It is already mid semester and I have no idea where the time has gone this fall. This semester in particular has been exceptionally busy, in part due to the complete pivot that had to happen when my schedule changed. It hasn't been a bad start, in fact it has been a good semester for the most part, but today is the first day in weeks where I don't have to do anything pressing that is work related.
Last weekend, I took work with me on a planned weekend away with my parents and sister. It was something the 4 of us haven't done in easily 30 years. My sister had not been to this particular spot since she was in middle school. I have been back many times over the years - sometimes alone. Sometimes with my parents and often with Xh, as it was a stopping point for us when we would visit his family.
My sister and I shared a room and giggled like high school girls all weekend. I was honestly grateful the motel only had single rooms available, because I don't think my parents would have appreciated our late nights of talking and laughing.
My sister and I spend time together and are very close now that we are adults. That hasn't always been the case. There were times when the 3 year age difference and different interests didn't mesh. We still aren't wired the same way and my sister is more like my mom, but now that we are adults, our shared experiences growing up have brought us closer together. And, we both have found new interests that we both can share that maybe weren't there when we were younger. The other aspect is my sister is now finding herself nearing that empty nest stage, which makes a difference in terms of time together.
Even with work to do over vacation, I made sure I took time to go for a long walk with my sister while my parents rested during the afternoon. It was during that walk, my sister mentioned she wondered how I would feel bringing my person somewhere I spent a great deal of time with my xh. She laughed at how quickly I responded, as I told her it was funny because the entire time I was there, while I was aware Xh and I had been there countless times, I kept thinking about how I wanted to share this with someone other than Xh. I found old things I wanted to share, and new things I had never considered.
My sister and Xh were like siblings. They were incredibly close. His change during his MLC meltdown was something she was more than aware of. I know for her, his departure was hard because she was supportive of me, but it was a loss for her as well. Her kids were little at the time, but they still remember the uncle who would pay attention to them and loved seeing them. The MLC changed how he was around them. They were old enough to recall how he left my grandmother's funeral at the gravesite to go meet "a friend" for lunch. He couldn't wait to leave. He had adored my grandmother and it was all so bizarre.
We talked a little about how long ago that was and how strange it was. We didn't spend tons of time lingering in that conversation. It moved to my sister asking me how it now all feels. I told her it is sometimes very odd because I no longer really think about what was. I have moments where something pops up - much like it does when a memory comes into my head about one of my dear friends that passed away when I was in college. Sometimes they are just blips.
Sure, I have the kids and my shared memories, but strangely - even when I was walking the sidewalks in this particular town where Xh walked dozens of times, until my sister brought it up, I wasn't hovering in that jumble of memories. There were little things that would come up and they were mostly about funny things that happened. Yet, I wasn't sad nor wishing for that time back. And at times, they almost felt like I wondered if they had ever happened because the emotions attached to them were not strong. Humorous at times, but not some lingering feelings that hung in the air after the story was shared. It really struck me as odd, considering so much of my life seemed entangled with Xh.
As we talked, I told my sister it is not that I want to erase all evidence of Xh. That would be silly, but I don't find myself really thinking about him all that often or our times together. They often seem very foreign. She noted she has seen this big shift in me over the past few years where I am back to being comfortable in being myself and for so long it was hard to watch during the MLC time frame when I twisted myself in knots trying to somehow "fix" every aspect of who I was in hopes that it would make Xh somehow snap out of it. She noted I never tried to fix him, but I certainly was focused on somehow fixing myself but the truth was I wasn't really fixing anything. I was becoming someone I didn't even recognize.
It is one thing to do mirror work and look at those things one needs to change. It is another to try and become something you are not.
Our conversation migrated to my new relationship. She noted that she was glad I didn't run around dating and trying to replace some void right away. It wasn't that I didn't have my moments of trying to mend a broken heart, but where I am now is strangely comfortable and feels familiar in all the right ways. So much so, that there are times I cannot recall what life even looked like before.
I do look back now, at times, but often it is because I suddenly realize it has been 7 years since the divorce and if I go back to BD1, it is going to be 10 years. The MLC was creeping in slowly and I could trace it all back, but I don't look at that and even just now, I had to really think back as to when that all blew up. I find myself instead, being amazed at how things changed and think about recent past moments - not to analyze - just sometimes snippets.
I was thinking this morning about my aunt. My uncle left after 30 years and I remember her being about the only one who understood. She had been happily remarried by then for over 10 years. She likened it to a death she had to grieve. She took the high road throughout the process, and I have her to thank for many nuggets of wisdom.
I no longer want what I had. I haven't for a very long time now. I grieved what was and it was brutally painful to let go of. I find myself now longing for something very different and those moments that enter my mind that make me smile are no longer about my Xh. I cannot say for sure when it happened, but his memories are packed away like being placed in a box in the attic. Memories that are left to be dusted off from time to time, but not in the forefront of my life.
Sometimes the finish line is just the start of somethin' new
Author
Topic: