[Shantilly Lace]

I'm a stander.  I was a stander before I knew it had a name.
i knew that Dearheart had called an end tot he relationship but I didn't believe it.
Things he did, things he said, well I knew they weren't that way.

I knew from experience fairly early on that I was dealing with depression and that was triggered by something he said.  It set the alarm bells off in me as I thought Oh my godhe sounds like I thought way back when.

And that was when I really started thinking about how I was when I fled.

I read a few "get you ex back" ebooks but knew they were missing something vital in regards to my Dearheart.  And I kept searching.  I wasn't willing to just believe what he was saying.

I stand because I love this man.  I want our future relationship to work.  I look at what he has done and what he continues to do and it sucks.
Do I question mystand. Yes.  I have never questioned my love for him, don't always like what he is doing but not my love for him.  Sometimes I think people come here expecting the answers on how to solve it, and when they read it's a LONG time and it is HARD work, they realise it's not for them.  They may not be ready to let go but they know it'snot for them.

This forum has me find people who get frustrated about their situation but generally don't "bash" their spouses.  We want ourspouses to return and we start the work that we need.
Originally the work starts out as a way to try and get the spouse back.  Oh if i do this then they do that.
It doesn't work that way.  It means looking at how you were in your relationships with everyone and seeing what you like and didn't like.  Standing for me means learning about me and hoping Dearheart will return.

Imagining what I would like in my relationships, not just with dearheart but with other people.  and figuring out what I need to do to have that shift.
I have new behaviours I like.  I am not so volatile, I am not so judgemental, I am able to hold my tongue and i can listen.  really listen. There are other things as well.  I no longer feel obligated to be friends with people if I think they are toxic. 

Standing is healing with hope.

[arp1]

After flip-flopping on whether I'm going to 'Stand' in the face of my W's MLC, I've come to the conclusion that I will. She needs space and time and doesn't know if we have a future. I've considered and explored moving out because that might help her healing and mine, but having talked to my sister and a friend I realise and finally accept that it won't; she's got to get through this herself. I believe in our marriage and love her so I choose to Stand.

I'm using this opportunity to look hard at myself and learn. Try to live as best I can fro me and our two boys.

[TooBigToFail]

I understood Standing better after reading the very helpful Pursuer/Distancer article:

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/Standing-actions_contact-and-communication_pursuit-and-distance.html

MLC pushed us into the Pursuer role as our response to the pain of sudden and unexpected abandonment.   And Pursuit may be the worst response for ourselves or the relationship.

So I see Standing as having a lot of interpretations, but the one I found most useful was to see it as the alternative to being the Pursuer.  Standing redirects all that instinctive pursuer energy and focuses it on the only thing worth pursuing and the only thing possible to pursue at this point - restoration and care of the self.

I am not Waiting.  I am not Doing Nothing.  I am not Running.  I am not Pursuing.  I am not Rotting.

I am Standing.

Each will decide how long to stand, but I think for someone truly standing, time no longer matters and the decision become an implicit consequence, not an explicit choice.

In simpler terms:  Standing is your mental and emotional oasis in a desert of "sucks" that MLC dropped us into but it is an oasis that can grow to the point that the desert is no longer a fear.