[jmnab]

...and this is okay.

About 4 months ago, I posted my first thread, but recently had the mod delete it. As I read through it,  I realized I had given way too much detail for comfort. But I'd like to share my progress if it would be helpful to anyone. I've also gained more insight reading the threads of others, and getting perspective from the new folks here who've actually experienced MLC themselves.

My story in summary:
My mother was in and out of the hospital with cancer late summer last year (Aug). After cleaning her home, H (almost 50 at the time) and I were driving and he said he didn't want to be married anymore. More sad experiences with mom. One month later (Sept) , H expresses our marriage had failed. Went on vacation after another month (Oct.) and mother died while we were away. While on vacation H's sister kept talking about how much he'd "sacrificed" (as if I'd been living a life of luxury while he toiled... um ... no). Two days after flying home and starting funeral plans, H expresses again that he doesn't want to be married. Funeral and cleaning for sale of mother's house happen (Nov). The entire time H seems emotionally dysregulated and angry, crying off and on. In December, we take a short vacation. Three days after we return H demands a divorce and his personality completely changes. I begged, pleaded, cried, did all the wrong things. We fought for weeks. He completely shut down emotionally, said vile narcissistic things over and over, moved all of his belongings into a storage facility and then moved thousands of miles away (in Jan). He blamed me for every problem he's ever had in life, only remembered and spoke of every bad thing in our 23 year relationship,  denigrated me at every turn about everything you could think of (appearance, how I take care of the home, my work, my hobbies, what I've deprived him of, etc.), seemingly trying to scorch the earth and psychologically destroy me before he left. He had the shark eyes. He couldn't look me in the eye. For years we held hands walking into church on Sundays. He just gave up on it. He worked out constantly. There is a lot more, but you get the gist. He got an apartment in his new location. To this day I don't know if he had an EA or PA at that time. I don't think he did.

We stayed in contact for several months (all initiated by me). Conversations were terrible. At this point I was seeing multiple therapists, and taking medications as I couldn't eat or sleep. I dropped nearly 40 lbs over the course of 3 months. I couldn't even grieve my mother's death. At this time H was completely hostile and wanted nothing to do with me. But at the same time said things to elude it wasn't all about me. He wanted to be single, free. He kept saying I had to let him go and that he just wanted it to be over. He seemed unhinged. I still don't know if I was the only one he treated that way.

In March I found a good job (I had taken a year off and wasn't working at BD). H had agreed to delay on divorcing but set a deadline, agreeing to give me more time if absolutely necessary. I was still in the home and he was paying the bills. I knew my H wanted a new life, but I didn't think it was fair for him to completely blow up mine. Once I found work I contacted my lawyer to draw up a settlement agreement. H was terrified I was going to ask for spousal support (guessing it threatened his freedom), so I was able to negotiate the settlement very heavily in my favor (85/15... that alone is strange in my opinion). I have many on this forum to thank for their advice about that earlier on. I am now divorced and no longer speak with my xH. I have one digital channel of communication open, and that is only for one last detail I have some time to settle. I don't reach out unless it's absolutely necessary, and when I do, I don't even write complete sentences. I don't greet him, and I don't thank him. I don't think I owe him that. I will delete that channel once the task is complete. It's best this way.

I've taken care of most of the details of the D. He hasn't been doing any of it on his own. Part of me wonders if he would have filed had I not.
I don't know if I will ever see him again. If you'd have asked me if I loved him three months ago, I would have said yes and started sobbing. Now I'm not so sure. I'm not on social media, so I no longer pain shop. A couple of unconnected friends have seen profile photos and they say he doesn't look like the same person. One said he looks angry. One says he's becoming ugly. Maybe they say these things because they are defensive of me. I have no interest in finding out what he looks like now. In my opinion he was a very handsome man. I loved him for a very long time. I think it would make me sad to see current pictures of him. I wouldn't recognize him. I'm treating it like a death, because he is no longer the person I married.

These days I spend a lot of time in nature and with friends and family. I'm starting to plan some trips to Europe and Africa. I've joined meetups, made new friends, and enjoy hobbies. And I'm going to start dating soon. I've decided not to wait too long because more than anything, I want to have fun. I also really like my job, and the people I work with. It was interesting today... somehow one of my coworkers was joking about buying a car being a midlife crisis. We started talking a bit more and I discovered that a close family member of his went through something similar to my xH (plus an affair, minus moving away) when he (the coworker) was young . He, too, used the word "unhinged." The description of the lack of empathy was chilling. We commiserated for a bit on how some people just lose their sh*t in life, then went back to telling jokes and chatting about snacks and recipes. It made me realize that this kind of behavior has probably negatively impacted more good people I've crossed paths with than I know. It also felt really good that laughing about Pringles and BBQ ribs was more important to me in those minutes than my MLC and potentially BPD/NPD vanisher ex spouse. Maybe a sign of healing?

