[Baxter1]

G-

So sorry this is happening to you. This is a great place to vent and just let it all out( I know I have)
The destruction that this causes is horrible, I couldn’t sleep or eat for a couple of months after BD. We have been in your shoes. When I first got here people said it will get better and you will feel better. At the time I didn’t believe it, I thought this pain would last forever. It does get better and you do get stronger. Also therapy was a godsend, between therapy, watching Kendas videos for hours and coming on here and telling my story it slowly got better. It also helped me to know that this is NOT a marriage problem. I thought it was Walkaway spouse, I thought I ruined everything and I felt so much guilt from that. We are here to help you vent, talk, whatever. Good luck!

[geist]

Thank you again for all the kind words, everyone.

I have a friend here still, who's keeping me company. I'm still suffering from bouts of ennui and dark daydreaming. I'm avoiding telling my (ex)wife about them because I both don't want her worrying about me and I don't want to repulse her further with a sense of pity. I did make a facebook post saying I'm in a dark time, hiding it from her using filters — I have a sense someone told her about the post though. I have to wonder if that was something I actually intended to happen without admitting it to myself. Regardless, I finally got a decent night's sleep thanks to... a potential risk of forming a habit of taking sleeping pills. It was that or... yeah.

I can sense the denial my brain is forcing on me, because I'm trying so hard not to think about things. I keep crafting narratives in my mind that lead to her coming to her senses — and that's the only peace I continue to give myself. I'm worried I'm setting myself up for another hard fall, though. The separation of emotional mind and logical mind has never been so clear to me as it is now.

Aside from that, there's no real update. She's gone radio silent again. Still no voice, and certainly not seeing her. I suspect I'll get a text or two sometime this week before she comes in on the 2nd.

The same friend that's here is going to help me with the spreadsheet for asset splitting today. I can feel the anxiety build up any time I look at the thing.

I'm still marked as in-crisis with my therapist, and have a session tomorrow. I've also found the local crisis center that I can go to if I have another hard moment. Unfortunately, I think the hard moments are cumulative in severity — since it's like they "progress" somehow each time. It's not a great feeling.

[xyzcf]

Thanks for the update! I was wondering how you were doing.

So good to have someone with you to deal with the paperwork. I would have increased anxiety anytime I had to deal with any of the paperwork or letters from the court or my lawyer. Still gives me a sick feeling. Sometimes you have to bring the court decree to an office, for example when I applied for medicare and I did not want to even touch those papers!

Sleep is really important as well. Medications sometimes are necessary and useful and you understand that they could become habit forming. When you do not need them any more, you should be able to cease taking them or taking them only on occasion when you are not able to sleep.

Being aware of our emotional, physical and mental state is important so we recognize when something is off and can deal with it....one of my best therapies was to talk to a few really good friends and get out all my worries/concerns/sadness...I cried a great deal in those days on the phone.

Unfortunately, I think the hard moments are cumulative in severity — since it's like they "progress" somehow each time. It's not a great feeling.

We have been caught off guard and live in a state of fear and not knowing what will happen next. Our bodies are on high alert, fight/flight/freeze mode.

I compare it to peeling an onion. There are a lot of layers of grief to resolve. One thing I have learned about grief is that there is no time table...it takes as long as it must. I think, when you look back on this time, you will be able to see how you slowly progressed to a place that is just a slight more comfortable, just a slight less impacting on our thoughts and lives....when you feel that, even if it's only for a brief second, let that feeling of ease sit with you...for you will realize that you can feel it and more and more, that will become your norm.

[geist]

Well, I went to the Crisis Stabilization Clinic today for an evaluation. I was considered a high risk for self harm, but not an imminent one.

It inspired me to write a letter to my estranged wife, telling her gently about how hard this has been, and reaffirming my love for her. … She responded by forwarding me an email saying there’s a package in the box for our dog. So, she’s just going to ignore what I told her, I guess.

That will be a fun conversation for my therapist tomorrow. I just… yeah. I wish I could stop loving her, and disconnect. I’m as of yet incapable and it’s just causing me even more hurt.

[Baxter1]

G-

How can you stop loving someone? It’s been a year for me and I can’t say that I will ever stop. The detachment is something that comes with time. When this all started I would stay up and worry where she was, now I just assume she’s out doing whatever with whomever. It still hurts but it hurts a little less each time. Sorry you’re here but it’s good that you have a good therapist.
Unrelated note: sorry about the 49ers, I thought this was there year.

[geist]

G-
How can you stop loving someone? It’s been a year for me and I can’t say that I will ever stop.

I know it's the definition of bomb drop on this site, but she told me in a number of ways that she doesn't love me anymore.

There was a quick email response from her yesterday night. It just said she's glad I'm getting the support I need, she needs time to process the email before responding, and... hi to my friend.

I don't expect promising results.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I am truly sorry that you are going through this.

I wish I could stop loving her, and disconnect. I’m as of yet incapable and it’s just causing me even more hurt.

You can't just disconnect when your world is completely shaken. Detachment is a process and right now everything with you is raw and sore. It's one thing if you and her were on the same page and both felt the same way. While she was going through her crisis and implementing her exit plan, she didn't give you the memo. The whole process distorts your perception of reality.

I don't expect promising results.

Don't have any expectations at all. In fact the only expectation you need to have is that you are going to get better. This forum is about you and your road to recovery. I do urge you to continue to see your therapist and focusing on your mental and physical health.

It inspired me to write a letter to my estranged wife, telling her gently about how hard this has been, and reaffirming my love for her. … She responded by forwarding me an email saying there’s a package in the box for our dog. So, she’s just going to ignore what I told her, I guess.

For future advice, I urge that you keep a journal and write to yourself and not share any of your feelings. Don't expect a response or any other emotional connection. She may even get angry as her feeling will come from guilt- not empathy. The less you say and the less "relationship talks" you engage with her will help you in the long run. It will help you detach and break the emotional connection that you have to her and it is what is bringing you down. This is not an easy process and it will take time, but it will help you ground yourself and help you recover from the trauma she has inflicted on you.

Be good to yourself and seek help if you have any feelings of self harm. Trust me, you are here for a purpose and I want you to continue to post and be a part of our virtual world.

Take care,

(((Ready)))

[Reinventing]

For future advice, I urge that you keep a journal and write to yourself and not share any of your feelings.

We've seen enough postings from Ready to know that what he means is to avoid sharing your feelings with the MLCer. Certainly share them with friends and family.

The reason many of us learned to not share feelings with the MLCer is that the LBS is then tied to the MLCer's response. Right now, especially in the early stages, the MLCer is set in thinking they did the right thing. Relying on the MLCer to "snap out of it" or care about the LBS and respond in a way that makes sense in the past is usually met with disappointment for the LBS.

Good job on getting your tribe around you (friend, therapist, crisis center, etc). Sometimes it's about getting through the next 5 minutes.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Thanks reinventing for the clarification. I did mean with your MLCer. You can come and post with us anytime.

Have a great day,

(((Ready)))