[ShadesOfGray]

My husband has been depressed for about 18 months. The BD was about a year ago... He told me I should move out--over something he is upset about that didn't happen. I refused and fought. I am devoted to him and he was going through a really rough time. We had a few months that seemed better. But he mentally checked out during those months, asking me about creating a dating profile and making other hurtful, inappropriate comments.
 
Recently he's said that he can't trust me and said, "I want to split up, I love you and I want to be with you but I don't want to be married to you." We tried IC & MC counseling but he lied to both counselors, exaggerating or outright lying to tell them only what fit his narrative. It resulted in him claiming I'm emotionally abusive and he should leave the marriage.

The problem is, I live in a house he owns, and I don't want to be around this alien who has taken over. I also don't want to be around him if he thinks I am abusing him. I really care about him and I think he needs professional help with past trauma that is affecting his perceptions and decisions.

I took some of my things to a friend's house and stayed with her after the last counseling session. I haven't heard from him since. I'm out of town now for work for another week.

We have a joint account with a substantial amount of money in it, and no other shared assets or children. After NC for a week I am concerned he will drain the joint account or trash my belongings when I'm not home. I want to text him to check in but I also don't really want to talk to him as this is a critical two days at my work and I need to detach from home drama in order to focus. It's all so overwhelming.

[Treasur]

“We have a joint account with a substantial amount of money in it, and no other shared assets or children. After NC for a week I am concerned he will drain the joint account or trash my belongings when I'm not home.”

There are some things where shades of grey are useful…financial stuff usually not so much. My advice to you would be to immediately remove 50% of that joint account to one in your name only and cancel any joint cards etc. you know the details of your situation but, if applicable, I would also look to change any house-related bills with your name on them where you can and remove any important personal items if you are intending to find somewhere else to live at least for now. Which tbh is probably wise if you have no legal right to stay in the house without his agreement.

It isn’t normal to be afraid that one’s spouse might steal from you or trash your possessions. You may be wrong; let’s hope so. But if it has crossed your mind, there’s probably an instinctive reason for that and it is better to be safe than sorry. There are plenty of LBS here, including me, who have paid a heavy financial price for thinking ‘they would never do x or y’ and then finding out someone did just that.

Tell us a little more about you so we can better support you. How old are you both? How long have you been married? Have either of you been married before? What are you most concerned about right now? How can we best help you?

[ShadesOfGray]

Thank you, Treasur. I value your life experience. Let me think about what you asked and I'll respond when I can think more clearly about my personal life tomorrow.

[Biscuit]

Sorry you’re here Shades, but you’ll get good advice and a lot of support.
My W didn’t drain the account or financially ruin me but I’d say from all the stories I’ve read that a really good percentage of people going through MlLC do - so transfer that 50 percent as soon as you can. If things improve you can transfer it back… but you can’t unspend money if your spouse decides to spunk it all - and that happens a lot! It sounds a bit ridiculous if you were dealing with a normal person / spouse - but right now you’re not - so protect yourself and your future. As soon as you can.

[Baxter1]

So sorry you’re here! When all this started I started putting money away and spoke to a lawyer. You don’t have to do anything but just knowing your rights is a good idea.
Take time for yourself and focus on yourself. It is horrible but it does get better. I never believed that in the beginning, it takes some time to detach but it is a great opportunity for personal growth. Keep posting and lean on your support system.

[xyzcf]

Welcome to Hero's Spouse. From what you have written, it seems you realize that there is something "wrong" with your husband...he is different..."alien" is the word you used to describe him. It's very confusing to us because we still remember them to be the person we loved and married.

You said that you are living in a house that he owns...is this because he owned this property prior to marrying you? Did he legally exclude you from the title on the house?

I echo Baxter1's advice.....make an appointment to speak to a lawyer. Every state and country have their own rules..but generally the assets and debts are 50/50 between spouses unless there has been designated things that one spouse has that is separate from the other spouse.

Keep track of all your living expenses, everything from groceries to hair cuts, to travel expenses for at least 6 months so you can show how much you need to live on. Also, make copies of all important documents, taxes especially. Investment accounts, retirement accounts, bank accounts.

Just moving money from your joint account is not enough to protect yourself in the event of his deserting you. Legal advice and perhaps legal measures are important to put in place. I never wanted a divorce, I filed for a legal separation which I could do in my state because it split all our assets and allowed me to stay on his health insurance.

Although we don't believe they will hurt us financially, they do.

Take care of yourself, physically and emotionally. Exercise is important, meditation or yoga can help reduce the fight/flight/freeze response that is harmful for our well being.

Live as though he's never coming back...a hard thing to get one's head around...but MLC can take many, many years and the changes that occur for both of us is our new reality. Find new friends, new activities, new hobbies and if you need to upgrade your education to get a better paying job, try and do that.

You will heal, a good therapist can help. This is a very very difficult time and takes a huge toil on us.

Hero's spouse is a wonderful place to ask people's opinions, but your situation is unique and you will know what is best for you. Listen to your inner voice but make sure to protect yourself.

[ShadesOfGray]

Hello everyone. Thank you for the advice. I did speak to two lawyers and decided not to make any moves with the money or anything else. I stayed at a friend's house. A few weeks after the last post, my husband called to say he was wrong and he wants to stay married and try to work on things.

I tentatively said ok, but only if we find a new marriage counselor. He agreed, and after the first session I went back home. She was very warm, insightful, and professional... but it still did not help as he would not take any of her advice nor really hear the heart of any messages from her or I.

He hit (what I thought was) rock bottom in June--physically and mentally a total wreck--and was generally nicer after that. I knew cycling was a possibility but hoped we were on our way back up.

Just a few days ago he invented some new perceived slight, was angry and monstering me again, and became abusive over the phone. He said he wants a divorce. I said ok.

I'm out of town but planning to pick up some of my stuff next week and stay with a friend while waiting for him to file. He said he wants to use a paralegal but I will probably hire one of those lawyers I interviewed.

The man I loved is gone, I am starting to accept that. Still hurts, though.

[forthetrees]

Please know that if he clears the account you won´t see your 50% as he has the right to take it all. That is why you need to take the 50%, even though you could take it all. A divorce does not mean that you would be made whole if he cleared the account. You are now in survival mode. Though emotionally flattened, please secure your finances and then you can fall apart.

[Treasur]

FTT is quite right. This happened to me. Please don’t let it happen to you. If you’re not sure, simply ask yourself if you would instinctively trust your h right now if you were on life support…and if your gut tells you that he has not told you the truth about anything important. If so, trust your instincts. You can always move it into an account in your name but not touch it until legal processes begin.

Did you discuss the merits of filing yourself with the lawyers? I say this bc ‘waiting’ for these folks to act can be a surprisingly long wait. It sounds as if you are thinking that, given what he has proclaimed, his next step will be a practical one to set up the paperwork and file. He may, but it is not uncommon here that they don’t act in ways that seem sensible or reasonable.