[unbroken]

I have started to wonder if there is any correlation between the length of time the person is in crisis and the likelihood of their permanent return. 

[HeartsBlessing]

Does a person really spend 3 1/2 years struggling only to end it permanently?  It would seem to me that the struggle is because they really want the R despite how confused they are.  I would hope that the longer they are around, the more likely a permanent return will be.  But is there evidence to support that?

It IS possible to spend that amount of time struggling; and just decide to walk away; it's happened before to people...the struggle not only includes the issues they face; but at certain times, the DAMAGE they've done is shown to them; and for some, it's too much to face; it's a lack of strength; on their part; and because of that, they take the easy way out.

It takes MORE strength to face what you've done, than it does to run; I would have to give credit to the MLC'ers who choose to return and face the music; regardless of what the LBS dishes out to them; because THEY were the ones who started all of it; NOT the LBS...and facing themselves is part of the consequences they suffer for ripping apart a family because of their actions.

I couldn't  tell you anything more on that, except  from my point of view...one of the most confusing things about the crisis is the fact that the person going through is the one who makes the decision to return permanently; it really makes no difference what the LBS wants or doesn't want.

There were issues my husband had to face; and even as he faced those in spits and spurts, the wanting to run away was always there until he made a permanent decision to recommit to the marriage...but that was on HIM; you would like to think the changes I made for myself had something to do with that outcome; but in all honesty, they DIDN'T influence him that much, except to force him to change his way of relating to me and  these same changes, put fear in him that he was going to lose me; and he didn't want that.

He ADMITTED at the time he recommitted to the marriage that he'd faced the decision to just walk away and never come back, three times; but the third; he had to look beyond that decision; to see a life without me; and he said he couldn't stand the thought; and still wanted to be married IF I would have him.

But, that was because, he STILL had feelings for me; even though it didn't look like it at the time we were going through his MLC.  And though he tried to get out of facing what he'd done; he had to do it anyway; I told him that if we didn't face the past, we would not have a future together...and I meant it.

It really does come down to what THEY want in regards to deciding on keeping their marriage or not, it is one of the major decisions they make while in crisis; and some will return; only to find that the LBS won't allow them to put behind what happened; they make them face IT...and they should.

I was presented with that during his crisis; and though he never left home; except on his job; I stood against allowing him to just leave it all behind...and I figured, more than once; that he'd go on and leave; because it would be much easier to 'start over' with someone else; than to continue with the one who'd been there all that time.

I think they KNOW changes must be made; but which kind and what kind; they really don't know...they only know they are going through something that is very painful and confusing to them...and they must decide for themselves what they will do or won't do.

Now, it IS possible, the longer they stay around, the more likely they may go on and accept the LBS, changes and all;  changing within themselves, settling down; and building a much stronger marriage than before.

But, really, you have NO control over what they will do; or when they will do it....this is the uncertainty that actually can prompt the LBS to go on, file and get it over with; because this takes SO long.  And it is so uncertain.

RCR may have something that supports what you're asking; but it is such a crap shoot that you never know WHAT will happen....

On the other hand; and I'm aware you probably know about this; but my husband set aside an issue; trying NOT to face it; and it caught up with him after his exit from the tunnel; putting both of us through an additional time in a different type of emotional crisis; but it was related to the first; because he didn't face ALL his issues the first time.

He came out TOO quickly..his initial crisis was three years; and that wasn't long enough; but I didn't know at that time.

He had returned permanently; and wasn't going anywhere; so I had more freedom in that secondary time to get after him; than I had had during the first round....he did eventually settle that final issue; and has come out changed; much like he'd started to in his initial settling down process; only this time; he's going forward with no additional problems.  There's nothing else for him to fight, now.

There were NO guarantees in that secondary crisis, either; no guarantees that he would even come out; I mean I could have been dealing with him getting stuck; and thank God it didn't happen that way.

That could have been a real possibility for him; and somewhere deep within me, I knew this; having gone through this before; I was afraid that he'd get stuck; and if he had; there was NOTHING I could have done for him....I'd already let him go once again; set boundaries that didn't halfway work; but these were for me; and I prayed without ceasing; and put my fear AND him into the hands of the Lord.....this was all I could do.

In time, God brought him down by allowing him to break his ankle; and become completely helpless for a period of time...THIS was what made him really do some thinking; and it was the catalyst for his permanent exit.

I had already done what I was supposed to do; so all that was left was continuing to put to use the tools/lessons I had learned.

This all may sound hopeless; but there is always hope as long as you still love him; and are willing to stand for your marriage.

[Still]

After a crisis beginning nearly 3 years ago and an H who has never left our home, I was given divorce papers this morning. I, too, felt that the longer he remained, the more likely he would be to stay. I may be anomaly, but that is what I am facing.

[StandandDeliver]

I don't know about a correlation. It seems that there are those who make rash decisions to leave and dramatically alter their lives (high energy?) and when the madness calms down they eventually realise what they have done and may wish to turn the clock back - but often times because their behaviour was so shocking and abrupt the LBS had no choice but to move on, so they no longer have that option to return. And there are those who do the same and never come back.

Similarly, there are MLCer's who hang about vacilliating between home and leaving, but seeming unable to decide what they want. They keep the LBS hanging on and monitor her reactions to everything and may ultimately decide to stay. On the other hand, without the opportunity to truly "lose" what they had, they may not have the reality check that the more instant abandoners eventually have and so they may make your life miserable for years and then still leave.

I would never try to predict the outcome. My MLCer jumped ship in such an unbelievable panic and rush, that I do think that he is going to have a rough time when the dust settles, when OW loses her new shinyness and his new life becomes more mundane - and that mundanity doesn't even include the kids in it on a daily basis anymore. Does that mean he will come back to me? Who knows? Will I want him back if he does? Who knows? At the moment I am dark because I don't want to have anything to do with him - interactions always make me feel crap - ill I always feel this way? I don't know what I will be thinking/wanting in a year, so there is no way of knowing about him, that is for sure.