[sachertorte]

And I feel so lucky reading your musings. Bless and thank you for sharing. It's been 6.5 years since my BD and I feel like I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, and a lot of it is still on the horizon. Your example floods me with hope. Onward.

My ex-H asked to attend my mother's funeral. I said no. I didn't mean to be mean. I just knew he was the greatest reminder of loss in my life, and I could not celebrate my beloved mother's amazing life if he was in attendance. To this date has not shown a moment's awareness of the impact of what he did to me and our daughter - not so much as a "It's unfortunate but" - he never so much as asked after my mom during Covid. His motto was severance of all ties.

Strangely a large part of me does forgive him. I understand, like you say, how hard life is, and how I was imperfect.

What remains is the fact that my capacity for absolute suffering was unhappily perfect at times; a fact he at least had an inkling of. I had inherited a lot of trauma from my family - absolutely not my parents' fault, they outran their pain and minimized the damage to us kids -- and his unkindness brought down the fortifications I had thrown up painstakingly against that trauma.

I trusted him so much that I let him in. I have only ever been with two men in my life, for all practical purposes.

He is a world away from where your husband is, toomany. I do think he feels a lot of shame as well. It all turns into self-pity with an efficiency that glucose in our blood can only dream of. And he has as much disdain for himself as he ever did for me, for what he saw at the time as my pathetic weakness in continuing to love him. So long as he does that he will not grow or heal.

But I held on to my principles when I saw him last month. I vowed to extend agape and to draw boundaries. He has not acted like a friend. I treated him like an old friend who has nearly forgotten me, which is true enough 

I am at peace. I trust that the higher powers will have him in their keeping. He knows I still love him in the purest way. He is just unable to be loved any other way.

Bless us all and thank you again.

[Reinventing]

TMT and S,

What impactful posts you both made, thanks.

It's a hard road all around and even when the LBS comes into their own, no matter if there is reconciliation or not, the experience of loss was immense.

I smiled at your mention of your "smart mouth" TMT.

[FrenchHusband]

What great posts TMT and S ! Your messages bring tears to my eyes. I daresay that, if there is something we LBS might want to "win", it is that sense of joy in the life brought by the little daily things : a smile, a hug, a wave from other people. 

[MadLuv]

What a great reflections. I can relate to so much except my XH remarried and is pretty much vanished  for me and our kids and grandson. I to grappled with is he an A-hole or was he in crisis. I came to  conclusion that either way something is wrong. I was not perfect, far from it, but there is still common decency on how your treat people and specially people you loved. There is some freedom in knowing that due to that it really was not our fault how we were treated. I also try an appreciate those small things and even my life with my XH. It wasn’t perfect, but it was a good life and we accomplished a lot. I appreciated it.  These men that leave like this don't appreciate what they had. Life is pretty simple. Appreciate life you have. Those that show up and especially those who offer you love.

[toomanytearss]

Just a short vent. I live in Florida and on the west coast. X is here at his place as he has 3 weeks off from his job in Alaska. His place here is about 15 miles from my home and not far from he coast. I offered to him that he could stay at my home through the storm as it’s safer. He accepted and slept on the couch.
The first night was awkward but we were all focused on the storm so stress probably added to the awkwardness. The next day after the storm passed he went to check on his place. Fortunately not flooded but power poles and lines down so not accessible and no power. So he stayed the night last night. It was better and we talked a bit and mostly just took it easy.
He was still without power today so stayed. I had to go into the dealership which left him at my house with our daughter. I called to check in and she said everything was going well and he was mowing my yard and she was just cleaning her room and bathroom. But that they were getting along fine. They made plans for when I got off work to go pick up Chili’s so no one had to cook and afterward we could play cards. Sounded great to me.
So when I got off work I came home and we went and picked up dinner and ate. Everything was fine. Then we broke out the cards. We were having fun. Laughing. Teasing each other.
Then all of a sudden he throws his cards across the table and says he’s done with this $h!te and storms out to my back patio. What the hell!?  Daughter and I are just looking at each other in shock. I kept my cool.
He eventually walks back in and asks why did we put the cards up?  I said we are done playing. He says for me not to be like that. Can you imagine?  I’m really ready to rip his face off at this point. To behave like that in my home in front of our daughter is not acceptable.
I told him we are done playing cards. That his behavior was totally out of line and that I  am not putting up with that in my home  I couldn’t believe how calmly I stated this to him. I guess I did really learn a few things in therapy. Lol.
He asked if I wanted him to go. I said I don’t feel comfortable with you here. He got his suitcase, I moved my truck out of his vehicles way and sent him on his way.
I’ve seen him trying to control his anger quite a lot recently. It’s reminiscent of bd where he’d check out and put his head in his hands. Very weird behavior.
Anyway no way no how was he staying in my house after that.
I have no idea if he has any power at his place yet but I don’t care.
I’m just glad that I kept my cool so my daughter didn’t have to suffer from some huge crazy $h!te on my part.
I just don’t get it. He’s having a good day with our daughter and then just screws it all up being a jerk. I’m not even gonna try and figure it out. Just here smh.

