I'm glad you've posted this, hyper. It's more tricky than people think to reconciliate.
My H has been home about a year, but was still undecided for much of that time, and even now will not admit that he's done anything wrong.
Perhaps it would be good if we could start with a list of the difficulties we face. Here's mine:
1. He's home, but there's a pervading doubt: will he go again?
2. He doesn't admit he's done anything wrong, or ever stopped loving me... how do I face this?
3. I get flash backs of things he's said and done. How do I live with it?
4. He's back, he's better (helps out etc.) but I'm less tolerant of behaviours I would have put up with before, such as long periods of not talking to anyone, overworking, lack of affection. Where do I draw the line with what I accept (accepting him for what he is, a workaholic introvert) and what I don't (someone who is self absorbed and doesn't see the hurt he causes)?
I may add more later...
Mx
Mermaid--Something told me to look at this site today. It's been some time since I posted. Even in the beginning our DH's were some what similar in what they said and did. Reading your post today I see still see some similarities, or maybe the similarity is between you and me, because of your questions.
The pervading doubt: I know I was on edge for at least four months after H returned. It was four months after his return that I demanded ALL contact with OW end for good. After that blow-up I was sure he was going to leave. I even asked him if he was going. When he made that decision to come home it was for good as he recently confirmed with me. I'm moving far enough away mentally from the darkest days that I don't recall when in the MLC stages they make that decision (near the end of replay I think). I am of the opinion that many return home when they are still in replay, or at least a winding down of replay, something less energetic than replay. Maybe RCR has a name for this. I think there is some mini-stage at the end of replay but before depression and withdrawal. They aren't ready to fully face and admit their wrong doings yet. It comes in small bits and pieces. I don't know what to call it--a winding down period maybe. I know this continued for nearly a year in my H. As I think back on it, it was probably a good 10 or 11 months before I "really, really" knew and felt confident all of the time that he was going no where. At some point, I told myself that if he left again it was on him. I had done all I could to love him and would survive.
Your second question: the admission comes slowly also. It won't all be at once. See my above theory on this "mini-stage" that some go through. Until they get to and through depression/withdrawal they won't be able to admit it all. Some may take more blame than others.
How do you know he stopped loving you? I'm calling you on that my friend. Even if they say those words, it's not true. I know that the MLCer does continue to love the spouse. They may not be able to see it, but they do.
The flashbacks--Mermaid and all--this takes time and effort. I guarantee that they do lessen, and much of it does not matter at some point. At various points in my threads I detailed some of the ways I put the flashbacks in the past.
As for your last question--this is one only you can answer. I too faced this dilemma. It's a tough one. On one hand we want to love unconditionally and on the other we have some standards. All I can tell you is that you may not yet know the answer, but it will evolve and come over time.
Mermaid--he's moving slowly, but it will come. You will get your answers.
xoxo
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reconcilliation support