[UrsaMajor]

Sending a Valentine's Day card to YOUR house?



You got a Bunny Boiler on your hands....


But, it is giving him his Dopamine Rush.... That kind of attention is VERY seductive to a person with no internal self-esteem....

[I Am The Salad]

Love the gifs UM! I guess her logic is that she’s the girlfriend (that no one knows about) and H and I only live together in order to coparent (it’s more likely because he hasn’t got the guts to leave/doesn’t really want to) so it’s ok to send stuff to him. She’s started to send stuff regularly. Disrespectful and desperate. But we knew that already, didn’t we?

[Treasur]

Were you not tempted to frisbee it into the bin?

Referring to your title question, there seems to be rather more cake than salad from over here in the cheap seats. Why is that, do you think? Do you believe that standing = sucking up whatever comes and waiting it out? And are you ok to keep doing this for another 2/5/more years or until ow turns up the pressure/drama as it seems she is wont to do?

My worry reading your post is that you are inadvertently normalising things that should not be normal for you and your child. Like a dripping tap you no longer hear. Again jmo, but it reads like your h is getting what he wants, ow is turning up the volume bc she wants more and you are coping the best you can from day to day bc you do not want him to leave? Meanwhile, this has all becime the new normal….tea and cuddles, a P.O. Box for ow and off he goes on his agreed schedule. Is that fair? What are your boundaries right now? What do you say No to that he wants from you?

It isn’t my place or anyone else’s place to tell you what you should or should not do moving forward. Other peoples’ version of ok varies tremendously and anyone else who has had a live in situation like this knows how difficult it can be to work out how to live beside it.

What I will say is that ow’s behaviour is a big red flag to me that she is creeping closer into YOUR life. Or at least you and your son’s home where you should feel safe and at peace. Is she being territorial? Well, yes…it’s a very ow type thing bc most of imho are a bit dysfunctional themselves. Her reasons for doing so don’t matter and you can’t control that. But what is enough or too much for you? If her gifts/cards don’t get her the centrality she wants, what if she turns up the volume more? Threatens you or your son? Turns up at the house? I know that all sounds a bit Dateline but these things can happen when you are dealing with disordered people, and I soeak as someone who found out there was an own in my situation bc I started getting anonymous death threats and faeces on my doorstep. 

It may not be of your choosing but it seems as if you are part of a triangle.
How does that feel to you?
And as a clue, every time you are thinking about ow and every time you are thinking about why your partner is doing what he’s doing, you are part of the triangle. A triangle that serves others interests but may not serve yours or your sons. And the only way to get out of a triangle like that is to literally refuse to play one’s role in the assigned corner. Or does it serve you? Idk. What do you get out of being part of this triangle?

Your h has invited this stranger into the edge of you and your son’s life. He will have talked about you to her. She may well believe, bc of what he has said, that you are the barrier to their happy ever after. And she is turning up the volume. Imho that poses a risk, maybe not a huge risk but still a risk, to you and your son’s safety and wellbeing and you should behave accordingly. That you should be clear with your h (sorry, I think it’s your partner, that you are not married?) that there is a line, that your home is your home and she has stepped over the line. That either he gets her to stop sending things to your home immediately or you will have to consider taking other steps to protect yourself and your child that will change the current set up.

And you should consider what those will be, or it’s an empty ultimatum, and there is no real boundary in place. Which means you thinking hard about what you are actually prepared to do to keep ow out of you and your son’s home and life. And if the answer is nothing, then you have your answer….and will just continue to cope with whatever ow or your partner decide to do. Which of course in a way is gambling your futures on their agenda or intentions, isn’t it? And being clear eyed about the risks or costs in normalising this. Bc from the cheap seats, it’s hard to see how the situation changes as it evidently suits your partner, and maybe even you as it feels better than other alternatives, but easy to see why ow might choose to turn up the volume.

What do you think?
How ok is this situation as it is for you?
What would be worse from your pov?
What do you fear most?
What would need to change from your pov to change the current status quo?

You don’t have to share your thoughts with us but imho these are questions worth your own consideration. And we are not judging, most of us have walked this awkward balance at least for a while, and we know that it is far from easy or straightforward. And indeed that sometimes we accept or try to work around things that we never thought we would. Which doesn’t always feel great either, like being caught between a rock and a hard place. We just want you and your son to be safe, well and happy.

And, in case it helps your reflections, you posted this in your first post….

I'm trying not to let him cake-eat but it's hard! He brings me a cup of tea in bed every morning, and if we're not on the school run, he'll climb in next to me and eat his toast. He seeks me out in the evenings to tell me about his day (often snuggles up and usually ends up chatting for hours) and he comes to ask me opinions on work etc. The boundaries are that there's nothing sexual, but there is intimacy and it has actually improved our relationship and made us closer. Think OW would hit the roof if she saw our daily interactions.

Well, that sounds like quite a lot of relationship cake to me. He gets to snuggle and chat and use you as a sounding board and source of emotional support. And he gets to have those things with is too….gosh, he must feel supported to the eyeballs  And tbh it sounds as if you are dancing an invisible pick me dance with ow on how ‘intimate’ you feel you are. How reciprocal is this? Do you also get the snuggles and support and sounding board you want in the way you want it? Does this sound like ‘we are not together, just coparenting’ to you? How much of your interaction is about coparenting and how much is about other things?

I have been GALing. Going out with girlfriends, sometimes a night away. He never knows who I'm with or where I've gone. I've told him that's a priviledge he's lost. I also don't cook for him, unless I want to. I don't clear up after him (but he still does all the laundry - result!). I've lost 45lbs, had my hair done at a fancy salon and am in better shape than when he met me. I've worked a lot on my own issues and have found a strength and resilience I didn't know I had.

