[TrustingMyHP]

I wanted to add my reaction to this book.  I just finished it today.  As most have posted here, it's a riveting read and a must for any LBSer's library.

The dual nature of the story's presentation is its greatest strength.  The MLC husband gives his description of a situation, then the LBS wife gives hers.  It's quite detailed and the MLCer's journey is classic MLC "script", i.e. unresolved childhood issues, affair down OW, unmet needs and inability to express them to wife, growing unexamined resentments, MLCer's habitual lying, etc.  Wow! 

The couple who wrote it, Jay and Julie Kent-Ferraro have done a serious service to the entire LBS and MLC "community"!  It's quite self-revealing, especially on Jay Ferraro's part.  Brave of him to put it all out there.  I think this book could help a lot of people. 

Wish I could give it to my H but it's waaaaaay too early for that.  But maybe someday.  The similarities between Jay Ferraro's attitudes, actions and beliefs while he was in MLC, and my own H's recent and current behavior and attitudes, is spooky.

The only thing that I was a bit puzzled by was the rapidity of their reconciliation.  I think its just a little over a year from the time he leaves until they're divorced and then, quite quickly, remarry.  However, his affair had been going on for some time before BD.

I strongly urge everyone to read it.  I predict you'll be glad you did.

TMHP

M  58
H  60
D  22
M  38 yrs.
BD  Jan., '11
H living with OW since BD

[LettingGo]

I just finished for the second time, and am convinced Dr. Jay made an early return once JULIE stopped pursuing him!! She pursued A LOT!! I believe that she became OW to OW and as he was falling in love with her after their divorce, he was still in MLC... may still be in some aspects of it.

His relationship with OW overlapped, even as he fell in love with Julie and moved in with her... he was still adamant that "marriage was not for him" and he admits he fantasized that he and OW would be able to "work things out" and have a future together..... in the next breath, he is going on and on about how much he loves and admires Julie and how happy he is to be home with his family and how Julie is his future... if this doesn't scream MLC thinking, I don't know what does, LOL!!

When Julie confronted him about OW, he told her to back off and stop being so controlling.... MLC. When he and Julie remarried, he was still involved with OW - for friendship, he says.... but OW harassed them and had him thrown in jail when they got back from their honeymoon.... the relationship with OW overlapped his NEW relationship with Julie by almost a year....he was still nuts.

I also notice that in his praise of Julie, it was all about how SHE changed from the awful person she had been.... no taking responsibility for his part in it until the very end of the book, and I believe that was facilitated by his therapy and workshops.... he was still very narcissistic, but I surmise his background as a therapist caused him to seek help and to take the advice he was given in therapy.... if the counselors told him he was behaving in a narcissistic way, he would give a lot of weight to what they were saying, being a therapist himself.

I still saw that Julie both pursued for a long time, and in some areas, she dropped the rope. The area where she was attached had to do with the infidelity, and they don't address the craziness of Dr. Jay's thinking... it was accepted that he was disillusioned by "life" and feeling "unfulfilled"... well, cry me a river, LOL!! They also had the money to fly here and there, buy more wedding rings, etc.

If you are brave enough to follow my thread, you know I am really into this book... but I think it is only the tip of the iceberg of this story... they have made it solely about infidelity, and what circumstances create the vulnerability in a marriage for cheating. Judging by his other avowed behaviors, I believe he was in MLC for sure, and may still be. The distraction of the book fame and their website may keep him from the deep end... and may have given him his new purpose in life, which MLCers are searching for.

That being said... he does come to a lot of realizations about his own brokenness and that of his OW right at the end... and of how it was unfair to blame Julie for his unmet needs.... she was reacting to his "walls" against intimacy with her own withdrawal.... that is the fatal mistake of EVERY couple... withdrawing when there is a problem...

[xyzcf]

I haven't finished it yet but he seemed to have started very early in the marriage on chasing another, pornography etc.. he seemed to be at that for a long time.....although it sure does sound like MLC.

[limitless]

I'm on 7 1/2 months of NC - no pursuit on either side.  I guess that means the love is dead and I should finalize the divorce.  I guess that's the answer I've been looking for.

Loveinstweakness,
I know that you are having a really hard time.  It must be really difficult NOT to hear anyting from your MLCer in so long....but this book, as noted, is NOT regarding MLCers.  So, the timeline means nothing.
The suggestions regarding self focus and non-pursuiing were the take aways that I found in this book.

LIW - I am sorry that you are having such a rough time.  No one can really know what is going on with your MLCer right now - but the lack of contact could mean many things.  It is a change and many times change can mean movement through the tunnel. 

I do not want to send false hope - because I, of course, don't know...but this lack of anything could be a time when he is deep, deep reflection (Depression/Withdrawal) and not communicating with ANYONE.

Only time will tell. 

I am sorry that you are so sad......

Limitless

[OldPilot]

I'm on 7 1/2 months of NC - no pursuit on either side.  I guess that means the love is dead and I should finalize the divorce.  I guess that's the answer I've been looking for.

Well they say for them to progress that they must think that the marriage is dead.
So maybe this is a good thing.

[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

One thing I did was created a reconciliation contract. I did it long before Sweetheart was ready, but made him review it when moving home even though he did not follow it.

Has anybody else done this?  Created a reconciliation contract?  My H is out of monster, not threatening to leave anymore but is still not himself.  I do not want to spring one on him, but I would like to have something for the future because H is only in MLC month 7, and that makes me think monster will be back and H may actually move out of our home when monster reappears.  I hate to think so negatively, but I also hate to be unrealistic.

[TrustingMyHP]

I have thought about writing a reconciliation contract.  Although it's going to be years before I could ever use it, if then!

But I thought it would be a good mental and emotional exercise for me at this time, as a way to focus myself and make myself think hard about what I want for my future and what I want to be focusing on if/when my H would want to create a new marriage (for I understand, now, that the old one is truly over.)

RCR, would you be willing to share all or part of what you had in your contract?  I understand that might not be something you want to do, but maybe the general concepts?

TMHP

[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

The Moon And Sixpence by Somerset Maughm.  Man just up and leaves, wife sends another man to go find him to get him back.

[Musica]

The Revenge of the Middle Aged Woman by Elizabeth Buchan. I enjoyed reading this book and it was before BD ... but after the first symptoms of MLC ... it was a good story and an interesting plot.

[Anjae]

I enjoy reading but have not looked for books about MLC. Watched some movies that approach the subject but let my readings go elsewhere.