I continue to appreciate all the responses to this thread . It is so valuable to me. I continue to respond and read...
So perhaps looking at what specifically about each situation had made you angry may help you begin the process of understanding how you could begin to reduce your anger.
For example - your mother's treatment of you has been IMHO shocking but you know that her withholding affection or support hasn't changed since your childhood.
So what is it exactly about her withholding affection and support that makes you angry?
Is it out of frustration because you have tried so many times to get her to understand why you need her support?
In essence is she likely to change?
Do you know deep down inside of you that this is banging head on brick wall time with her?
Can you recognise that you are feeling frustrated at feeling frustrated with her?
My mother was born in a small coal mining village and was 1 of 16 children . She was somewhere in the middle. The goal of families was to simply survive. She talks of times she went to school and there was a new baby in the crib and when she came home the baby was gone. There was no talk period. The baby must have died. She says this happened at the very least twice. She stopped school in grade 8 to work in a shoe factory. There was no way that my mother had the attention, affection or was modelled anything emotional or tender. It just was not available to her. She is tough, hard working and has an extreme longing to be outdoors …like she grew up. She is utterly void of affection, emotional support or conversation and really she is all about “get on with it “. I understand this more in the recent years than I was ever before . As my therapist says “she cannot give what she does not have”. I rarely “trigger” over anything about my mother anymore so I hope this means it has been dealt with and resolved. I do know I am far more susceptible to emotional reactions when I NEED something from her. I needed support and just some acknowledgment of hurt after my friend died. My mother ? Not available whatsoever. It hurt but I atleast knew not to pursue this .
Is she the recipient of a letter or several (which you won't send) but you will write and rewrite and condense into one or two sentences? These are just examples of beginning the process of letting go.
I did start a letter with the help of my therapist . I have yet to finish it as I simply no longer felt the extreme rejection or invalidation from her . It just seemed to fizzle. I do still intend to finish the letter and burn it.
Your anger sounds like a trauma related stress response. When feeling stressed, threatened or unsafe, Treasur feels fear, I dissociate (freeze), it sounds like you feel anger. Three different types of stress responses but they all serve the same purpose.
I have not read this before “ trauma related stress response” . We do react differently when under stress but having suffered a “trauma” makes it all even more intense and perhaps far more difficult to resolve. I do believe my husband may “ freeze” as he just has no response at times …to anything. And that just enrages me. The therapist says he “floods” and freezes as his stress response . Seems to set up pursuer/avoidance cycle. I will react with anger to any extreme emotion. I do know …most of it is fear under all of it.
You might find that your loved ones want to help you, they just don't know what to do or how to do it. Start with little things first and, as you learn who you can trust to help you, work up to the bigger things with them.
I believe many members of my family are so troubled by my hurt, anger and tears… they really try to avoid me becoming “emotional” . It has been hard on those around a traumatized family member. They just want to “not poke the bear” and keep things superficial. That’s what I have observed. I have a good support in my sister …but the hole left by my friend , since his death , is just indescribable. He was my PTSD support person trained by the hospital and he meant everything to me . He knew my entire story, knew me … his loss has had me stumble emotionally ..again.
What can you do to you find that feeling of being safe and protected?
I believe I never will again. Not to be overly dramatic , not victim-ish or a big ole coward. Just the nasty reality for me . It was that deep. I do not think I am the only one who feels this way. It will never be him again…if only he knew what he has lost. He will never have that gift from me. It is about learning providing that for myself…no matter what he ever does. I am still learning how.
people at large are not very willing to or competent at handling or witnessing another person’s vulnerability and deep sorrow.
This has been my experience ..even with family . I guess it may be true for me as well. It is hard
to be with someone in deep sorrow. Sad really.
The main thing is that the body does want to live and thrive and be cared for and
listened to. That can be done in touch and in silence. In my own state of stress or trauma, what I
usually most need is the safety to let down my guard and just watch the thoughts as they spring
forward and away. Your mileage may vary but I’ve found the massage table or mat to be an
almost holy place for that quiet review and, I want to say, quantifiable release.
Interesting. I have started and quit , then started and quit more massage , yoga , meditation classes than anyone I know. I do not know why I fail to stick to things. Another thing to work on . ugh. I need to truly commit to self care again and again . Thanks for your input Terra.
Because we do move through life sort of accidentally or haplessly wearing the labels that other people put on us, and you might find that when you are all to yourself, just you and free of other people’s perceptions, maybe in your deepest heart you are not a rageful person at all, and never actually were. It’s Right and reasonable for you to be angry and upset and hurt and scared about everything you’ve been through and are still going through and coping with. But maybe underneath all of that, you are truly a beautiful, loving, gentle, and lovely woman, who is simply in a terrible season and surrounded by loved and important people who are just not listening or being good to you.
I just love this !!. I really do. Lots to think about and consider in these words . I have been referred as “ a gentle sensitive poodle in disguise as a rabid pitbull”. There is some truth in that . My outside is not in harmony with who I am inside …or who I could be .
We need time for healing, as much as we would if these injuries were fully physical in form. So if you think a kind of quarantine is called for, just know that you do have a right to employ it. Period.
I long for quarantine more than anything else . It’s a good word. I have not done that for practical reasons …who I need to be
for so many other people . I am happiest alone but need to be careful not to isolate or become a recluse. There is a fine line there somewhere and I need to be aware of that . I am rather looking forward to the winter, to hibernate and be able to spend more time in selfcare etc. I do have a right to this and I know I need it.
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"Letting Go Of Stuff "