[Treasur]

What’s that funny quote about no good deed going unpunished?

Sounds like you dealt with the situation calmly and decisively - no one could do better than that. I suspect it has also reinforced your long standing choice to keep him on the edge of your life regardless of his words about wanting more.

Suspect it has also left you and your daughter scratching your heads somewhat but I hope that you have reached the shrug stage more quickly than you would have done many years ago.

Why do folks act that way? I have no idea - it’s almost like a toddler having a tantrum while the parent calmly says ‘use your words’ isn’t it? Obviously something in the moment caused him to feel uncomfortable in some way and that was his way of dealing with the feeling. If he did so at work of course I suspect he’d get a punch in the mouth, cold shouldered or fired….if that’s not happened, I guess it tells you that he thought he could get away with that kind of behaviour with you guys - I am much more jaded than I used to be about how much control over one’s own behaviour even the obviously disordered actually have lol - so good thing that you showed quickly and clearly that he can’t. Even his response afterwards was pretty childish, wasn’t it? That ‘no idea why you’ve stopped playing’ and ‘I suppose you want me to leave thing’? Ridiculous nonsense from an adult. Instead of just using his words like an adult to say I’m sorry, I felt this bc x and I reacted inappropriately, it’s not your fault but I think it’s best I leave….

I imagine you and you daughter feel inclined to have a period of sharply reduced contact now. To leave him to his own mess metaphorically and in practice. I’m sure you know now after all these years, just as we say repeatedly, that whatever it was it was nothing to do with you or your daughter and you have no obligation to play nursemaid to his inability to manage his own feelings and behaviour. That’s super hard in the first couple of years, isn’t it, when most of us try so hard to understand non-sense things like this….it’s a blessing to reach a point where one can see and say clearly Nope, not my circus.

Looking back, my own WTF crazy s$it probably started about the same time as yours did until my then h’s lid blew off so fully that one couldn’t unsee it and off to the crazy races we went. It was hard and painful to then, after a year or do of complete chaos and non-sense, be forced into divorce and for him to vanish so completely. Leaving me with a lot of destruction of a life I valued, and lots of questions but no answers outside the ones I could find myself. Today I have no idea if he is even alive or how normal an adult he is in his new chosen life and second marriage. But today tbh, although I could not have foreseen it, I see his disappearance as more of a blessing than a curse. I didn’t choose to erase him or live as if he had died, but there are many ways in which it makes life and healing a bit easier. Strange how things pan out, isn’t it?

Glad to hear that you are all ok though - Storm Helene sounds like it was a grim one.

[Dragonfly33]

Wow what an update. It’s interesting to see that even after 10 years a crisis may not be over. Sometimes I cannot avoid but think my x must have a happier life now that Im out of his life. But hearing these kinds of update makes me realize it’s not all happy life as what they project on social media. It’s amazing how you handled that moment. To remain calm after such disrespect. I could not have done it better I guess if I were in your shoes. Well done!