[Mahe]

Hi everyone. I read a lot of posts from other users and I want to share my story. Part because I want to vent, but also I would like your opinion as to whether you think this is MLC or not (of course you never know for sure).

My partner and I have been in a relationship since April 2014 (not married). We were both single at the time, so it was perfect for us. He was married before and has two children. At the time a son of 9 (now 19) and a daughter of 6 (now 16). I don't have any children. He got along fine with his ex wife. They were separated for quite some time before we got into a relationship. I got and get along with her just fine as well.

He always was a very sweet and thoughtfull man. We were always very cuddly, told each other multiple times a day that we loved each other. He told me I was the one and he would never leave me and was sometimes afraid that I would leave him because he is 10 years older. He always told everyone how happy he was that he met me and that we were forever. He never gave me the feeling I should question his whereabouts (and vice versa). We lived together since 2015 and I played (and still play) a very important role in his childrens lives. We did nice things together (vacations with and without the children, going out to eat etc).

In 2022 he regularly told me his head was full. I remember asking him if it was us that was making his head full. He told me that it was work and definitely not us, because we were solid and he could not imagine a life without me. Then suddenly in June 2023 he dropped the bomb: I love you but I am not in love with you. Absolutely for me out of nowhere. Just 10 min before we were cuddling on the couch. I asked him to explain what he felt, but he just said "I don't know". Then he said we weren't compatible () and he just didn't feel anything. He blamed me that I always did my own thing and we didn't have a life together. This was beside the thruth, because in fact we did a lot of things together. It is true that I did a lot of things with friends as well, but he worked a lot so I kinda did my own thing in that time. I also have a fulltime job and I really liked the fact we let each other free and did things together as well. Also he blamed me for the fact that he would always had to get fries on Friday (like what?). I really thought he was losing his mind.  His kids were heartbroken, as was I. During this time he just came home and would act like nothing had happened. Cuddled me, kissed me, we slept in the same bed spooning. I guess I was to shocked to say anything about it and was happy he pretended everything was fine..

About a month later he called me and apologized and said he loved me and didn't want to lose me. We talked and I told him he should see a therapist, because he was still complaining about his head being a mess. Furthermore he told me that he was searching online and he concluded that he had avoidant attachment issues. I looked into it as well and I can see symptoms that are recognizable. He never argues, doesn't like fights. Of course nobody likes fights, but we are all human and sometimes there are disagreements and arguments. During our relationship it was me who argued and he did not argue back but always said: "you're right, it will be ok". And I'm not the type of person who has anger issues or throws things when I'm angry. Since July he's seeing a therapist on a weekly basis (cognitive behavioral therapy). I asked about his sessions multiple times, offered to come along, but he wasn't open about it and didn't take my offer of coming along. I didn't push him and let it be. I also asked him multiple times: how are you? He didn't really give an answer.

Then in September he dropped the bomb for the second time. Again, totally unexpected. We just came home from a birthday party and cuddled together on the coach to watch some series. Suddenly (out of nowhere and after 2 hours of cuddling) he told me he did not want to be near to me or kiss me on the mouth (it's not that I forced him in doing any of this!). The weird thing is that he was the one who would always come to me to cuddle and kiss. Next, he left the house and stayed in hotels nearby. He hardly came to the house to see his kids (I would go away if he wanted to be with his kids). Since it was BD 2, I decided to find another place to live. At that time I didn't know it was possibly MLC. Maybe I shouldn't have moved out.. There was no possibility to talk to him. It's not that he monstered, but he was cutting me short and just didn't call or text me anymore. So after 9,5 years of contact everyday it was silence...

November 2023 I moved out. The day I moved he texted me that he will miss me and he had a hard time with the fact that we didn't say goodbye. I texted him back saying that he was in flight mode all the time, I was alone with his kids (the days they were with us) and that it's hard for me to say goodbye to someone who doesn't have feelings for me when I do have a lot of feelings for him. He texted back that he had a lot of feelings for me and that home did not feel like home anymore. Next: silence.

I asked him multiple times since then to meet and talk. He doesn't say "no", but he says things as: "my head is full", "I'm feeling empty inside", "I'm worried that if we talk you expect things from me", "It seems I can't catch my feelings". So I told him ok a conversation is only useful if you know what you feel and want to express it, so whenever you want to talk I will hear from you. Of course I don't hear from him, but I just let it be..

I meet with his kids regularly, they say they miss me big time. They also told me their dad is unhappy, feels bad all the time.... It's sad for the kids.. I feel bad for myself as well, because I chose a life with him and his children and now my family life is being taken away. Of course, it is always a risk but there's no empathy whatsoever from his side. In my opinion a normal ending of a relationship is with mutual respect for each other. In December I sent him an email and said I still didn't understand what actually happened, but I wanted to thank him for the beautiful years with him and his kids and that I hoped he would find what he misses in life. No bad words, just nice words. To my big disappointment he didn't reply. Not even with a message like I know it hurts and I'm sorry for that and I would like to thank you for the beautiful things you did for my kids. Nothing... Nada.... Total lack of empathy. I think that's what's hurting the most of all.

I move on with my life and don't contact him anymore. I see his kids, but I don't bring up their dad or anything. They tell me things, because they want to tell me it, but I don't push. I just want to have a relationship with his kids, because I miss them like crazy.

Of course I hope that he will see the light and feel what he's thrown away, but I don't even know if this is MLC or just an avoiding man that ended a relationship...

As far as I know there's no affair, but then again you never know...

[KayDee]

Hello Mahe, sorry you find yourself here, but you now with a group of fellow travellers. Some are further along the path and will help you find your way, some will be in step with you. It's a great community, full of very intelligent and wise folk.

I think you know the answer to your title question. And considering it isn't just you that your H is distancing himself from,  it is likely about him, and not you. From everything you've written, your H sounds overtly depressed. He is overwhelmed and has shut down. My H said the exact same words (or close) - he kept saying 'I am full up' - like you, I asked him to share, and he just said it was work, and worries about his ailing mother. And then the lid blew off. Because, a person who doesn't know how to release the full upness  is likely someone who has missed a part of maturation and as a result, has maladaptive coping skills (running, avoiding etc).

So much for the psychology, but be warned, this isn't something that you can help him fix. He's avoidance is finely tuned, and alas, you are collateral damage while he tries to block out responsibility and pain. As you are the person who probably knows him the most, he will likely come to you when he needs comfort, but you need to realize, this will take a toll on you and impede your recovery. It's very hard, but this is his journey to fix something from the past. He needs to do it for himself.

You sound like you have great coping strategies already, but many of us found IC, exercise and surrounding ourselves by loved ones we thoroughly trust is a great start to recovery. And getting a hold of finances too. When people told me about some of the things people in this kind of crisis can do, I truly thought 'no, not my H'. But yes, my H has done about 70% of them.

(((hugs))))

[Ready2Transform]

You've handled everything with such grace, Mahe. I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation, but the choices you've made are solid. If he works through things, you've left the door open for contact, and could decide what role you want to play in his life from there. But if he doesn't, you've removed yourself from any further harm, which is pivotal to your own stability. So glad you and the kids are establishing a new kind of relationship. That should be all the proof you need that this isn't about you or the relationship. Big hugs.

[FaithWalker]

Hello Mahe, I'm sorry that you have been touched by MLC, but I would much rather be one of us than the runner running from themselves.

You're in a good place here.  Continue to post here, doesn't have to be about the MLCer.  We are here to support you.