[Treasur]

I can only speak for myself, but I know there was a point when I knew that the answer for me was No.
That whatever happened I could not retrieve what I had valued so much and that I could never be myself safely again now I knew that he was capable of doing some of the things he did. Or seeing me as he did to be able to justify doing them. As Sada said, actually the affair was surprisingly the least of it.....it was some of the other WTF bits of abuse and betrayal.
I just couldn't live like me with it. Which made me feel a bit sad tbh, but it was my truth.
It had nothing to do with love. It had nothing to do with forgiveness. It had nothing to do even with why he did it.
I just knew I couldn't be who I am with him again. I couldn't live happily in that kind of world. Not around me anyway. I liked who I was before and I liked the kind of relationship we'd had before. And I liked who I am too much to sacrifice it.

So, maybe in my situation, his choice to marry ow was a good one for him after all that had happened. Bc my h never much liked being alone and obviously liked being married enough to want to do it again lol. Whereas I would rather be alone than live with the fallout. Just my truth, sample of one.

[Treasur]

Worth a read and reflect for those of you either still trying to protect yourself from abuse or those considering reconnection https://www.yourstoryissafehere.com/blog/2019/3/23/how-men-called-sex-addicts-abuse-their-wives-and-partners

Not easy to read. Not easy to look at. Not easy to build boundaries against. But it might help you consider your current reality.....
And with the caveat that the author is writing particularly about situations when women are dealing with/doing MC with unfaithful spouses who have been labelled 'sex addicts'. But imho some of the abustive behaviour is much thevsame, even if the context is not given an MLC label. My xh ticked 37 of the 108 items when we were still in contact fwiw.....now of course (other than perhaps badmouthing me to others, who knows?) with NC, 0.....any of those behaviours still happening will be happening someplace else lol.

And some of the impact of living in an emotionally abusive situation, the costs for you https://www.yourstoryissafehere.com/blog/2019/3/30/intimate-partner-abuse-how-does-it-impact-you
I scored 50 from 107......

None of this requires denying MLC.....but whatever the cause or context, I'd suggest the behaviours and impact are just as real.

[sada]

Posted by: Limboland2018
March 05, 2020, 07:41:00 AM

As you were reconnecting did you ever feel that by allowing him back into your life you would be damaging your spirit?

I had to sit back & ponder your interesting question Limboland. 

I was probably like your mom early in his return.
After the ‘honeymoon’ period of being back together wore off, my h (very early return; still in the tunnel) went back to his lying & monstering & cheating. 
    And I was again crying & yelling & screaming at him for hurting me. 

So the answer to your question is yes, it was damaging to my spirit.

But
I had learned & researched so much about mlc by then,  mostly from this forum & RCR’s articles.  I understood what was happening . . .   my h was fairly textbook.
Therefore, possessing that knowledge & my faith in God & my relationship with Him enabled me to see beyond that present situation, take nothing personal, realizing it was all about him. And because of my own choice to stay in my marriage, all I could change was how I reacted to his abuse.  I always knew that I deserved better & would & could do better if I didn’t see a change in him. It was not for me to stand for years & years because I believe God did not intend for me to be alone like that,  because that is not what I wanted.

My faith is a huge part of who I am.  I did/do believe that this is what God wanted for the both of us. I believe that I was meant to be my h’s lighthouse so I was willing to try hard, for a while.

I continued those things (Gal) that I loved doing while he was gone: walking, pampering myself with spa days, gardening, etc. 

The affair was abrupt.  The monstering took longer to subside, but it did.

I accept that he can never make up for what he did, it’s not possible.
He’s told me he thinks about what he did to me every day. I believe him.
That is his punishment. Because unless you’re a sociopath, or npd,  you’re going to feel terrible guilt for the harm you’ve caused others, especially your wife.

I’m smiling right now because as I write this I can end with: He treats me like the queen I am, each & every day.

[barbiedoll]

I remember my husbands shocked face, I mean totally shocked when I told him that my daughter and I had no intention of staying in an an abusive situation. That he was in fact abusive..like his father. He was an abuser as a man, that my daughter and I will need therapy as we lived in an abusive situation . That I was afraid that I would see him as someone capable of being abusive and that "knowing" would never fade. Everything changes when you see someone differently than how you saw him for decades. Now I "have" to know , he is capable of greatest form of deceit. And it appeared easy for him. He never said a word in defence of his treatment of me , but , he most certainly never saw it as abuse. And it was/is absolutely abuse.

I also "helped" my husband have his affair, as ridiculous as that is . I do recall him leaving the house to "go hit some golf balls " . I was super excited as he had never done anything for "himself".  EVER. So to me this was a great and fabulous thing. And I told him that .  One night I even said "yes, go hit some golf ball, great!. I will make some cinnamon buns for a treat when you come back".  Of course, he went to see the OW for a couple of hours...had sex, came home with big golf stories and thru his clothes in the laundry... and ate a lovely cinnamon bun. More than once ...more than 10 times … he told me one thing and did another. Is that not how affairs go??  To this day, I do the laundry and it enters my mind. I close my eyes when I throw his underwear in the laundry. HOW DARE HIM TAKE AWAY ALL MY CHOICES?   That is the abusive way of cowards . I would have chosen a different way for myself. He took away my choices in life and for me ...close to unforgivable. Then he would come to my bed.... have sex with me. And that my friends has been one of the hardest things to "know". Had I known that he was having sex with this OW , he never EVER would have gotten in the house . Period. He told the therapist that it never accured to him . That his sex life with OW and then with me ...were completely utterly and totally separate. Never did the two meet in his thoughts. You are capable of that???   What would I want with a man that can mount anything , like a hamster and be able to love him. Nothing worthy of pure love in that action. Its abuse ...should be criminal.

