[No expectations]

Shelly, I wonder if we are different because we are both cancer survivors.  I was diagnosed w breast cancer 3/13.  I don't let the anger eat at me, I channel it into something that is a positive step for me.  I am less angry now than I was, and I think part of it is the counseling, and part is reading everyone's stories.  I realize that he couldn't control or change it any more than I can.  But I still have my moments....

[Shelly7435]

stilllvhim; Breast Cancer as well.  Started in 2014 - pre-cancerous , 2 lympectomy.  7/2016 diagnosed.  Still working through it.  I think I have been so distracted with the cancer that I haven't had the time to get mad.  I know it is the Monster and he can't control it.   I'm just angry.  I would typically workout to release it but can't right now.  I also think anger harnessed correctly can make you stronger in the long run. 

[lawprofessor]

Ahhh, the anger stage.  I think I was the reigning queen of anger as I took a 2 x 4 to my husband at one point.  Not recommended by the way.  But in my defense he was coming back for another go at free facial reconstruction for the wife. 
My take:
Let it out rather than stuff it down.  The people that have trouble later in the forgiveness phase are the ones that had trouble in this stage.  They stuffed it down and internalized it, making excuses for their husband's behavior while trying to appear oh so rational and healed and healthy and forgiving.  They worried about being angry and letting their husbands know they were angry out if fear the h would run forever.  They were still putting another's issues before their own.

Anger is a healthy human emotion.  We have a right to be angry.  Its just its not healthy to camp out for too long in the anger phase.

I believe:
1.  Anger is based in the feeling that we are not in control of our lives.  Natural when a bomb just blew our lives apart.  So the answer is to take back control of our lives.  Accomplish things.  Don't depend on a MLC person for things they can't and won't give.  Learn those things he said you can't do.  Prove him wrong.

2.  Exercise regularly.  I added martial arts to my exercise GAL routine as well as yoga and meditation.  It burns off aggression and anger.

3.  Be comfortable with the emotion of anger.  That's particularly hard for conflict avoidant people of which this forum has many.  Anger isn't something to run from.  Anger can be handled and diffused.  Just because one is angry doesn't mean you have to internalize the anger and personalize it. 

4.  Anger is also about not having a voice that is heard.  These guys don't care what we are feeling or slogging through so its natural to feel angry.  Use the anger to help you build appropriate boundaries and teach others how to treat you.  This is a valuable lesson in case the MLC person returns.  Decide for yourself what you will and won't put up with in terms of how people treat you and enforce that.  It can be done politely and maturely.

5.  Move forward with life.  This too will pass.  The anger phase isn't a free pass for being a raving b!tch.  It should be treated like another growing phase.  It corrects for the door mat stage and pretzeling phase.  Actions have consequences.  If one never has consequences one never has a reason to modify behavior.  Then one never grows up and establishes an adult identity which I believe is a goal in MLC. 

Lp

[Onward]

This is a timely question.

I am working my way through a cycle of anger right now and was going to post about it on my own thread.  A discussion would be more helpful.

For me, the anger has been rumbling below the surface for a week or two now.  I don't feel anger often, but there have been cycles of it during this whole thing (2 1/2 years in, now).

The first thing I do now is just acknowledge that I am angry. I'm still learning to sit with anger and other so-called negative emotions, but accepting that it's OK to be angry has been an important step in growth for me (or sad, or anxious, or lonely of whatever the motion might be). Really "seeing" it (the emotion), and naming it, and feeling it helps work through the emotion a lot faster now, at least for me.

With anger, I try to figure out "what is actually going on?", because I have learned that anger is a secondary emotion: it's a stand-in for something else.

Right now, I think my anger is stemming from being weary. From the shorter, darker, rainier days. From the holiday season (this is the time of year H & I started dating.). From impatience. Annoyance at being put in the position of having to make decisions and do things as a result of something I did not want, and did not choose.

But mostly, the anger is rooted in my own perceptions -- specifically my perceptions of H's ingratitude. Ingratitude for me. For our life. Ingratitude for our friends. For my family. For the love and support he was given. That that ingratitude translated to what I perceive as selfish actions that blew apart our life without a thought about the pain it would cause me or anyone else. Frustration at my inability to reach him; and his apparent unwillingness to work on any other solutions adds fuel to the fire.

Anyway, writing out what I'm thinking (yes, good old fashioned journaling!) really helps. The anger physically works its way out of my head, through my hand and onto the page.

And then, once I feel a little sorted mentally, I try to get outside and do something physical. If I can't do that, I talk to myself, out loud -  "let it go; let it go; let it go". (Only in the privacy of my car or home, though.  )

I "get" why people run, and work out to dissipate anger. It is an emotion that I have to mentally and physically and even spiritually work out of my system.

Speaking for me, I think that it wasn't until I started working out anger at a spiritual level that I could begin the process of forgiveness. It's forgiveness that I'm still working on. Chances are good that until I've completely forgiven, I won't completely release anger.

One thing I consciously really, really, really make an effort not to do any more is carry anger anywhere near my dog, my horse, or other people. I've learned the hard way just how quickly it's transmitted to others and how damaging that emotion can be in the presence of sensitive people and creatures.