[Thundarr]

Greetings and salutations, all.

For those who do not know me, I'm one of the Class of 2011 along with Ready2Transform (Hi Ready!) and so many others. XW was a classic MLCer who abandoned me and our kids shortly after I discovered her affair with a married lawyer. She moved about a dozen times in three years but each time it was to be convenient for him to get sex or whatever from here while under the guise that he was working as he and his wife lived in a different city several miles away. after a few years his wife discovered the affair and left him, and that's when XW told D25 about the affair and that she was happy that he left his wife as now the two of them could live happily ever after. This devastated D25 (who was then 13) as she could not imagine the mother she had known not only behaving in such a way but bragging about it and expecting her to be happy about it. XW's plans did not work out though as lawyer boy dumped her like last week's garbage after she helped him find a house in our town and moved in a 24-year-old and her two kids which left XW devastated. The Karma Bus drove straight over her but I did not rub it in or celebrate how she was treated just as she had treated me. Revenge was not my intent.

XW had a string of losers and poor decisions after that and currently is with probably the biggest loser she's been with and has been for almost 10 years. The kids despise him and he refuses to be anywhere I'm at for some reason, which is fine with everyone as he's never been invited to or participated in family functions. This past summer D25 decided to take XW up on her offer to stay with her between college semesters (both she and S21 received full ride scholarships at a prestigious university in our state). D25 said she witnessed early on the verbal abuse that XW's boyfriend engages in and finally reached a breaking point when he was calling XW names. D25 stood up to him and told him not to talk to her mother that way and he started in on her and started calling her names, too. (He and I are going to have a face-to-face talk about this whenever I catch him in public.) He kicked D25 out of their house and XW took his side. A few days later D25 ran into them at a restaurant and XW told her she owed the boyfriend an apology and it was none of her business how he talked to her (XW.) D25 said she refused to apologize to him and left the restaurant very hurt that her mother would allow someone to verbally abuse her and call her names and not take up for her.

Fast forward to this past December. Both D25 and S21 are aspiring musicians and juniors in the university working on music degrees. XW has not attended a single one of D25's performances in over two years but makes it to most of S21's. If both are in a concert together she's about 50/50 on making it, always offering some sort of excuse even though my fiancee has offered to let her ride with us many times. This has hurt D25 immensely even though she says she's used to it. In December, both kids had concerts withing two weeks of each other and XW made it to S21's and while talking to all of us in the parking lot made the comment that she liked S21's section better than D25's. This sent a dagger through D25 and was the catalyst for D25 to apparently give up on school and stop taking her anti-depressants. D25 ended up skipping out on her finals and moved to a neighboring state with a total loser she met on the internet and his family. D25 has transferred jobs to the rural community and cut all ties with the college and me apparently as I haven't seen her since Christmas and she visited the rest of the family on her birthday (31st) without even telling me she was in the state.

My biggest problem is that XW is cheering her on. XW had to drop off something for S21 the other day so I invited her in to talk with her about D25 and my concerns. At the time, XW did not even know she had dropped out of college or moved to the other state and seemed to really be concerned as well. I shared with her how her missing D25's concerts but making it to S21's has affected her and how her comment was taken about liking his section better. I was not accusatory and told her I knew she loved the kids equally and that she would never do anything to hurt either of them. That was a white lie on my part as I believe she has always seen D25 as a younger version of her and projected her self-hatred onto D25, possibly unwittingly. She agreed to talk to D25 and see if she could get through to her. Unfortunately, being the scumbag parent she is she ended up giving D25 a 'You go, girl!" and told her how proud she was of her and was glad she was happy. Yes, D25 threw her life down the toilet and XW cheered her on for doing it. D25 sacrificed a full scholarship as well as crapping on her advisor and all the ones who had helped her get the scholarship and gone to bat for her.

At this point I honestly wish XW would just drop dead and wish she had 15 years ago instead of putting me and the kids through what she has. MLC or not, she is a worthless person and undeserving of forgiveness at this point. I've dealt with the neglect, abandonment and emotional abuse of our kids enough as she put whatever man she was with ahead of them but her celebrating D25 throwing her life away is the final straw. I closed the door on reconciliation when she admitted to the affair and am awaiting the Tribunal's decision on the annulment so that my fiancée (one the of truly best people I have ever met) can marry in the Fall. My life goes on and XW's continues to be a train wreck from Hell. She deserves whatever she gets but I can't shake the feeling that with D25 throwing her life away XW finally got the victory she always wanted. Not in a good place right now.

Peace to you all.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello my friend and it is good to hear from you,

I hope the grand baby is doing well and the rest of your family as well. I read your post and went back to some of my responses and one that I thought summed up what I was trying to state and did so much more eloquently.

XW had a string of losers and poor decisions after that and currently is with probably the biggest loser she's been with and has been for almost 10 years.

You know her behaviors and her actions for almost fifteen years now. However, you still want to be connected to her even as she continues to disrupt yours and your children's lives whenever given the opportunity. She borrowed money from her oldest daughter, meets the occasional family event, and then stirs up the pot with the children. Yet, you push this fantasy notion that somehow she is going to see the light and all of you can be one big happy family. When she disappoints you, you are crushed. That is not detachment and shows that after all these years, you still seek connection with her.

