[MadLuv]

So true Offroad. Thank you for the reflections and insights. I do think D34 should be in a more mature place. It’s funny because she can be very mature, but if it is upsetting or emotions are involved she looses all rationale. What I have noticed is that in the past year I have not buckled to it and it does seem that she does circle back around and each time it does seem that she can handle a little more and is starting to realize that maybe, just maybe she is starting to push me to no return.

 It was my birthday last week and I stated to a few close friends that it would be the opportunity for her to break the silence. She unblocked  me on social media ( that alone was immature and controlling) and I think she thought I would reach out, but I did not. The day after my birthday she messaged me and  and said Happy Birthday. We were so sorry we missed it, but with the baby days role into each other.  Etc etc.

We have her cousins coming in 2 weeks for 4 days and I knew she would need to mend things with me. She continued to message me throughout the day with light chatter. I think she needed the awkwardness to not be there. I do know that O am now not willing to discuss what happened as that door is closed. She shut things down and I just want to move forward. I will also shut down any talks on her father. Thats their relationship or non relationship and he and I have none. I am no longer willing to be the therapist in the situation.

So we shall see how next week goes. At least she broke the silence. That is a first. I felt I needed to stand firm on the disrespect and I am glad for what ever reason I didn't have to be the peace maker again. Im looking forward to a nice family weekend. A full house.  It’s a rarity since the MLC bomb blew up our world.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

So don’t ever feel your advise is not accepted. Sometimes I’m not the best explaining and then realize that thought is based on me not being clear.

Don't worry, I think communication is so difficult and we are all posting and knowing that there are no nonverbal cues to guide us. With that in mind, I always know that the words I give are limited as we have never met in person. Now if we share a couple of old fashions and talked a little football, different story.

From my personal perspective, mother/daughter relationships are complicated no matter what the circumstances are. And no two are alike-like fingerprints.

So with that in mind, I'm not going to delve deep into your relationship with your daughter but rather how you have flipped the script on the situation. By taking yourself out of being in the middle between her and her father, you have denied her emotional dump site that you held for years.  In my various roles in education, I have been part of the negotiations team for the district. When the bargaining party and our team can't reach consensus, we bring in a mediator who listens to both sides and tries to unstick the parties. Of course, the mediator listens to both sides as we describe how bad and unreasonable the other side is. They take it all in and find some outs for both sides.

In many ways, you are the mediator except you are not highly paid and one side (your ex) really doesn't want or care that you are trying to resolve the issues. However, it gives your daughter a great options to dump all of her issues and frustrations on you.

I will also shut down any talks on her father. Thats their relationship or non relationship and he and I have none. I am no longer willing to be the therapist in the situation.

Exactly as I have stated. You are NC with him and you don't need any further aggravation in this regard. He fired you and you are not going to give him or his grody new plaything any opportunities to throw more rocks in your direction. Just as you have set boundaries with him, you are now setting boundaries with your daughter as well. I had just as many rows with my oldest just after the divorce and I remember telling her once, " You need me more than I need you." Now I can do no wrong. Boy does time change things. I think you will enjoy each other more when you conversation and focus is about your relationship with her and her family- not the guy that dumped both of you.

Enjoy the family and more importantly, the peace!

(((Ready)))