[Trustandlove]

Hi, all,

While I've been musing on this, I decided this was something that also could have its own thread.  It is of course part of my own story, but it may apply more widely.   And yes, I am using this to try to work through and identify my own feelings. 

I've been thinking about this, reading HB's post to Still, where she says (slightly edited):

You are only trapped if you ALLOW yourself to be, Still.

God instructs different things at different times, even if it goes against our very natures....I have been COLD toward my husband before for a period of time, and it got results.  I wasn't comfortable with it, but it was necessary as he was treating me badly, AND taking advantage of me.

People will treat us as we allow them to; sometimes stronger measures are needed.

When one thing doesn't work, try another; try anything and everything(as long as it's NOT wrong) to see what will work and what won't work.

As long as you allow yourself to be trapped in fear, etc.  the situation will remain the same; and there will be NO movement within.

If you don't like a situation, take steps to change it; trying anything and everything; something will always work, and let God be your guide in this, as He knows the right thing to do at the right time.

So, thinking about my own situation, am I "watching and waiting", or am I allowing something I shouldn't be?

I am not experiencing Monster, I'm just being ignored -- or something.  Or is this even something I need to worry about?  I'm not even sure if this is in the category of letting myself be treated improperly or disrespectfully. 

Just little things such as him not telling me that he has made arrangements to do something with D on Saturday.  I know he's trying to see her on "her" time, trouble is, I still need to know so that I can plan the rest of my time.  Is he just assuming that D will tell me, and that she will tell him if I say that it isn't convenient? 

Or am I just miffed that he doesn't see us as a couple?  Very likely. 

What do I even want?  (Besides the end result).  How to define what I want so that I can tell him? 

That is the biggest question, I think. 

I also get confused because in order to say something I need to initiate contact, and I am supposed to be dark. 

I always feel like he is trying to slip one in under the wire. 

I also don't want to be constantly picking up on every little thing; that makes me come across as a harpy and criticising.  And controlling. 

Thoughts? 

[hyperglad]

Hi T&L

I am a big one for respect...treat others as you would like to be treated yourself.

now our MLC'rs don't always get this, but i have still insisted on respect, because i have high self respect and it is something i have stuck to throughout this cr**, not always having the desired result for our relationship (me insisting he moved out when i once again discovered he had been with ow) but it made me feel that i was doing something right for me.

As HB said people will treat us how we allow them to. I would text your H re arrangements with D, be polite and say, could you just inform me of what arrangements you have made so I can plan accordingly. I have found texts invaluable throughout this (before it took me ages to do one lol )

I'm sure you are hacked off at not being a couple (aren't we all ) , but he is being inconsiderate by not consulting over d so i don't think it is too much to ask to be kept in the loop.

[Trustandlove]

good point, HG; this is the kind of thing that needs to be dealt with quickly, otherwise several things happen -- one, it sets a precedent, and two, more importantly, it makes us stew and worry and spin round and round. 

I remember my worry book saying that often there wasn't one 'perfect' solution, that you just had to lay out the options and pick one, and then go with it.  now it was talking about things less severe than mlc, but these situations can often be broken down into little bits (eating that elephant)

By asking politely for information I guess I head off being snippy later -- and that's what would likely happen if I let the resentment build. 

[tinydancer]

T&L, what is the title and author of your worry book?  I have seen you refer to this book several times and I am curious.  My whole life I have been a severe worrier.  Probably because my Mom was sick my whole life and I was always worried something would happen to her and I would be left with my alcoholic father.

[Trustandlove]

It's "Overcoming Worry", by Mark Freeston and Kevin Meares.  I've found it very helpful -- but like with all these things, you really have to sit down and do the written exercises -- there aren't any shortcuts.  It does take time, but is effective. 

[Purple stain]

T&L, I agree with hyperglad. Not to compare it too much but when I'm unable to take of our doggie due to school or work on a night that I usually do, I just send a friendly text to my age asking him if he has the time to do it but saying that if he can't then I'll make other arrangements. So he has the option. I'd just ask your H in a friendly manner to pls let you know when he is meeting with D. That way you don't ask for any specifics and you get the info needed. When they are ready, they share more with us.