[Songanddance]

No violence is acceptable and in front of children too. 

Nas is right - he is threatening violence because he can.  And this has to stop.

I strongly advise you to take whatever necessary actions to protect limit your interactions with him at your home. Arrange for a new drop off and pick up location in a public place. He can only communicate with your through a phone app. No need for any verbal communication between either one of you.

THIS

Talk to your therapist. 
I agree - record and log everything he says.  Should it ever be a custody issue - you have evidence.

Thirdly - He doesn't hate you - he hates himself. It is all projection because if he is acting in completely the opposite way from his usual self then he knows it and he hates himself but you are the only one that truly knows him and so you are the target because you are the only one he believed can see through his BS and he doesn't like that.  He knows what he is doing is wrong but like a child he doesn't want to believe that he can be to blame.

Re OW - perhaps this letter that my H's OW wrote me will help you understand that OWs are truly bonkers if they think that they will have the dream life together.   The affair lasted 3.5 yrs and yet 6 months in H was already calling her and her children dysfunctional.  She married someone else (third partner) 18 months later and that lasted until last year so 6yrs and they too are divorced.

 “Dear S&D
I realise that a lot has been said and written (meaning she has read H’s letter to me)
And I felt that it was time that I should write things from my perspective. You are under no obligation to read it but I wanted…. to cover the points in a rational manner and in a way that you could digest them at a pace you are happy with.

I would first of all like to say that I never set out to have any feelings for H ….but I am unable to ignore the force that has put us together and forged a union that has taken me completely by surprise.

I did not set out to hurt anybody and have not asked anything of H that he has not willingly given… I will support him in the situation that he needs to be in to be able to be at peace with himself whether that is with me or you………(long info about her finance and current H and her medical issues…)

……Family is one of the most important things to me and I am always the one to provide, my H and I agreed early on that we would not stay together for the sake of the children and I believe that you should stay in a marriage because you want to be with the other person…….you have to be someone that the other person wants to be with… it is not an automatic right because you have made vows…

I have always been quite private and found attention difficult (the complete opposite is true)……. In your H I have found someone where I am completely able to be myself…. He brings out the best in me and we are very positive together….. As much as it hurts me for my family to be broken like this…..

(she then expands on how “private” she is….and how she is leaving her H because he doesn’t want to join her “journey” of self discovery)
He is aware that his decision is a major flaw…. As much as he may wish to be he is not the right companion for me at this stage…I very much hope that I can continue my journey with H(mine)

I do not want you to think that I have taken these steps lightly or without a lot of soul searching… It is inevitable that people will be hurt but is it right (now paraphrasing because her sentence is far too long) for l  one to sacrifice his (ie my H) happiness simply out of duty – it is very selfish of the other (ie ME S&D) to expect that.

If you would like to meet to discuss this then I am happy to do so.. I’m sorry if you feel that I have intruded but I am …. A helpful person and care deeply for others often to my own detriment.

I do not ask anything for me…..but I do ask this for H as it is tearing him apart and I will support him with whatever he needs.


Hopefully this will help you see - that most OWs who knowingly contribute to the break up of the marriage are dysfunctional themselves.  Remember like attracts like and in the case of MLC a broken MLCer will always attract another broken person.

[Nas]

I cannot re-stress enough that before you lay down boundaries such as communicating through an app and no longer allowing him/OW access to your property, you should speak to a therapist and have them point you towards all available resources to help you know all your rights, protect all your assets and form a safety plan.

Boundaries for people like this are seen as antagonistic. And they don’t differentiate between small and large; the way they respond to a blown out light bulb, a leaky pipe or toxic mold in a home is the same: they burn the whole house down.
I once told my former H to leave his financial disclosure form in the mailbox, not to enter our former shared home. It was a reasonable request given his treatment of me, and it was made in a very calm, respectful manner. He responded to that by leaving an unsigned, incomplete form in the mailbox, draining accounts and vanishing. That’s just one example. The punishment will always far outweigh the “crime” of refusing to be abused any longer. I didn’t know then that boundaries have to be the SECOND step. The first step is preparing for all possible responses to the boundaries and, as much as possible, having protections in place for any scenario.

Please talk to a therapist, document these incidents, and find out how to protect both your physical self and your future security.