[mcm64d]

I second this, even now there are days I feel like I am going mad, though now I look at the situation from a slightly different angle. This is no easy journey and I don't know if I will be able to make it to the end. For now I'm trying to find strength in my children, my vows, etc. but it is a damn hard journey for sure. Some days are easier than others, the hardest part for me is in the morning when you need to get out of the bed when you know you need to put up with the same sh1t again.

Today is becoming one of those days for me.......

[keepfighting]

Whilst reading along on the forum, I found a post that linked HeartsBlessing site. She is a (former?) HS member, people are quite biased about her.

I personally found her articles very insightful, there is no harm in reading as much information as possible, then one filters what he/she thinks applies for the situation or is in line with their beliefs.

From a newbie to newbies, I recommend you to read this article:
https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/the-six-stages-of-a-mid-life-crisis/

Her view is that the entry in the tunnel is right at the start of Denial and not BD. Other people here on the forum consider the tunnel starts at BD. Maybe not that important, but I admit I have this obsession that I need to know where W is in her crisis.

So question out to you: how do you know when an MLCer is in the tunnel? What signs are there? I'm not asking about the stage, each stage has it's own sympthoms and signs, I think my W is heavy in Replay, that is also the longest stage in the MLC process.

Another good blog entry is the one talking about the affair down. Many people get crushed by finding out about the affair, I am no exception. For me, this was really a hard thing to accept.

https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/past-parental-issues-and-the-affair-partner-an-explanation/

I don't know much about my W's affair nowadays other than it is still ongoing after 'x' number of break-ups Also know that for her it's more of an emotional bond, than a physical one. The blog entry above explains why this is.

Another hard fact to accept is that you CANNOT and SHOULD not do anything about the affair. I'm sure many find this unacceptable, irrational and against our nature. Again, I am no exception here, I feel the same. My instinct told me numerous time, to get up and 'visit' OM and resolve things like between men (sort a duel with fists only rather than guns like in the old days), even told my wife that I will do this, she was petrified.

The more you read and learn, you get to understand that this would be wasted energy, you would give your power and attention to someone who is not worthy of it and could potentially strengthen the affair rather than have the opposite effect. So it's a NO NO. You need to let the affair run it's course (isn't this hard to accept?).

Another thing I learned, that is emphasized in the much needed advice people receive here from other members, is the importance of looking into your Self and heal your problems that lie within you. In my recent posts, I raised the question on why this is needed.

Working hard on this, again it is not easy, at least for me it isn't. You get to understand that your MLC is in crisis. Their crisis would have happened no matter what, completly independent from you. What I did not understand at the time is that by MLC entering the crisis, also forces you to a journey, that is very much alike to the MLC journey but not as distructive. You need to look into yourself, find traits or past experiences that need correcting or resolving and do the work necessary to heal. Your journey is completly separate from hers and there is no guarantee the two journeys will meet in the future. You keep hearing: your marriage is dead, your relationship is dead, she is gone. ACCEPT it! I know, I know you may say, but it is hard, damn hard. For me this becomes easier with time, realising that W is nothing else than my children's mother and like a room mate for me. She does not involve me in her life anymore, and I don't involve her in my life, very strange feeling and it's very sad at the same time.

That's the theory. What people don't tell you is HOW you do all this. This is something each one of us will need to find out on their own. For me this is hard and I am struggling with this, but think I know identified a few things that I can do to become a better me, so will see how this pans out.

[forthetrees]

Ah, the HOW: I think you find a trusted counselor, therapist, friend who can give it to ya straight. You connect with nature and find an artistic outlet in media, music or movement- that could include things like tai chi or qi gong. You learn breathe work techniques to calm yourself down. You do acts of kindness for others so that you break out of your own sphere of pain. Take a class, watch videos, read about Radical Acceptance. Explore the wisdom of the Tao Te Ching.

As for the stages- my two cents is that when you reach the point where you are not looking at stages anymore you are far along in your own healing. By the very fact that you are trying to discern what stage she is in, the focus is on her crisis and not your healing. Really, this is probably going to be the biggest $hit storm of your life- try not to let it suck up more time, energy and $ than it has to. Analyzing stages is a futile exercise and probably the whole stage idea helps relationship gurus sell you stuff. You know she´s "off." If and when she finds her center, you will either be contacted and receive an explanation or she will go on to live her merry or not so merry new life.

The affair: for me it was the breaking of trust that was the most crushing blow. The affair naturally results in ongoing lies and the lies pile up. Also that you now have a spouse that may have exposed you to a STD with no concern for your welfare.

Allow your hurt and anger to create space so that you can heal. No need for you to be revengeful, spiteful or vindictive. Just claim your own physical and emotional space in which to heal.

Stop trying to manipulate the situation through her friends. If you can only absorb one thing perhaps accepting that you do not have control over her but you do have control over you is a useful start.

[KayDee]

KF, I find HB's writing really interesting. I am not religious, at all, so I kinda skim over the bits where she seems to be channeling a higher power. But in general, much of what she writes seems to be based in psychoanalytical and/or psychology theory. For instance, the post you shared, it broadly relates to the theory that part of the 'self' can get stuck at a point of significant trauma. That a re-trigging of that trauma may cause us to emotionally regress. And that when under extreme emotional distress, many of us will return to what we 'know'. This may explain why some abused people can be seen to return to the abuser. I see HB's writings as offering MLC narratives around these theories (sure she had read Jung!). I have read some of her articles and approach them as such. I also find them provocative, in a good way, because they make me reflect and think for myself.

I think FTT is right about the so-called stages. I personally think any kind of emotional turmoil and the subsequent recovery - it is not linear, so for me the tunnel analogy is not a good one. The fog is better - my therapist uses this to describe depression thinking.  I often think about my own 'journey' with a past grief (not MLC grief, a loss of a very close friend). It was not linear, I cycled and I didn't know I was through it until I was through. No one could pull me through.  And I changed shape because of it.

[Treasur]

 I often think about my own 'journey' with a past grief (not MLC grief, a loss of a very close friend). It was not linear, I cycled and I didn't know I was through it until I was through. No one could pull me through.  And I changed shape because of it.

Sorry, can’t do quotes this morning but this ^^^^

Absolutely my experience too.
When hard pruned, there WAS a core but I couldn’t quite feel it for a while. But, yes, some of the shape my core lives in and how I express it now is changed significantly.
I think it’s important after that to have the humility to recognise that how anyone else, including my xh, might have experienced something similar - if they did - is beyond me. I had a confusing enough time with my own experience lol.