[Albatross]

The Five Stages of Relationship

Stage 1- Infatuation

The beginning of a relationship is a time of euphoria and intoxication. Life looks brighter and the infatuated feel exhilarated and giddy with possibility. Anything seems doable. Our senses intensify and we feel swell about ourselves and life. New lovers become preoccupied with the courtship of their new romance. Their bodies surge with testosterone, dopamine and endorphins. Sexual energy, laughter, playfulness flow abundantly. A sense of well-being warms the heart. Hollywood romantic films do a pretty good job depicting infatuated couples.

In this stage couples establish their connection. They emphasize their similarities and ignore differences. There is a good deal of fantasy and projection about the future with the new partner. Couples play house. To make room for the new love, couples often withdraw from some of their other relationships at least temporarily.

The infatuation stage generally spans a period from two months to two years. Although infatuation inevitably fades over time, this stage is an essential building block of the relationship.

Stage 2- Power Struggle

The fantasy has evaporated and the euphoria is gone. It is time for a reality check. Light dawns on Marblehead. All of your partner’s flaws now seem glaringly obvious and downright annoying. The differences that you denied overshadow your similarities and thoughts of incompatibility begin to haunt you. You feel disillusioned and concerned that you have chosen the wrong partner. Turf battles about major and minor issues are common. Each of you wants the other to change while you remain the same. Welcome to the stage marked by ambivalent feelings about your partner that you will deal with either through conflict resolution or withdrawal from the relationship.

In the infatuation stage you were joined at the hip. Now you want more freedom and fear losing your individuality. You begin to set limits and dig in your heels. Couples often seek counseling during their struggle for power when they cannot resolve their differences. Some couples get stuck and divorce in this stage. Those that make it through this necessary stage move on to a healthy relationship in which they are free, whole and connected.

Stage 3- Reflection and Re-evaluation

The power struggle subsides and the relative calm after the storm sets in. Stage 3 is a resting time. You recognize that you’re not going to change your partner to fit your specifications and you might be disappointed at the outcome of the power struggle. You reflect and reevaluate your situation. Some couples distance themselves from one another or create parallel lives in which independence trumps real intimacy and the frequency of sex is diminished. This alienation carries a risk of entering a relationship “dead zone” in which partners become bored with one another and/or their life in general.  Some partners will become overly involved in work or a hobby.

Stage 4- Transformation and Commitment

After the stage 3 period of introspection and emotional distance, many couples feel the urge to re-merge, and start to build a bridge and reconnect.  In stage 4, you feel a renewed desire for belonging and connection. Both you and your partner understand the influence of past experiences (i.e. family, friends, past relationships, culture). You start to see the real person without the distortion or projection of earlier stages. What you see is what you got. You recognize each others strengths and accept the deficits.

You choose intentionally to be together with eyes wide open, no longer blinded by infatuation or threatened by power struggles or emotional distance. There is a return of romantic warmth in the relationship.  Couples often marry when they’ve comfortably reached this stage.

Stage 5- Acceptance and Reconciliation

In this stage the couple becomes a team. Each partner is capable of standing on his or her own feet while being loving, supportive and nurturing to a partner. Warmth, peace and mutual respect mark this stage. The couple has learned to resolve conflicts when they arise and has little energy for competition or resentment. They’ve struck a healthy balance between their individual freedom and the safety of their deep connection.They have forged a healthy relationship in which they are free, whole, and connected.

[Albatross]

Withdrawing projection

1. Stage
In the first stage, we are convinced that what we are unconsciously projecting is true of the other. When we fall in love, for example, we are certain the other (about whom we almost never really know anything) is the most extraordinary being on the face of the planet. We are projecting the desirable and desired qualities of the inner Other (the soul) and/or the desirable qualities of someone from our past.

2. Stage
In stage two, we become increasingly and shockingly aware of the discrepancy between who we thought the other was (and was supposed to be) and who they are turning out to be. We become certain there must be something wrong with the other and we attempt to control them, change them, fix them. Now we are projecting onto the other the negative qualities of the inner Other and/or the person from our past.

3. Stage
The third stage requires us, for the first time, to really look at the other, to see more clearly who they are, and to begin to ask what is actually going on in our relationship.

4. Stage
In stage four, we withdraw the projections by recognizing that we were in fact projecting, that what we thought was the outer Other was actually, in part, the inner and/or the person from our past.

5. Stage
And, finally, in stage five, through our inner work, we come to see exactly what it was in us we were projecting in the first place, and why.