[Stillpraying]

"It’s important to have boundaries and know what they are. It’s important to share those boundaries with the people you have relationship with. For example, if I get sick when someone smokes a cigarette in my presence or I find it unpleasant, it would be important for me to communicate that fact to him or her. I can’t control whether or not they respect my boundary, but if they choose to smoke, I can choose to leave their presence. That is being a good steward of me, not trying to control them."  Lesie Vernick.

This may put some more clarity around boundaries for those who are seeking more info.  I have copied the article and provided a link below.

It is Christian based but if that concerns you...please read on anyway.  I think this really summarises it well:

http://www.leslievernick.com/2013/12/23/more-clarity-on-boundaries-and-consequences/

What is a boundary? Think of a fence around your house, with a gate or two that you can open or close or lock if you need to. This fence creates awareness of where something begins and ends. It helps my neighbour and me know what house I need to clean and what house he or she needs to clean, what lawn I need to mow and what lawn he or she needs to mow. In a pinch we may help each other out, but our property lines are clear. If my neighbour just walked into my house and helped himself to whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted and that bothered me but I never said anything, I would be guilty of not having good boundaries.

Personal boundaries help us clarify things, such as what we are responsible for and what are not responsible for. If my neighbour disrespected my feelings or my fence and walked into my house, I may have to set a firmer boundary such as putting a lock on my gate or a deadbolt on my door.

Boundaries help protect us. For example, our body has a fence around it called our skin. We have only a few openings, our nose, mouth, eyes, ears, and private parts. Our body is ours to maintain (unless we are an infant or incapable) and nourish. Our body is separate from other people’s bodies. If we are healthy, we ought to be responsible about what goes in to our body and what we do with our body.

It’s amazing how God has wired our body to be self-protective when things try to invade our body. When I put my contacts in if there is the tiniest hair or piece of dust still lingering on the lens my eye knows it and blinks, keeping the contact out. In the same way that my eye rejects the contact lens because it contains something harmful, our body often warns us that we are in danger or something toxic (physical or emotional) is happening around us. Our muscles get tense, our heart pounds, our skin crawls, we throw up. These are God’s internal warning bells for you. Something’s wrong. Pay attention.

Why are Boundaries Necessary in Relationships? When Christians talk about having personal boundaries in relationships, they are sometimes accused of being selfish or uncaring or putting up walls. They’re told that they are self-protective or self-sufficient or not trusting God. That’s not true.

Personal boundaries are necessary so that we take responsibility for ourselves and exercise good stewardship over our body, our time, our energy, our talents and our money. We are not God – with unlimited resources, omniscience, and omnipresence. We are finite, limited, fallible human beings. God knows that. He made us that way. We need not feel ashamed by our limitations.

For example, would you give someone unlimited access to your ATM card? Of course not. Why? Because your funds are limited and if he or she empties your account to meet his or her own needs, wants, or foolish financial choices, then what? You won’t be able to be responsible for your own financial obligations. Therefore you keep your ATM card in your wallet and your password a secret. That is a boundary – a fence around your ATM card and bank account. You may choose to be generous or even sacrificial for a friend in need, but you decide how much.

If your friend is reckless and foolish with his spending, you are not responsible to bail him out of his own messes. His messes are meant to help him learn to take responsibility for himself. However, if he told you that you were selfish or self-protective or not trusting God because you had a boundary around your ATM card, I hope you would realize he is talking nonsense. He is trying to manipulate you into having no personal boundary when you know you must say no or not now, or not as much as he wants.

In the same way when you have a fence around your time or your energy or body because you are trying to be a good steward of these things, don’t feel guilty because you aren’t able to do everything that the people in your life want or ask or need. Even Jesus accepted his limitations as a human being and disappointed people because he didn’t always do what they wanted.

Boundaries in relationships help us take ownership: One of the biggest problems in maintaining healthy relationships is the lack of ownership. We don’t take ownership of our own feelings. We are not authentic. Instead we placate, please, pretend or pass off responsibility saying things like “It’s your fault I feel so mad.”

We also don’t typically own our own wrong-doing and confess it. Instead we blame-shift, minimize, rationalize, lie and make excuses. And we don’t want to own our own limitations. Instead we over-function and end up feeling like victims (telling ourselves that we had no choice) or resentful martyrs (because we said yes when we wanted to say no).

Having a clear understanding of our boundaries changes that. Boundaries help us own OUR feelings, OUR thoughts, OUR needs, OUR desires, OUR beliefs, values, and attitudes, OUR behaviours, and OUR words. They are 100%, ours. Our boundaries help clarify what we have to work on (ourselves), and that we are not responsible to manage the thoughts, feelings, values, words, or behaviours or another adult person anymore than we are responsible to manage what they put into their mouth to eat.

Knowing our boundaries helps us communicate with people more clearly. I feel ________. I was wrong for ___________, please forgive me. No, I can’t do that for you. Please stop screaming at me, I feel scared. People may not always like our feelings, thoughts, values or limitations but if we want a healthy relationship with someone, they must be respectful of them. The Bible tells us, “Let your yes be yes and your no be no.” (James 5:12) Mixed messages happen and negative feelings build up when we say yes when we wanted to say no.

Two unhealthy relationship patterns that become destructive have to do with lack of good personal boundaries. The first is where one person in the relationship refuses to take ownership for their own thoughts, feelings, words, attitudes or actions. Instead they are always blaming their partner or making excuses. They believe everyone else is responsible for how they feel or act. That is not true but when you live this way you and your relationship is incapable of changing or healing.