A few days later D25 ran into them at a restaurant and XW told her she owed the boyfriend an apology and it was none of her business how he talked to her (XW.) D25 said she refused to apologize to him and left the restaurant very hurt that her mother would allow someone to verbally abuse her and call her names and not take up for her.

This does not sound like a emotionally sound person who wants to raise a strong and self assured daughter. So it confuses me when you post:

At the time, XW did not even know she had dropped out of college or moved to the other state and seemed to really be concerned as well. I shared with her how her missing D25's concerts but making it to S21's has affected her and how her comment was taken about liking his section better. I was not accusatory and told her I knew she loved the kids equally and that she would never do anything to hurt either of them. That was a white lie on my part as I believe she has always seen D25 as a younger version of her and projected her self-hatred onto D25, possibly unwittingly. She agreed to talk to D25 and see if she could get through to her. Unfortunately, being the scumbag parent she is she ended up giving D25 a 'You go, girl!" and told her how proud she was of her and was glad she was happy.

If she didn't know about D25's choices, that meant D25 didn't want her to know. Then you try to manipulate your ex to suddenly do the "right" thing? That would be the same for me to give a bottle of vodka to an alcoholic and tell them to give it to one of my friend's tomorrow. Then be upset that my friend didn't get the bottle.  I posted this to you back in 2022.

This is why it is best not to have anything to do with her as her actions have not changed one bit since she left. Yes, she shows up to some family functions and helps present the "friendly" co-parenting exes, but it is all an illusion. Her priority is herself and this is evidenced by her willingness to solicit money from her own kids to support her lifestyle. That is a huge red flag.

Four years later, nothing has changed. Your interactions with her continue to put you on a rollercoaster where you go from comparing your fiancee as your ex 2.0 to posts about how much you hate your ex. I really urge you to cut those hopes and dreams of everyone getting along and

You need to drop her completely and live as if she is not there at all. Take care of your family and focus on those that contribute to your world, not detract.

I wrote that several years ago as well. However, I want you to carefully read XYZCF's response.

Expecting anything at all from her sets you up for disappointment......as you know, you cannot fix her. If it feels better to close all doors, then do so, if it feels better to remember her as someone you loved deeply, the mother of your children and you can have some compassion for her in this "state" then that's fine too.

I have followed these words for the past few years and while we are not "besties" my ex and I have reached the point where we can speak to each other with respect. We don't meet often, but I can be with her and it's okay. No emotions either way, but an appreciation for the times we had together and the two wonderful daughters we raised together.

I know you are hurt by D25's actions, but she is still your baby and you have to accept her decisions, not agree, but accept them and when she comes home, welcome her back as if she has never left.

You are doing well on so many other fronts, enjoy the grandbaby, your upcoming wedding, and a full life with your friends and family. Don't let MLC keep you from truly being a peace with yourself.

(((Ready)))

[limitless]

Thundarr,

Wow!  I had no idea.  I see your FB posts and that you have a fiancee (congratulations) and believed that you had moved on.

Ready wrote you some very insightful comments.  Read them and when you are finished - read them again.  I know that you share kids with your Ex and, thus, you will always have some connection.   That doesn't mean that you need to continue to be connected to her actions and choices.  As XYZ stated, you cannot control anything that she will say or do.  And expecting anything - that is just a ticket to the crazy farm.

I saw my ex last August for the first time in almost 10 years.  I hear from our kids what is going on with him (the usual stuff - mostly filled with poor decisions on his part).  I also hear how he consistently disappoints them.  It makes me feel sad for them.  But, there is nothing that I can do about it.  All I can do is be the best Mom that I can be - for them.   They are all adults now.  The relationship (or lack thereof) that they have with their father is really not any of my business.  That is between them.

I was a bit concerned that seeing him again I would feel the some need to "save or help" him.  (He and OW#1 got divorced again last year).  I am very please to find that I felt NONE of those feelings.  Just a twinge of pity for a distant relative that I barely know.

Again, congratulations on your upcoming marriage.  I wish you all the best.  Your kids will be ok.  They will figure things out.   Just be there for them - like you always have.

Hugs,

L

[zartheit]

Yes, D25 threw her life down the toilet and XW cheered her on for doing it.

I only really want to respond to this one part. I personally do not agree that your daughter "threw her life down the toilet". Yes, her decision does not appear ideal to me. Yes, her decision looks hasty and impulsive. But she is 25 years old. Her path may be more turbulent and painful than you might otherwise have hoped, but we all must live our own lives.

In the case that this is somehow certified as the single worst decision she could have made, I still don't believe that it would mean she threw her life away. At one point I truly KNEW that my ex ruined my life. But as painful as her decision and method she used to leave me was, she couldn't ruin my life; even if I thought she could, I could choose at any point to turn it around.

Your daughter appears to have taken an unforeseen fork in the road. Maybe it will turn out it was for the best, maybe it won't. Regardless, she still has a rich and full life ahead of her, even if the shape of it is now unfamiliar.

As for your ex, she sounds miserable and misery loves company. It must be challenging to have that on the periphery of your life.