To speak to my daughter ( or grandchildren) aggressively using the F-word? . Abusive .. and escalating . May not seem much to some ..but I will not be spoken to like that and most certainly none of my daughters will.  To be "dismissed " by someone and refusing to answer  is abusive behaviour. Especially to be made feel that YOU are nuts ( gaslighting) ...all abusive.  Affairs and all that go with them is abuse in every way.

Was it damaging to my spirit ? Oh indeed it was and still is in some ways . It is difficult to live and "love" your "trigger"  ( because that is what he has become) . It is excruciating to try to separate who he was , who he became and now back to who he " might"  become. Especially when PTSD can keep you ruminating and stuck with what he did ….and hypervigilant, can he do that again??.  And we certainly do not want to be the "stupid...how did I miss that " person again.  To be honest ..gut wrenching face the pain honest ...I believe my spirit was broken the day he touched another women. Can you rebuild your spirit?  I do not know. Can you fix what is no less than a soul injury ?  I do not know . But I try. Can you recover from abuse and love your abuser again with all your heart and feel safe ...ever.  I do not know . But I think it would be unwise to ever be the vulnerable again.  I hurts to a degree others cannot fathom ..to be betrayed .

Reactive abuse ?  Who would want to admit we are guilty of that .  I will admit it. I absolutely was abusive to my husband , I tried to shame him, to hurt him as he hurt me. I raged, I called him names...demeaning to his man-stuff , hated him and told him. Was I abusive . Yes. Recovery all around after an affair. 

[Mortesbride]

This thread caught my eye today, because this weekend I sort of self identified a sort of emotional wound from this.

I think I have written before that there was emotional abuse, though I never really saw it as abuse because 'abuse is physical' and my childhood so firetrucked up that...well emotional abuse didn't seem ''that bad''.

I remember after BD being told I should call a domestic hotline for abuse. That what I was experiencing was emotional abuse. I remember thinking that was absurd. I wasn't going to go crying to some hotline because my husband said mean things. The man had never laid a hand on me after all. That wasn't abuse..he was just going crazy and needed my help.

It is easier to see when you get distance. When you finally get surrounded by normal sane healthy people, and realise just how abnormal your normal became. Or maybe still is to some extent.

When you become detached enough to see that the words hurling by your face...the blame shifting...all of it...tactics. You can see them and label them as they come. That stage becomes so much easier.

But there are still those wounds. Years of training and preparation. Preparing how to solve how someone else is going to react. Trying to plan ways to solve problems that are unsolvable, even though any solution you come up with will be wrong. Predictable explosions, with a variety of possible outcomes that are all equally so horrible and have happened before ...so are therefore plausible...that when it goes like a relatively normal interaction you are ecstatic with joy.

Joy that you didn't get the reaction you had before.

Joy that you didn't receive the emotional abuse you are so used to.

And that is the firetrucked up part of all this.

We are so used to emotional abuse, excusing it, preparing for it..planning around it and trying to fix it.

That it is our normal, and we have to learn to make it not our normal.

[terra]

I’ve been offline a while and am just catching up, but maybe this thread could use a bump.

One of the reasons people do not exit abusive relationships is that the human brain chemistry and function is altered by abuse or trauma. It has nothing to do with how a person feels or thinks or knows or “should” be capable of.

It has only to do with the science and structure of the human brain. Nobody has control over what that is: it’s Gods design.

If a person has not left, or will not or cannot leave, or doesn’t seem to want to leave an abusive partner, it may be that their brain function is literally impaired by the abuse.

Not your job to rescue or make decisions for them, unless it is one of your kids. Even then, tread lightly. Report incidents to law enforcement. Document everything. Action may help keep trauma from getting “stuck”. If it got stuck anyway, EMDR can be a help in dislodging trauma memory and allowing the brain to complete processing of the event.

A little light reading on trauma and the brain, written so that even those new to the info can understand it:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-science-behind-ptsd-symptoms-how-trauma-changes-the-brain/

[3Boys4Me]

Great article terra, thanks for sharing

[Dismiss3]

Came across this post just now. Before I came (unfortunately) to this site; I had never heard of “gaslighting “ or some other ways of mental abuse. After I read many many posts on here; I realize my H is a huge mental abuser and I was blind to a lot of it. Some of it I can’t even begin to explain. H has always been a huge liar. He will lie, about lying😡. He is a big control freak due to his job (law enforcement) and always felt
Entitled as well. He would make jokes about everything and everyone and even cursed a lot. He would say things to me and not fully finish the word; but enough that I knew exactly what he was saying; but would always make it seem like he was joking when he did that. He would say mostly stuff like “is it because your fa*” or “ is it because your hea**”. He would always leave off 1-2 letters. Looking back there was mental abuse with my girls too; they just joked and laughed with him. Everything is always a joke to him. I found out last year that his co workers would want him to go places and h didn’t want to go and he blamed me to his friends for not “being able” to go😡. He did the same Chet with me, with his family. But after i kicked him out; I told his family the WHOLE truth about him👍🏻. Back before BD; h kept telling me he was so stressed out/depressed about work, that he even would be rubbing his arm n chest (like signs of a heart attack). That went on for several months and h had me feeling really sorry and concerned for him. Shoot; he was feeling like that because he was already cheating with OW and it life itself was catching up to him and it was affecting him. H has done so much more back a long time ago when we first met when he was doing steroids too. But; I’m still new to MLC stuff and taking baby steps with him. Thanks to everyone for posting very good info for us newbies❤️