[Anjae]

On principle, yes, I agree that removing the hostility may work. But maybe only if they are ready for the next step? The less hostily I am with Mr J the more suspicious he becomes. He says I'm being too nice and having sugary talk, that he knows me and I'm not like that so I must be up to something.

I asked him if prefer me to be less kind to him, he said no. But he did not come forward. In fact, he trusted me far more early on. I guess me not allowing him to cake eat and not allow him to get his way on the divorce = he gets everything, I get nothing, does not help but no way I will allow him to get what is mine by law.

Maybe things are different if they are fighting us in court and have OW/OM who is pulling the strings to try to get all they can?...

Frankly, I have no idea what to do with mine so I do nothing. I have even completely stop to talk with him. Last times I did was because my lawyer asked me to. I also have nothing, except legal issues, to take care with mine. Maybe too much time went by and too much damage is still being done.

All I know is that not all MLCers react the same to lack of hostility, NC, and all the other things we are told that work. And that some MLCers, mine, Trustandlove, Trusting and others, need more than 6 or 7 years of Replay. So this MLC is not so black & white and even if there is a script it does not unfold the same way, or under the same situation, to everyone. 

[FindingJoJo]

I think removing the hostility serves more than one purpose though.  Removing hostility and anger from our lives benefits us and is for us.  They may be suspicious especially when we do it where it doesn't match up to us.  I don't sound sugary by any means to my H he wouldn't trust it, but I do for the most part try to remove the hostility for me more than for him, I simply don't like the negativity.  My H has come to trust me more, not enough to come home but I am still not labeled fun - he is still in that mode.  He has however come a long way and is no longer not talking, and no longer knee deep into the drugs and alcohol - sober more than he is drunk these days. 

I think each situation is different though and we should play it by ear knowing our spouses and what they are like.  I still think that truth darts should be given, but they can occur in a non-hostile manner. 

[Snowdrop]

What if my MLC has been through the individuation process and he has followed his bliss and found himself and that is who he is right now? I have wondered that. He appears so successful and so pleased with where he is at right now.

I wonder that too.

That's the danger of placing too much hope on a return and not working enough on yourself. One ends up not only having their marriage blown up, but now has lost another 5-7 years of their life tied up in someone who hasn't come back.

For me, "I wonder that too", was simply to say agreed, I would wonder that too, end of story.  I do not give much thought to where H is or how he is, or where he is on his journey.  I don't really care.  Believe me, I am under no illusion of H ever returning.  If you read my thread you will see.  I do not focus on him, but my children and myself.  For some people, maybe, but I don't think too much of my H outside of being on this board. 

[Snowdrop]

TT and Snowdrop you are wondering too much and taking Jung too the letter. Jung is fine but one should be a little cautions and not to simple eat all he has said/think.

Still, I doubt any of your husbands has reached the end of their crisis or is stuck in MLC. They have not been in crisis for that long.

Hey Anjae

I was just reading the thread and commented on the one before mine, just the sentence.  I have read nothing at all from Jung, ever, unless its been on this board and I didn't know about it   There is no way I would ever think my husband is anywhere near to the end of his crisis.  It really is new, and I live as if he has gone for good, as I feel he probably has.  I would not sit and wait for the man he is now, and in fact, we are in a good place.  I'm done and happy.  That being said, I don't ever wonder if he will come home as I don't care, and in fact, don't want him here.  If that changes in the future, we will deal with it then, but until if and when that happens, we are quite fine by ourselves.  I don't wonder where he is on his journey, as that is his journey to make, not mine.  He can do whatever he needs to do, and I will do the same.  I've always felt we are in a relationship out of choice, and yet we are individuals who need to have our own life journey, as well as the one we had together.  I would hope if it was me, he'd have left me to find my own answers, as I'm trying to leave him alone to find his own.

[panda]

Listen to Albatross, he is right when he says, you have to "let go".

Let go of the worries
Let go of the questioning
Let go of the wondering
Let go of HIM

Let go and live your life as if he's never coming back.  Detach from his craziness. 

It took me over a year to really "let go" and just when I started to live MY life, thinking he'd never come back, tonight, after 2 1/2 years of being gone,  he asked me if he could come back home when his lease is up, the end of October  . 

He wants to take me on a cruise during Christmas break

I was finally in a good place and I didn't expect him to come home, at least not any time soon and boom, here he comes.

We both know it will take some work, but we're both willing to give it a try.

I don't know what I would have done without the advice of this wonderful forum, so THANK YOU, to all of you who have helped me get through this.

Tonight, I am truly happy, for the first time, in a very long time.

Hope

Stillhoping,  really happy to see your post!  Wishing you and your H all the best.

[rosemary129]

Hi! Albatross,

Thank you for your posts! I really learn a lot .

I read from HB 's six stages of MLC , she said that the first sign of coming out of the tunnel was splitting , she can see flashes of old & flashes of teenage liked 3 faces of Eve.  But I can see the teenage when my H regressed , when they regress , they are in Replay , is this correct ? I am a bit confuse .

[Albatross]

New thread REPLAY - #3 thread.