[subooru]

Hello:

The distancing is so hard to accept, and is so much the same with my H.  Each time I would ask him how he felt about me (I no longer do this), he would say "I don't know, or I don't love you or I don't know what love is".  When I would ask about if he wanted to to remain married or work on building a new, better relationship, he would say "I can't see that".  I was always confused with that answer.  Maybe you can't "see" it, but do you want it? He could never answer that question.

I realize he doesn't have the ability to "see" it, and does not know what he wants.  They are numb.  I really see and feel that my H is lost.  I do experience flashes of insight from him, and I think they are aware (at times) of their levels of confusion.  It's just such a huge gear shift for them, it is as shocking to them (I believe) as it is to us.  I think that everyone has different reasons for how they approach the confusion that is directly correlated to how they approach conflict and stress in general.  M H just prefers to avoid conflict at any cost, he would rather retreat to a cave.  Honestly, he said that to me once.  It just seems to feel like it will be easier if they don't have to "deal" with anyone.  Does my H want to be a hermit?  Sometimes I think he does.  Overall, I think he just wants to get rid of the pain and isn't ready or able to do the work that is necessary to resolve the pain.  He will have to at some point. That is the struggle of MLC.  Accepting the pain, and doing the work to come out on the other side.  Avoidance isn't working for them anymore (even if it did for many years).  They can't understand why all the previous "tools" they used to avoid issues don't work anymore.  They don't want to look for new tools, or they are too scared or too confused. 

My H is and has been conflict avoidant (I also think many men are by nature, less tolerant of emotional issues and challenges).  He refers to feeling like I am a tsunami when I have attempted to try and understand what he is dealing with.  He has even less tolerance for any emotional issues/conversation.  This seems to be true for most MLCer's.

The emotional distance (as best as I can tell) is a safety thing.  They are confused, scared and not understanding all the changes happening and it is easier to project that confusion onto the LBS.  So, if the LBS is the reason for all the upheaval, then distancing from them will be the cure.

Not so, but they don't know that.  I read in Jed Diamond's book on Irritable Male Syndrome that many men experience what is like a "emotional sunburn".  They are in a lot of pain, but you can't always see it.  The LBS attempts to connect to the man and he flinches in pain and withdraws to avoid more pain.  Until their "sunburns" heal and they have their new "skin", they will retreat from that which makes them feel sunburned.  In other words, they retreat from us because they think we are "burning" them with our care, concern, love and attention.  It's nuts, that's for sure, but MLC is a monster depression, and it really challenges the best in anyone.

I just keep believing that this isn't permanent (as HB and Stayed and many others have said).  I know that some get stuck, and I also see that this crisis can last many years.  RCR was dealing with this for over 4 years, I believe.  I guess I see it as their second adolescence.  It's just hard to deal with a 49 year old teenager (in my case).

Progress does happen.  I will share some of what I am experiencing on my new thread.  I just don't have time right now to do it here. 

[Purple stain]

Wow, thanks Sub! Just what I've been thining about tonight. My h has also been a conflict avoider and never let me in, truly be part of his life. Thanks for sharing!

[HeartsBlessing]

. I was told not to 'pressure' him with crying and making demands for his presence and in his words 'to act like an adult', which I interpreted as not being emotional in his presence.

That's because they are NOT able to handle the emotions of the LBS; not in the state of mind they are in.   Any show of emotion, puts pressure on them; because they see the expectations of the LBS for something they cannot give; and it causes them to run farther away.

My husband pushed me for what I couldn't give him at that time; and I turned on him; he didn't understand; but he had done the SAME thing when I was on the receiving end...that wasn't why I did it; there was so much emptiness within me; and I was having a hard time with the fact that the feelings I had once had for him were gone; and even I didn't understand where they had gone; they were just GONE.

There is always a tearing down; before a rebuilding; and this is true of every MLC'er whose gone through a crisis; or one who has gone through a transition.

There is disintegration, before there's reintegration.

It's all part of the growing process; and it's confusing; even when you know why it's happening; yet, all I had learned before, actually fled my memory, and my mind.

Just like all who'd gone before, I was even torn down and rebuilt from scratch in an emotional way.

The person who came out of the fire of the transition; was different from the person who'd experienced her husband's MLC; and there was more added to me in the way of emotional strength; and the strengthening of the lessons learned.

But, I had allowed the process to work on me; that much I knew/remembered; the more quickly I faced the issues/aspects; the faster I would come through...but I had so many to look at, plus I went through Menopause first; it took me a long time to come through.

My feelings returned; in time, but they were/are much different; much easier to handle; as I had learned that love was patient, kind, at times, sacrificial; unconditional; steadfast, and at times, tough to enforce my boundaries.

One other aspect of mine; and this might have a bearing on the discussion; I not only experienced an emotional shutdown; very early in the transition, but I ALSO experienced a total shutdown of every GIFT I carried within myself; and I KNEW when these were "cut off" for lack of a better word.

I grieved for what seemed to be losses; I felt so empty...and ALL seemed to have gone for what I initially thought was forever.

The Lord explained that in the emotional/mental state I was in; I could NOT handle one thing more than myself for the time that I would be in the transition.

It seemed the hardest gift to do without was my Empathy; I was completely "alone" for the first time in my life; there was no emotional overtones that I normally would have experienced in my dealings, comings and goings with people... I could feel NOTHING from anyone; and I resorted to body language and guess work....

The gifts reopened in the 5th year of my transition; right along with my feelings; and I could feel a difference.  My feelings for my husband, and other people, returned, first; and when I adjusted, the gifts I had carried before the transition; began to return; one at a time; and once I adjusted, another returned, then the process repeated; taking over a year to complete; and I found a few things added; but each original gift was strengthened; stronger than before...and I could handle these things again.

I experienced broken and faded memories afterward; and if my husband had done what he was supposed to have done to begin with; I would still be in that state, even now...but it didn't happen that way. 

I know the aspects of my transition were somewhat different; but the "emptying" out of everything; leaving an empty shell to be refilled at a later time; that I experienced, may be a helpful experience to all of you within this discussion.