[nlovemyfamily]

Does mlcer get angry and detached to a higher degree near the end of the tunnel?
It's been 6+ years and he now is filled with anger, much more detached than previous years.  What type of affect do you see when coming near the end of tunnel?

[Anjae]

Hi nlovemyfamily,

MCLers cycle more and have more extreme behaviour near the beggining and the end of the tunnel when they see some light. My husband has left 5.6 years ago. He is a vanisher and I'm pretty much NC. I don't get to see much of how he is doing but I notice a change in him from early last year to early this year.

I've had to spoke to him. Last years he went to a wide range of emotions, from nice to monster and back on a 10 minutes phone call. This year I managed to talk with him for an hour and no monster.

I do not know if my husband is near the end of the tunnel. Don't think so, not near the end, end. Maybe he still has one more year or 18 months to go but he this year he manage to say he is not angry at me.

When they start to see some light at the end of the tunnel they also start to see the damage they have caused. That makes them nervous. And, like during the whole of the crisis, they will test us.

I think the end of the tunnel is similar to the beggining, more detachment, more anger, more confusion. I remember my husband slowly getting into the tunnel, slowly getting near BD. He become mad, totally detached. On the lasts days home it was awful, we would come back from work and would not even kiss me. And the anger... The anger could provide energy for an entire continent.

So, if your husband is at the end of his tunnel you may have to deal with more anger and detachment.

Try to be as detached from his anger as you can. Come by and vent and talk whenever you want.

Hugs, A

[STILL IN LOVE]

AnneJ......... My H has been in MLC for just over 3 yrs. H has moved back home 4 times now. This is his 4th time back and it's been his longest at 16 days. I've been told he's "Cycling" and Im not sure I know exactly what that is. I tried looking it up on here but can't really find what I'm looking for do you have any info on "cycling" ??
I'm thinking my H MIGHT be towards the end of the tunnel. For the first time in over 3 yrs he asked me to go to the movies with him today. I was FLOORED absolutely SHOCKED     

[Dontgiveup]

Here is a link to RCR's blog "Cycling and Mixed Messages"

http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/?p=342

Here is RCR's article about Touch and Goes and Reconnection.

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_coming-and-going_touch-and-goes-and-reconnection.html

If it's the first time he's asked you in three years, it may be a touch and go.......you will likely only know where he is in the process in hindsight.
 
RCR Edited: The blog link pointed to a different article; I corrected it.

[Anjae]

DGU, can you find some of the features about the end of the tunnel/coming out of it and post them here for nlovemyfamily? Thank you so much.

Still, DGU is right, if it is the first time in three years your husband has asked you out it may be a touch & go. Only what comes next will allow you to know if it is the end of the tunnel or not.

Mine had keep asking me out for all the time I was still living in out flat, and during that time we went to many (already programmed) social events together. Since I returned home he had several touch & goes during OW1. When he and OW1 broke (early 2008) he invited to go out with him and also wanted do know if the spark between was still there and  was willing to book an hotel room to find out. I told him I thought the spark was not there and said no as far as being his girlfriend was concerned.

About a month and a half after I said not he invited me out again. He texted saying he was on a club here in town, on his own, asking if I would like to go and join him. That he would pay for everything and would even took me home afterwards, or, if I did not wanted to wait until the club closed (we was there to clubbing) he would pay my taxi home. I said no thanks, I’m already in bed, reading a book and I not going out now. Maybe another time.

When he was contacting me he was already talking to OW2 and several other women. Not that, at the time, I knew it. Somehow I knew taking is offer was not a good idea.

It is almost impossible to know if they are doing a Touch & Go or really out of the tunnel. With mine it was relatively easy because by then he still had all his replay behaviours, even if, at the time, there was no official OW.

When they contact us, ask us out or start give us presents (mine did that towards the end of OW) they are testing us.

Do you want to go to the movies with your husband? Does OW remains in his life? If so, are you comfortable going to the movies with him? How would you feel if you go and, then, he just stops asking you out again? There are no rights or wrongs to deal with a MLCer, only general rules and guidance and we are the ones who know our MCLers, and ourselves better.

Hugs, A

[Dontgiveup]

From Back Limbo Forward Repeat
As he approaches the end of the tunnel he will see the light. He may cycle again--hating and loving you. The Rollercoaster is wildest at the beginning and end when they are making decisions. When he sees the light at the end of the tunnel, the damage also becomes visible. It may be so great that he runs again. Or he sees the Love and Hope in his spouse and becomes afraid.

[nlovemyfamily]

Thank you AnneJ and DGU,
I am struggling lately with health difficulties that keep me home on IV's 4X's a week for 5 hours each day....so a lot of time to think.  I am struggling with how we built a strong life and marriage for 31+ years and it was destroyed and thrown away in 6 months (the time before BD). Now 6 years later and 3 years D there has been no real remorse or amends.  No relationship with 3 loving adult kids and loss of everything I thought he valued in life...  Maybe there will be no end of the tunnel...but his AP has moved to mid country and we are all in NJ!!!  He lives in her estate until it sells while she is in her new home.  He says he will look for his place when her place sells...??All the while knowing he will not have any bonding with his kids while he stays with her.....he refuses to break up but also refuses to say he will marry.......so much wasted time while they find their happiness at the expense of their flesh and blood!!!

[STILL IN LOVE]

Thank you DGU

I'm in the process of reading it all now !!! 

[Shantilly Lace]

DGU,
All I know is Dearheart is in replay and going ballistic.  May I hope it’s heading towards the end as it is sooo much like BD.
All anger and hating me.


BUT I know he can retreat back into the tunnel and stay there longer, and I know that he may decide to never return, and I also know that this may be his cycle.


I think it gets worse toward the end and really this behaviour he is exhibiting is really like what devastated me in the beginning.  Now I am stronger and don’t rely on him for my own self worth.  I get wobbly and have tantrums myself.  But I am better than this behaviour and my girls rely on me.  He is back to ground zero almost and I am only my way up.


It won’t be until much much later whether we will know whether this was the beginning of the end (which could still take years) or more of the middle.