Good for you….all good healthy stuff.
Sounds as if in some areas you are clear that he no longer has ‘husbandly’ privileges with some of the domestic stuff. And that you are enjoying some of your GAL. But it does sound as if, in your mind, he does have perhaps some other ‘husbandly’ privileges? Access to your room if carrying tea and toast? Your attention if he wants to talk about work stuff? Your implied permission to openly have his fortnightly ow schedule while presumably you pick up all of the domestic and child care stuff in his absence? So that probably raises the question of what you consider ‘husbandly’ vs ‘coparenting’ vs ‘sharing a house’ rights and responsibilities?

Just a thought…..

[I Am The Salad]

Thanks for taking the time to reply Treasur. Lots to think about and so few answers!

When I got home today there was another parcel in the post. I threw it at him and told him it was disrespectful and rude and had to stop. He said there was nothing wrong with it and I had to stop policing his mail. He said this was where he lived and he can have things posted to him here if he wants to. It was his right and I had to get over it. I Monstered and he deserved it! I asked him to leave he said no, but I was welcome to leave (he thinks S6 will stay with him… he’s wrong!). I said no way to both those things.

Gah! He really is on another planet.

[Treasur]

So, you asked nicely. And not so nicely lol.
And this was his answer
“He said this was where he lived and he can have things posted to him here if he wants to.”

Ok
Hmmm, how does that intimacy feeling feel now….?
What this tells you is that he does not care what you want, think or feel. That is as much of a reality as the tea snuggles imho and it’s not great, is it? Technically, I guess he’s right that he can get stuff sent to him where he lives whether you like it or not.

So you get to decide if this is a real boundary for you or not. You can’t stop her sending them, and you now know he is not going to stop it just bc you asked. It sounds as if he is saying that while he lives there, tough, he will do what he wants. Very MLC ‘you’re not the boss of me’

Which suggests broadly three options….you stop caring about it or you take steps to force a situation where he no longer lives there. Or you make plans for you and your son to live elsewhere.

And some of that will depend on detail of who owns the house, your ability to finance other choices and your legal rights as a partner/co parent.
Have you taken legal advice?

[KayDee]

It's a tough old balance - not playing into the Love Bomber's hands - disruption is her goal. And, as Treasur says, not having an infringement on you safe-space. If you want to stay in the home, and you can't get him to shift, I think ignoring them is plan C. Make a shrine with them, why don't you or a pyre - even better. Although neither is not ignoring them. Maybe just stick them on the hallway table or whatever you would normally do.

I was once love-bombed (by a very narcissistic person). I can tell you, the bombs were all plastic crap.

[Biscuit]

Personally I’d return to sender and hopefully she’ll have to pick up the return postage.

[I Am The Salad]

Thanks Tresur, KD and Baxter.

Treasur, yup, the fight response in this one is strong and his mouth is his weapon of choice. I can’t force a situation where he doesn’t live here as he owns the house outright. As a ‘common law’ partner in the UK I have zero rights, despite being here for the best part of a decade, paying half of everything and having a child with him. The only thing he’s not allowed to do is make his child homeless and I’m the primary carer (although he disputes this but it’s totally untrue) so I get to stay too. Neither of us can afford to live apart, despite respectable incomes. Rural living in the UK is wonderful in so many ways but has massive challenges. So that leaves me with the only option of  stopping caring. Which I can manage (or more correctly appear to manage) more or less so long as he’s not overtly $h!tety. He can make his own tea from now on.

KD, yes I could tell from the card what she was trying to do, that’s why I let that one slide (there’s some kind of expensive gift every time he sees her, probably paid for by her rich ex husband - definitely love bombing, I’ve thought that before)… and then the parcel conveniently a day later? I thought about letting that one go and I decided I had to say something. I know it’s what she wanted and I know that it’s all tat that gets shoved in a drawer because he’s not brave enough to bring it out into the light (a metaphor?!?). Plan C it is (although we do have a very efficient wood burner so perhaps the pyre is the way to go!).

Baxter, she doesn’t put a return address. It’s the psycho handwriting that gives it away (don’t get me started!). Although I do know where to return it to, but lack of rural postal services mean that the most efficient use of my time is to either ignore it or burn it!

[forthetrees]

In the US it´s illegal to mail things without a return address due to all the terroristic stuff that has happened. You could take it down to the post office and say you don´t feel safe having packages delivered without the return address. Can´t remember where you live in the world. Be careful with the pyre- in the US it´s a serious crime to mess with someone else´s mail. I wonder if you confronted her if she´d back down. Is this considered harassment where you are? If you are the one to always get the mail how about just leaving it in the box and saying nothing? Where I am if the box fills up they just hold your mail at the post office. If that happens and you say nothing but you go get your mail at the post office then it´s on him to figure stuff out. At a minimum you could just stop bringing in his mail- don´t be a sherpa.

[Treasur]

Rural uk here too, I get it.
Presume it comes through the post box….well, I’d just leave iton the mat. Wouldn’t even touch it. Woukdn’t sign for anything if that was needed. And wouldn’t discuss it again bc any arguments about it are of course feeding iw’s centrality.

But it sounds as if you might need to start thinking about a Plan B of living someplace else with your son, as he owns the house, just in case things escalate. Always better to have a plan B even if it’s an imperfect one. And stash some spare cash where he can’t get at it just in case too.

Until then, can you start arranging things in how you live in the house - and treating him - as if he is a roomate and nothing more? What could that look like?