I'm on a long distance road trip and I bought two of the titles recommended on this thread with me as audiobooks: After the Affair by Janis Spring and For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn. I've finished both and wanted to share my thoughts.
Both books were very worthwhile. After the Affair was quite good. Spring's a therapist and she doesn't sugarcoat the daunting challenges facing a couple trying to decide whether to save a marriage after infidelity and then, if they do decide to try, what to expect.
Although MLC is never mentioned, the advice Spring gives would certainly be applicable to an LBS & MLC trying to reconcile. I've read that "piecing" together a relationship after MLC is as big, if not a bigger, challenge as surviving the MLC itself.
Spring's description certainly verifies that claim. Frankly, I found it depressing. I've had this fantasy that, if H & I ever do reconcile, it will be sweetness and light (well, not really, but compared to what I'm going through now it seems like it would be!) This book starkly lays out the emotional, psychological, social and physical (i.e. sexual) issues that face the couple trying to recover from infidelity.
She pulls no punches and lays it out in graphic detail. She's pretty neutral in her presentation of infidelity, she seems to have no agenda one way or the other about whether people should try to reconcile but she does seem to have a bias that trying to salvage a marriage after infidelity can be successful and well worth doing.
It gave me a lot to think about, mostly "do I really want my marriage to be reconciled if this is what's ahead?" Not pleasant, but instructive. I highly recommend it.
The second book For Women Only was outstanding. I've read a lot of relationship books in the 3 months since BD and this is in my top 3. Again, MLC is never mentioned. What Feldhahn is trying to do is let women in on the "secrets" (i.e. unexpressed but deeply felt) beliefs/thoughts/desires/concerns of men.
It's based on solid research and polling data and I learned a lot I didn't know. I feel I understand my H so much more than I did before reading this. I know that sounds grandiose but I really was amazed by some of the things her work revealed.
There were places as I was listening when tears were in my eyes because I saw, for the first time, things from my H's point of view. It gave me much more empathy for him. This is an important book for any woman who wants to have a deeper understanding of her husband and her marriage, the kind of understanding that can help you change your relationship for the better.
The book made me sad though, very sad. I wished I'd read it when we first were married (a long time ago!) or 10 or 5 years ago. (I'm not sure, however, if I would have been open to what the book was saying.) It made me feel that maybe what's happened (H's affair, our separation) could have been softened or even avoided. Wishful thinking probably since MLC seems to hit whether the marriage is solid or not yet this book will make you think very hard about your husband. Feldhahn also has a companion book for men about women. Enjoy!
M 58
H 60
D 21
M 37 years
BD Jan., 2011
H left immediately after BD to live
with OW with whom he's been have
2 year affair
Standing
M 40 yrs.
BD 1/11
Began living with OW 1/11
Divorce final 8/13
Ex married OW 6/15
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change; the courage to change the one I can; and the wisdom to know it's me.
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Book Recommendations