The second relationship pattern that becomes toxic is where one person assumes responsibility for the thoughts, feelings, attitudes, and actions of another person – somehow thinking that it is their responsibility to fix or change him or her. When you work harder at managing someone else’s life and you are not being a good steward of your own, you are not healthy.

In summary: It’s important to have boundaries and know what they are. It’s important to share those boundaries with the people you have relationship with. For example, if I get sick when someone smokes a cigarette in my presence or I find it unpleasant, it would be important for me to communicate that fact to him or her. I can’t control whether or not they respect my boundary, but if they choose to smoke, I can choose to leave their presence. That is being a good steward of me, not trying to control them.

In the same way if I’m becoming weak or sick or harmed (emotionally, mentally, physically, financially, or spiritually) because of someone else’s negative behaviour, I can ask them to stop or to change but I cannot control their behaviour or change them. However, what I can and must do is to take care of me including removing myself from his or her presence if necessary.

That brings me to consequences. Consequences are part of God’s plan to help people learn to take responsibility, to be good stewards of our lives. Paul wrote, “Whatever a man sows, he reaps.” (Galatians 6:7) This farming metaphor made it crystal clear to the people in biblical times that if you didn’t take ownership of what seeds you planted you shouldn’t expect to reap good crops.

God told the Israelites “Because you have forgotten me and cast me behind your back, you yourself must bear the consequences of your lewdness and whoring.” (Ezekiel 23;35).

Negative consequences result from not taking ownership of your finances, your health, your feelings, your mind, and your part of relationship maintenance and repair. When we over-compensate for someone’s irresponsibility or sin and remove or mitigate the negative consequences we are enabling someone to stay deceived and shirk responsibility. They will continue to believe the lie that they do not have to take responsibility for their own choices. That’s not good for them, for you, or for the relationship.

[in it]

Negative consequences result from not taking ownership of your finances, your health, your feelings, your mind, and your part of relationship maintenance and repair. When we over-compensate for someone’s irresponsibility or sin and remove or mitigate the negative consequences we are enabling someone to stay deceived and shirk responsibility. They will continue to believe the lie that they do not have to take responsibility for their own choices. That’s not good for them, for you, or for the relationship.

I am passed caring about a relationship with the former MLCER. I have quite a few trust issues in regards to all of this.

Now I'm at a point where I do not trust my own kids to have some kind of relationship with. They have been with him too long and that's their choice in the matter. I'm now concerned what his twisted logic is about the whole situation and what he brainwashes them to believe.

They know the TRUTH about everything in regards to me. And my boundaries right now with them are pretty much the same they are with him- STAY AWAY.

I'm a whole different person than I was 9 months ago. Especially when it comes to being a mother to them. These girls are 17 and 21 and I'm tired of people handing me excuses for them.

In order for them to grow up they need to learn what respect really is in regards to me.

All I wanted from the oldest one was an apology for her behavior due to former Mlcer and the youngest one? I had some Faith in but now that seems to be gone also. After her disrespectful behavior I informed her she was "on her own".

[Stillpraying]

I think what the author is trying to explain here (and I think she does it very well) is that boundaries are for US and NOT to control others. 

eg/. Boundaries are not to force the other person 'stop smoking'.  The boundary is to remove ourselves from the 'smoker and the smoke' thereby keeping ourself safe.

Many of us here are 'fixers' and we often fall into the trap of thinking that setting a boundary will make the other person want to change (fix).  We need to put the focus on us (and off the MLCer) and do what is best for us with each situation.  Sticking to a boundary can also be hard when the other person reacts.  So having support is also a good idea.  Someone who knows and supports what you are doing.

[in it]

I think the author did an excellent job!!

In my case in order to become adults they have to apologize IF they want to be a part of my life. This is the condition. My friends all agree that this is not an outrageous expectation. Considering the disrespect I've been shown.

I tried. I reached out to the youngest one and got my head bitten off for no real reason.

The older one? She knows what she did wrong also and she has to realize she cannot allow herself to be lead around by another person in order to make them happy.

The longer they wait the worse it gets...for them.

[StillStanding]

In my case in order to become adults they have to apologize IF they want to be a part of my life. This is the condition. My friends all agree that this is not an outrageous expectation. Considering the disrespect I've been shown.

I tried. I reached out to the youngest one and got my head bitten off for no real reason.

The older one? She knows what she did wrong also and she has to realize she cannot allow herself to be lead around by another person in order to make them happy.

The longer they wait the worse it gets...for them.

"In order to become adults"? "She has to realize"? "The worse it gets for them"? That's not about boundaries, that's all controlling behavior: you're trying to punish them for how they've treated you.

I understand that you have been hurt by your family, but you don't get to decide when someone else is an adult, or determine what they "need" to realize. And boundaries don't have escalating punishment. To use the analogy from the original article, you're not using a fence to clarify what is yours, you're hiding behind a barricade and lobbing stuff over the top.

Your boundary should be straightforward: if they can't treat you with respect then you will have nothing to do with them. All of that other stuff just causes resentment to build up.

[in it]

Well then I interpretate  them showing respect for me by apologizing.

That opens the door back up for them.

It's NOT controlling behavior- It is simply how I FEEL. If they wait and wait and think this get's better with time it doesn't.

Damage control doesn't happen after you wait MONTHS or YEARS to stick your head in the sand without dealing with something.

Sorry- but if I hurt someones feelings and I can see it or if they express it -I apologize for doing it.

And I'm lobbing stuff over the top because I can't trust ANY of them to do the right thing right now.

Your boundary should be straightforward: if they can't treat you with respect then you will have nothing to do with them. All of that other stuff just causes resentment to build up.

Again here's the apology they both need to make - or I have nothing to do with them.