[FaithWalker]

Good to read an update HL

[Happylight]

Updating and reflecting now--sitting at around 2 years since I became aware something was wrong--how wrong, I didn't know, but wrong.  A year ago, at Thanksgiving, was our last BIG blow up. 

I have discontinued logging when he is at the house versus when he is gone, but he does seem to be spending more nights at home.  Sometimes it seems like he leaves because he knows he said he didn't want to be at home.  He's still living in our RV, nothing more permanent.  He seems very low energy.  At the onset of this whole thing, he was high energy --going and going moving more and more into the motorcycle club and lifestyle, which I think led to some other things as well. Now, his motorcycle has been in the garage for the last 6 weeks or so.  I haven't asked him about any club events or activities in a while, and he hasn't mentioned anything.  He has trouble sleeping at times, but also sleeps for long periods of time--like 9 hours and then taking a nap.  When he's away, in my mind he's always out living it up, but has made several comments about how he has watched a horse racing or monster truck shows all day long.  This last week he was only gone for two nights.  About 6 weeks ago was the last time I questioned our situation, and during this conversation, he was not angry like he had been in the past.  He seemed tired and depressed, but said he didn't want us, that he didn't have to tell me where he was going, that what he did in the past for our relationship was never enough----and then proceeded to stay for a solid week, which just didn't seem to line up.  I feel like we might be dealing with depression/withdrawal.  Many say that replay is the hardest, but during the time that I identified as replay, he would be very angry with me, but also draw towards me very strongly and with lots of emotion.  Lately, he just doesn't seem to have much emotion at all....like he doesn't have the energy for it.

I am usually going and going getting all the stuff done around the house and for the kids.  I think he feels guilty for not doing as much, and honestly it seems like he just doesn't have it in him.  We were also discussing the kids and he said he had broken their trust by not showing up for certain events. Ironically, this is something that I had always harped on being important. In general he doesn't say or share much at all, but I do pay a lot of attention to details and behavior.  As well as being low energy, his memory seems AWFUL.  He constantly asked me for information about things that he has asked about before (schedules with kids, my schedule, holidays, sports, etc). He can't seem to make connections between things. 

I feel like I am called to continue to stand by my vows.  It is hard and at times I still feel sad and overwhelmed.  I am continuing to learn to play piano and to keep up with my walking and workouts.  At times I still feel angry that I am having to do most of the heavy lifting for parenting, but that is out of my control, and nothing that can be done about it, but to do it as best as possible.  I hope one day he will break his silence and I will get a better glimpse of what is going on. 

[Flummoxed]

Thank you so much for sharing this update, Happylight! Brilliant work keeping up with absolutely everything in the midst of this confusion. Sending love and positivity- you’re doing an amazing job! 💗