Tyks .. I am glad you decided to post this email. I know it sure hurt to read it and for that I am sorry. When you read it to me yesterday my stomach actually reacted and anxiety set in ..and really, I just ache for all the unfairness and hurt this MLC causes to so many of us .
I need to understand this universal feeling these men ( maybe the women too) seem to have .."unappreciated ". Or as your husband says "under appreciated". My husband chanted to same , over and over again. NOT prior to BD by the way , but his said lament after he came back. To say I had no tolerance for that is the biggest understatement of the universe . You DARE to have an affair , abandonment this family , injure my children and come back here whining and sniveling about all of YOUR hurt ? . Regardless, I digress into the black whole and that is not where I do my best thinking.
We talked about this ...you and I , the unappreciated statement. Apparrently it has to do with their highest need " make you wife happy". We can scoff but I have read 100's of articles on the needs of men or husbands and this is always at the top. To feel appreciated and that they can make their wives happy. Hmmm.. say I . My husband was an extreme workaholic . I worked ft and had 5 kids ... and an absent husband , partner, helpmate etc. He was bust making millions to show "how much he loved me and did everything for his family " . I did NOT feel his love this way. The biggest pay check would never (NEVER) make me feel loving feelings towards him. I was angry, lonely, exhausted, resentfull ......FAR from "happy" with the heavy burden of doing "it all" . That's how it felt. I shamefully remember ripping a paycheck in half ...telling him that's how little his money meant to me . I needed help , I needed support ...I needed a man and a husband. I hated my life at times ...maybe even hated him. So I would imagine he absolutely felt unappreciated for all his efforts . HE NEVER SAID THAT . So, it would have required my "pretending " to be happy and appreciate his 150 hour a week job etc etc. I was not happy and I did not appreciated living alone and fatherless children . I do not know what the resolution would have been ...but it certainly was not an affair . ( I know there is far more that that to it ) . Like I have read over and over again...these men never spoke out loud about anything. Nothing can be resolved under these conditions ...so it adds to their own internal unhappiness of stuffing it all down.
My husband also has said many many times that every single thing he did was for me and the girls . 100 % . He has said this in counselling repeatedly . And yet , to him he was doing "everything right " and still had an unhappy wife . I am told it is utterly devastating to a man to not be able to make his wife "happy". So I guess you can add that into the mix of his FOO issues, aging, hormone changes, etc etc ....this "perfect" storm stuff.
Regardless ... how they handle this "unhappiness " is absolutely selfish and cruel and they have blocked you from changing things, discussions, comprimises because you have no idea that they feel like they feel... The "blame" lies directly on the MLC shoulders as he did not try to talk and solve ...he chose to run and hide. Perhaps that is what he is angry about ...acting like a coward .
He still loves you ? That is a curious statement . None of his actions make you feel loved . He is still a runner ...very mixed up superficial runner. A silent quitter . That is just sad for everyone . He has not done the "work" , so this relationship he has now will repeat all the same issues and likely he will be on his own again in the future. Not your problem .
New thread:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10504.0
Anyone else have a vanisher? 19
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