[thissucks]

What is the difference between standing for my marriage and desperately avoiding abandonment?

[Shantilly Lace]

Standing is doing what is right for you.  It isn't still, it is moving forward doing things and living as if they won't return, even with the hope they may.  It is changing and learning about yourself.  Doing it with grace.
 Desperately avoiding abandonment is where you will do anything and sacrifice yourself to try hold onto your marriage.

[in it]

I struggled with this a great deal at first.

 To me standing felt more like waiting to me. I had a tough time grasping the concept. But now I think I finally get it.

You have to get on with your own life no matter what. This wasn't your choice; no it's not fair. These words seem so cold as I type this.

They may realize what they've lost..they may not. The desperation sets in when you realize you may not get what YOU want.

No contact was the key for me.

[Breakingthecycle]

The more I read here, the more I think that I have been standing since I first realised that things werent right without realising that is what I was doing.  Since BD I have been more conscious of working on me, but I've only recently heard the term standing. 

Doing anything to avoid abandonment seems like a natural reaction to begin with but I don't know if you would be able to keep up any changes in the long term.  You would be acting in a role instead of actually living life.

[in it]

I was standing also when the signs got really obvious he was in a depression.
I was just trying to be quiet and uninvolved with his stuff. But he kept ramping everything up until I finally had to address it.
One time I said to him "You misbehave like a 13 year old boy" He got really pissed over that let me tell you.

This switched to care and concern and still I was quiet.
He didn't like that either...that's when he started with the divorce talk etc.

Then finally threatened my life..that was enough for me. I left. And that's when I found this forum.

 Standing came across as waiting to me and I started doing things for all the wrong reasons. I was doing things trying to win him back or at least a second chance to prove how much I loved him. THAT WAS REALLY STUPID.

It's a hard concept to grasp You have to focus on YOU and not worry about them.

So in standing you ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE A LIFE AND NOT FOCUS ON THEM.