[Not Applicable]

It has to do with a MLCers 'feelings'. I read they feel nothing, numb inside. So they reach out externally to find what is within, such as happiness, healing their inner child, empathy etc.

Then I read that once they start searching within to answsers of internal issues, they will then begin to heal.

My question is this. If a MLer has no feelings, how will they being to search inside to finally heal when nothing is there in the first place? Or does the 'fog' cover these feelings? The feelings for the OP have to be completely gone? How did your feelings come back? What was your 'awakening' like?

My husband told me recently he has no feelings for anyone, and he has said that in the past, that he loves neither me nor OW. But then a few days later when he was completely baffled why i might be upset about the situation, I said to him, "When your feelings return, you will cry too." To which he replied, "I hope my feelings never return because I will wish I was dead." He even early on admitted to me that he had loving feelings for me but he couldn't show them to me, as if to go through his MLC he had to suppress them. I would describe what I see as him taking his feelings, whatever they may be, good or bad, and locking them away in a cabinet, but the feelings are still knocking on the doors of the cabinet from inside and he is hearing that, even if he can't see the feelings clearly. He knows they are there but he is trying to keep them from coming out.

How they eventually get out again, I have yet to see that.

[Not Applicable]

And two final questions: We always hear how the MLCer projects onto the LBS. But did you ever project onto the OM? My husband has been a bit more explicit with me about what is going on than the average MLCer and I see in him the same thoughts you had. It's almost like you are a window into his mind for me and I really appreciate it. Like you, my husband considers his neglect of our relationship temporary, and he even told me that up front. Sometimes he is very self-aware of the way a relationship will play out and admits that he will get bored of the OW eventually and other times he tells me, "don't worry, she won't want to have anything to do with me eventually." I'm just wondering if the latter is him projecting on to her what he really feels himself about her. Or perhaps it is just what he hopes will happen because it will facilitate his return to me?

I'm also struggling with the fact that my husband gets annoyed by what he perceives as me "doubting" that it is temporary, because he told me up front and he feels like I don't believe him. He keeps repeating this. I do believe him, but all the advice says drop the rope and that is the only way he is going to come back. I am detaching from his antics and doing what I can to prevent him from engaging in them with me but I am unsure about totally dropping the rope and acting as if I am actually moving on because he HAS told me explicitly this is temporary and I do understand his rationale for being distant now, even if I don't agree with it. I know that rationale will go away with time. Yes, everyone will say I am in denial in saying this but there is a specific rationale that WILL go away. Of that I am 100% certain. I also know it is important for him to fully resolve his MLC that I do allow him to get away with being distant until that rationale disappears. I know it might be hard for you to speak about my situation, but how did your sense of the temporary nature of your behavior interact with your spouse's reactions? As it is a bit different from many MLC cases where the MLCer truly believes they are done with their spouse.

[Trustandlove]

Sorry you are hurting Christina. It will get better. Your question is actually very simple. He cant stand to be around you, home, or the kids very long because it causes him extreme hurt and guilt. They do this when they cycle. They try to fight off the feelings of guilt, and shame so they run and remain hidden for days, weeks, and even months. Eventually the desire to see his family is greater than his guilt and shame so he comes to see you. After a short period of time there those strong feelings to leave overwhelm him so he does.

Yes, this is very hurtful and incredibly frustrating. I did it to my H, I didn't want to give him any hope so I quickly left when I visited his apartment. My H did it to me too, sometimes he would make excuses and lies to not pick up our son from the house, and even drop him at the door but not come in like he was banned.

Hi,

I wanted to go back to add to this -- just to say that my H has articulated the guilt that he feels; he has also stated explicitly that he doesn't want to come round or do anything that might give the "wrong idea" -- i.e. that he might come back. 

This has been in cycles -- in between OWs he has been around a lot, then he runs again.  I'm never sure if it's the guilt, or the addiction to the infatuation feelings that an OW brings. 

In between OWs he doesn't seem to have any problem spending a lot of time with us. 

He doesn't seem to associate the guilt with the "not wanting to give the wrong idea", however.  That makes sense to me, however I'm not sure if he's made that connection. 

So I'm not sure when his need to see the family overrides his feelings of guilt....   

Thank you for continuing to write this down for us, den.  It really is useful.

[Thunder]

Trust,

Mine did the same thing.  For 5 months he walked around me like I would burn his skin if he touched me.

It finally got to him and we had intimate relations.  I knew he felt overwhelmed by it, I said nothing and we fell asleep (in the same bed, if you can imagine )
All of a sudden he woke up and almost FLEW down the stairs to his basement.
"
The next morning he was back but afterwards he said.."I don't want to give you the wrong impression."
I said  "About what...oh you feel I will be encouraged that you do want to be with me?"
He said.."Yes, I guess so."

I didn't say much just reassured him I wasn't thinking like that (Liar).  I told him it was just about sex.  He seemed relieved and agree..yes, it's just about sex.  But he never left my bed again.   

But I could see the panic that he was afraid all the ground work he had done to gain his freedom was going backwards.   
I think it's very typical for MLCer's to not be TOO nice to you.  You'll get the wrong idea.

[dogwalker]

Thanks Thunder
I really needed to read and  can understand that last line of yours it what I am seeing
from W this week.

DW

[Christina13]

I went through that for months. The cycle of sleeping with me then running. Now he claims we weren't together all year. Could the connection to ow be so strong he will divorce me and lie about us for her.

  He was ready to be here more when it was broken up for a day or two.
But now he won't come in the door.

[Thunder]

Denjef, would you please start a new thread?  Thank you.

[heroIam]

But I could see the panic that he was afraid all the ground work he had done to gain his freedom was going backwards.   
I think it's very typical for MLCer's to not be TOO nice to you.  You'll get the wrong idea.

Thunder, this is interesting.  I wonder if my H's distance over the last year has been due to exactly what you said. 

[UnbrokenLioness]

Hi, den... I'm pretty new to the forum and hope you could give me some insight.

BD was on 1/21/2017... ILYBINILWY, about an hour after he had kissed me and told me he loved me before he went to work. Said he is filing for divorce and wants to take our D 6 1/2 and S 5 1/2 with him when he leaves.

I really don't talk to him unless it is about the kids or he has something general to say. He has nc with me otherwise,  which I bounce back and forth between being ok with and missing his texts and him talking to me.

H told my mil that I don't have to leave and that there is nobody else but I get the feeling there is. He is also leaving for a few day trip out of state mid March.

Is he hoping I will hold on while he is going through this? He did tell me that it was him and not me. I'm lost.

Thank you for any insight you can give.

[denjef31]

Time to close this thread. New one started if you need it

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8656.0