It sounds like I'm being insensitive to my xH, but this is his crisis, or whatever. It's all him. And if he wasn't so escapist I likely would have tried harder. Honestly, if MLC truly is his thing and he comes out of "the fog," I would like to see him again someday, but I'm not holding out any sort of hope. Maybe it's not really that important to me anymore. I really don't know how I'd react. I'm only 10 mos. post BD and 5 mos. post move out, which probably makes me a bit defensive. Most days now, I don't know if I ever knew him. Did he just hide his real self for 20 years? Maybe I wouldn't recognize him if I saw him. I certainly didn't before he left.

I can sympathize with those that feel a need to see their part in the demise of a relationship, but if those dynamics are the problem, there also needs to be a chance to try. I didn't get that chance, so I'm not blaming myself anymore for that. And yes, I get the idea that we all need to do the work, whatever that means. For me, I think it means figuring out what I don't want, and how much pain I'm willing to tolerate. I have tremendous respect for those that keep trying, though. I would have done the same if I'd had more of a chance, but right now it feels like my threshold is pretty low!

I'm blathering a bit, but my point is, I feel better. Y'all were right! This experience is the absolute worst thing I've ever been through, but it has been very empowering. And it's taught me to have gratitude. I still have bad days. Thoughts about it still pop in my head. Right now, it feels like I'll always have a bit of a hole in my heart, but over time, I know it will get smaller. And who knows, maybe I'll be able to forget about it for extended periods of time. Especially if I have some Pringles on hand 

[Treasur]

Ah, the healing power of Pringles - who knew? 

More seriously, how nice to hear that you are moving forward from this truly awful experience with such a positive spirit. Well done bc none of this is easy.

You will have read here that there is sometimes energetic debate about the pros and cons of maintaining some contact, particularly if you are still open to reconciliation or have children and want to maintain some possible version of a ‘family’ unit. Imho this isn’t a one size fits all issue and sometimes the cost of contact can be psychologically quite high for the LBS.

Some of us here, me included, did not really get that chance bc our spouses essentially disappeared. Hard though that was, nowadays I tend to see it as a strange blessing. It was easier to let go of thin air and easier to essentially mourn the husband I’d loved without having to deal with the unhinged angry person he became for too long. I knew he wasn’t actually dead but I behaved as if he was bc that was the closest I could get to what felt like it happened. It felt more normal somehow bc in real life people die and grieve and are forced to make a different kind of life. Whereas I didn’t know anyone in real life whose spouse had become unrecognisable and plain weird in the way I’d experienced.

Is there still a hole years later? Yes, I think so but it’s a slightly strange set of emotions and thoughts that I’m not always able to describe. But faded in the sharpness of its sting, I suppose. Both the love and the pain. And that feels like a strange blessing too. Mostly. Most days. I wouldn’t have chosen any of it if I’d had a choice and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else as a life experience. But I didn’t get a choice and sometimes that’s how life is, isn’t it?

[KayDee]

Thank you for sharing jmnab. What you wrote makes complete sense. No blathering  I could have written much the same about my own situation. Except your bereavement - so sorry - I hope you have finally found the space to grieve your mother. I have a similar approach to contact. Very early on my body told me that my H represented extreme harm and my bodily response was to keep him as far away as possible. Intellectually, I knew he was in crisis, unhinged is the right word, so, although I never initiated contact I did respond when he reached out. But this took a toll on me in the end and was too much. Because he continually threw my compassion back at me. I too felt that, at times, he wanted to destroy me somehow. But I also know that he loves me deeply. Deeply being the operative word, because he's put that in his own proverbial box and buried it in the garden, because to look at my pain is simply unbearable for him. So, well, who needs that kinda love - right? What I have learned about my H, which I never understood properly when we were together, is that he has severe anxiety. That is what he masked, perhaps because he was ashamed of not being able to cope with much. I believe that is why he was drawn to me. I am an emotionally strong and a practical gal and I pretty much did the coping for the outfit. My H wasn't able to show up for the hard things in life. I think he tried, but he just didn't grow any resilience (major FOO here). When we had a tsunami of hard things, he disintegrated and ran. I think Treasur once pondered whether we non-crisis spouses were actually pretty great partners, in that we actually held things together longer than would be expected. I've raked over my H contradictory behaviour with my therapist to the point of over-raking, but what seems to be likely is that all my H's inconsiderate, self-focused, often cold behaviour is a form of self-protection on his part. Ultimately, he 'ran' to a shrunken world - he has settled for a more reduced life, one less demanding in terms of personal growth. And perhaps for a person with severe anxiety this makes sense. I wonder how many others on this forum have noted this about their MLCr?

I am now at a point where I can actually look at our life together and know that it was real. That the relationship worked in the context that we had then, and that we did love each other very much. I believe my H's 'mask' was his very deep seated anxiety, which he was no longer able to contain. I don't excuse his behaviour, we all have to take responsibility for ourselves, and his actions have hurt many, but it does help me to better grasp the situation and know that I did my best. As did you. Hugs, KD