[Phoenix]

Hello All,
The holiday season always reminds me of how members of this group got me through that first Christmas after the bomb drop, and here I am 13 years later having lived to tell the tale. I just sent personal emails to two of the friends I made on this board way back then and am taking a day trip tomorrow with another member of this group. We had been PMing each other, without having any idea we lived within blocks of each other and have remained dear friends all these years. Those are the gifts of a group like this.

For those who have been on this board as long as I have, you may recall how painful it was for my daughter and I to navigate my now  ex-husband's betrayal and abandonment as well as the betrayal of my best friend who cheated with him. He was one of the MLCers who never looked back, not even for his daughter. She's lived the past 13 years without any contact from him, BUT I am thrilled to say she is a happy, healthy person, living in a city she adores, doing work she is passionate about, and she married her longtime girlfriend two weeks ago. They could not be happier and I could not be happier for them. 

For those who can't fathom that you or your children can survive this, I promise that you can. My life is so very different than it was 13 years ago and that's good. I have my own home, an active life, many friends, purposeful work, visit my daughter regularly and we have a great time, and I'm GOOD. I don't spend my time ruminating about the past or my ex. Of course, I wish we could have been the family I imagined, but it's also easy to romanticize what was. Life is finite and  tomorrow is promised to no one. A 38 year old neighbor died from a heart attack yesterday and it really brings home the fact that life is precious and not to be wasted on what we can't control and will never fully make sense of because it's not logical or reasonable. And closure and peace come from within ourselves not from a spouse or former spouse. The work is ours to do for ourselves. We cannot ever control someone else.

This experience also teaches us that multiple truths can exist at the same time. We can be sad and also experience joy. We can be hurt and also maintain our social contacts. There can be grief and we can also take care of ourselves. It is not a matter of waiting until "everything is fixed or better" to keep living and experiencing new things. Different feelings can exist alongside each other and whether you reconcile with a partner or you don't, you will still be okay.

Be kind, gentle and patient with yourself while also doing things that bring you joy each day and things that take you out of your routine and comfort zone. Grow yourself through this process.

Peace, healing, and contentment to all,
Phoenix

[mcm64d]

Thank you Phoenix.

I love the idea that you made good friends on here. Maybe someday I will find a couple of friends within a few blocks of where I am at in Pennsylvania.

Happy holidays to you and all!!

[Phoenix]

mcm64d,
Happy holidays to you as well. It was actually a huge surprise to discover that someone I clicked with, and had been messaging, was practically my neighbor! We laughed about that again today. But I also feel close to a number of people on the board who I have never met in person, but have formed deep, trusted bonds with. Certainly, I wish they lived nearby to go for coffee and such, but friendships come in many forms and are no less meaningful. And with technology we can not only talk to people all over the world by phone, but can also see each other on virtual calls.

It can be difficult to believe, but there will be gifts that come from this very difficult experience.
I wish you only the best,
Phoenix

[FaithWalker]

Great update P.  What a neat surprise to find that LBS living so close!  I haven't found anyone quite that close, but it has been nice to have a few moments with a couple of LBS that live a couple hours away. 

[limitless]

Phoenix,

Really good to read your update!

Life definitely does go on.

For those of you that are in the midst of MLC - it does get easier. Remember to put on your own oxygen mask first.  And, remember, that these are adult male/female human beings.  They need to save themselves. Be a beacon or whatever you choose to be - but first protect yourself and your kids.

Much love, 

L