him go on and on about how the new guy was an a##. In actual fact, he was a "alpha-dog" threat to my husband and that was the start of job discontent and bitterness. Anyway, he started an affair in February ( maybe March) and it ended late November . When did I discover it?  He was living "somewhere" outside of our home and it was not until late November that I figured it out. So, for me I knew there was an affair days before he wanted to come home. It really is a nightmare remembering that time. I am one of those LBS that told my husband that I would NEVER forgive him, I never intended to lay eyes on him as long as I lived ...and I sure meant it. I proceeded to see a lawyer, make changes at the bank, locked up all access to money, moved everything he owned into garage ( and he was told to come and get it) , changed the locks . And , NO.... not EVER will I talk to you about anything until times ends.  SAME DAY he received all this information, he came to talk to me at work....as if I didn't just say I would never talk with him.  He refused to leave until I came outside.   To make a long story short … he was hospitalized , dumped the OW ( he says he dumped her several days before ) and begged to "fix the mess he made".  I guess affairs are just not that exciting when the "wife" knows. I have no real idea.   I asked my husband ( a million things ) when he began to feel "unhappy"  . He told me he has never experienced "happy" ...ever, in his entire life. Imagine? . He has always struggled . Wow.