[After the speech/bomb drop, did your MLC'er continue to be affectionate?]

After the speech/bomb drop, did your MLC'er continue to be affectionate?

No

10 (32.3%)

Rarely

5 (16.1%)

Occasionally

5 (16.1%)

Regularly

7 (22.6%)

Every time we are in contact

4 (12.9%)

Total Members Voted: 31

Voting closed: July 19, 2010, 04:14:29 PM

[In this for ME]

No he hasn't really been..I did a quick hug with him in october and he held me until I pulled away but he hasn't ever initated and affection at all.

[Still]

With your husband's progress of late, I am wondering if any affection has returned, or if he has discussed it at all with you.

Unhappypup,

He has actually gone back in the tunnel again. Even when he was more talkative and kind over the holidays, there was zero affection. He NEVER gets anywhere near me. If he wants to hug the kids and they are near me, he calls them over. He hasn't discussed any of his feelings in a very long time. Actually, he is back to barely speaking to me.

[xyzcf]

Sorry Still.It must be so hard to ahve him there and to have him not even speaking to you. What a confused mesaage we get from them. Sending a hug from me since we don't get any from our H's do we? At least my dog loves to give me affection!

[Still]

Thank you, XYZ. I'll take all the hugs I can get....virtual or otherwise.

I am so glad that my children are affectionate. That really does help.

[UNHAPPYPUP]

Still:  I am so sorry to hear that.

No affection on this front here either.  Two weeks ago he was stone cold to me - sooo frustrating. I did nothing to deserve that!  I really didn't!  I have been patient and quiet...and maybe too quiet. 

He gave me half a hug on New Year's Eve only because we had company over and they and the kids were watching, and you'd think he was a five year old hugging a smelly old aunt with bad teeth who hadn't showered in a year...the cheek pinching type!

He would come home and say hello to the kids and pretend like I wasn't even there.  I was soo pissed after a few days I couldn't stand it. My feelings really get hurt over this stuff.  I don't want this to be an example to my kids of what a marriage should be like!

I finally blew at him with a "sh&^ or get off the pot" kinda attitude - I'm not taking this disrespect anymore.  He gets really annoyed when I say he disrespects me, but honestly...the EA...the cold shoulder...what else can I call it?  That's how I see it, so I called him on it.

Honestly - his EA was sooo obvious. He couldn't sleep at night - the guilt was eating him up.  The VOLUME of phone calls, texts, hidden IM accounts, etc...  was overwhelming.  He broke it off and "tried to love me" but went right back to her three months after.  I can tell you why his business was poor last year - he was totally in fantasy land.  He got mad that I tried to cut it out of our lives, so pretty much I told him he was welcome to "communicate" with his "very good "friend" all he wants, he just can't be married to me at the same time.  I can't have three people in my marriage, and I didn't invite her in, so... that's my boundary.

I am usually meek...gotta say. I surprised myself.

He chose the legal separation route.  I asked him (second time in a month or two) then to get on with it and set me free if that's how he really feels.  He has to own his behavior, or own the responsibility of separating, but no more limbo within my home.  He said he would. 

After that blow-out of sorts I asked him "what's up with the hostility"?  He said "I don't know... like you said..this "isn't you" and this "isn't me"."

ok....

Well, two weeks have gone by and no attorney calls were made (except by me for my own protection) and now he is trying harder to be peaceful and make conversation with me.     I think he almost almost almost hugged me good by this morning but I stepped back to avoid the awkwardness right now, but he did say good-by which is a step in the right direction (sad to say). I can't sweep his behavior under the rug as he woud like.  If our marriage is going to continue we need to examine things on the table, be open, honest, less co-dependent and live freely giving to each other instead of dependent and nicely faking things.  That just can't be anymore....it just can't be - in my own situation. I need emotional honesty, and if it takes tough love on both of our parts, then so be it.

So..no affection, but a little more respect...maybe...

(HUGS to everyone!)

[Still]

Unhappypup,

I really know that feeling of not even being in the room. My H does that ALL THE TIME. I am completely invisible. He is so different than he once was. He went from being the most polite, considerate man.....to this disrespectful, rude individual that only resembles him.

My H has said several times he does NOT want to save our marriage or work on it. He is done. Yet, he still stays here.....treating me coldly each and every day. I haven't even tried to talk about our relationship. Every few months he reminds me that he wants out.....  He does seem to be moving in that direction now. He is working on a rental to move into. I also think he just opened his own checking account. We have had joint accounts for over 20 years.

My H doesn't even try to fake affection in front of others. He just keeps his distance everywhere we go. None of our friends have supported him in his decision and he really feels that. Oddly, it doesn't stop him from going places they are attending.

It is such craziness!

[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

My H quit showing me any emotional closeness or physical affection shortly after BD and months afterward.  I was used to him touching me in some way about every day, and it hurt me terribly that he stopped doing that.  I live quite far away from the hometown my family and most friends are in.  So one day after unintentionally breaking down at work, this nice co-worker of mine said she was going to give me a hug every day.  And she did.
Still does too, nearly every day out of the work week.  I look at it as God sending me a hug, and being a spouse to me in a time when my spouse didn't want to be who he was supposed to be.  And then there are the kind people at my church who noticed my H did not come with me anymore and without them having all of the details (I'm sure they can figure out at least a little bit of what's up with us), they have begun to give me hugs too.
These trials are really the only way we can learn about the kindness of those around us.

[WarriorPriestess]

Ooohhhh this hurts. 

My H stopped one month before BD in April 2010, right after a male artist friend came to visit from out of town.  I think H decided he wanted to be just like this friend- a single self-absorbed player type.  He would physically pull away from me if I tried to embrace or kiss him, so I quickly stopped.

Since his mother died in December he seems to have dropped the active replay and flinching away from me so much.  He became withdrawn but slowly warmed up more and more to me.  Now we are "friendly"  as in he will initiate a hug goodbye but he only uses one arm while the other one hangs limply at his side.  Other than that no physical affection, although he will give me shoulder rubs while we are watching TV if I ask for it. 

What I wouldn't give for a full body hug and big kiss right now.  Wow, I can't believe it's been a year and half. 

[ladybird]

No affection here whatsoever.  It is like I have cooties.

I have asked my H for a hug a couple of times.  Once when I was hurting badly and feeling abandoned and alone, I asked for a hug and he did give me a rather warm and gentle hug that seemed like he was receptive to the idea.  I have tiptoed around the idea ever since and the next time I asked (insisted really) on a hug was on the night of our 20th anniversary right before he left for a week long trip to see the OW and his family.  That night he gave me a stiff hug and was obviously not into it and wanted to leave.  Kind of like a cat that is squirming in your arms!  I wish that I had asked for a hug on the day before which was the day that he had me served with divorce papers.  I had gone to see him to get money for bills and we were both crying and I could see a glimpse of my old H where there still is a little place in his heart for me....   

[NewBeginnings]

My H wasn't really affectionate a good year before BD but definitely 7 months before BD because thats when his PA affair started, I think.  He wouldn't even hold my hand.  He would pull away and said he wasn't the hand holding type of guy.  He used to hold my hand.   

NB