Skip to main content

Author Topic: Discussion Book Recommendations

S
  • *
  • MLCer Type: Off-N-On
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1148
  • Gender: Female
Discussion Re: Book Recommendations
#170: November 01, 2011, 03:30:13 AM
hey ziggee, the way i see it is this - the MLC is not our fault, but it has traumatic repurcussions for us which we can learn and grow from and part of the way that we do that is a choice. If we just allow our emotional reactions to rule, or we do not use them as a tool for reflecting then we may still change, but it may not be a direction of growth that is good for us.

Ever meet one of those divorced people who is STILL bitter about the way they were treated 10-15 years ago? I think that this is the point. What happened to them CHANGED them, but they also got stuck in reactions and habits relating to an event in their life - they have gone on to let that event DEFINE who they are.

So working on us is partly about learning to accept what happened to our lives and being able to see at as something that happened to us in our past - it is part of our history. As LBS's whether we are back with our spouses in 10 years or living on our own, or with someone new, it is imperative that we learn to direct the process of change in ourselves so that we live life in a way where we choose how we interact with our past, other people (including our MLCers) and even ourselves.
  • Logged
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good


Nina Simone

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 931
  • Gender: Male
  • Meow!!!
Re: Book Recommendations
#171: November 01, 2011, 04:28:28 PM
I guess that is the point... its not about me... so why do I need to make adjustments?  While as I said before.. I may still be in the denial phase... why can't I just keep doing what I am doing... why do I have to go do something I would not normally do?  I half get what you are saying... but quite frankly... I liked the duality of our life... her need to get out.. did that half the time... and my need to just hang and read a book... did that half the time... Now I read books.. read what people say here... get out a little less... but that has more to do with I am both husband and wife at the same time... Really... I have a been thinking about taking off for a week... but quite frankly... I am afraid to leave... because who is going to make dinner?  I need to get away... but I can not... :/  Every time I plan to get out.. I can't there would be no one home... I guess I am not pushing against you... but it seems odd... if we did nothing wrong... why are we changing something?

Oh well...
  • Logged
One never feels alone when one is wearing squeaky shoes.

Really sorry about the spelling grammar and typing...
dyslexics  of the world untie

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2139
  • Gender: Male
Re: Book Recommendations
#172: November 01, 2011, 04:34:31 PM
if we did nothing wrong... why are we changing something?

Just because we did nothing to cause their MLC does not mean that there aren't other issues in the marriage that we can address.

And we are going through a crisis as much as our MLCers are, only we're more aware of it. One of the things we can do to help us recover is to not live in the same old patterns we were in before the BD, that remind us of everything that we're missing.
  • Logged
Me: 45, Her: 40. Married 16 1/2 years, together(-ish) 20.
Status: BD 8/25/09, she moved out 8/28/10. No talk of D.

Every day is another chance to get it right.
http://www.vachss.com/mission/behavior.html

"Counting days won't buy us years" —Wings by HAERTS
"Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past."  —Lily Tomlin
"When we commit to our lovers, we implicitly promise to forgive them. There is no other way we can live with someone for better or worse or until death do us part." —Dr. Frederic Luskin

B
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2227
  • Gender: Female
Re: Book Recommendations
#173: November 03, 2011, 08:13:54 AM
Ziggee,
I was just reading your posts and I smiled because I remember saying, or asking, the same things you have quite some time ago.  The questions I had were the same as yours and they were...

If this is his problem, why do I have to change?
I was happy, I was a good spouse, why do I need to work on things?
And so on...

I have to tell you, this stuff drove me nuts.  I was resentful quite frankly.  I hadn't caused this issue, I hadn't done anything to deserve the way I was treated...but I had to change?

The funny thing is, I DID change.  In some ways, for worse.  At least as of right now.  But in more ways, for the better.  It wasn't something I wanted to do, or even felt I needed to do but it just sort of happened.  I know for some people self reflection as an LBS is essential but for others, it's almost an insult...at least that is how I felt.  But it happened to me anyway.  There are changes I don't like.  I don't have that naivete that I once had that was actually, pretty glorious.  I am more cynical.  But I am also stronger.  I am more of myself and not just one part of a marriage.  I'm not sure I wanted it to be that way but that's what happened and what is good about that is that I know I won't die without him.  I actually thought I would at one point.

I don't mean to imply these are your thoughts..they are mine...but what I think we have in common is that sort of irritant when hearing about having to change when we didn't do anything wrong and didn't necessarily want to change...all I'm saying is, your not alone in feeling this way.

Hope that helps.
Bon
  • Logged
"I have been studying the traits and dispositions of the "lower animals" (so called) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result humiliating to me."
Mark Twain

S
  • *
  • MLCer Type: Off-N-On
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1148
  • Gender: Female
Re: Book Recommendations
#174: November 03, 2011, 11:09:14 AM
ziggee, noone is saying that you have to change everything about yourself. My guess is that most of us have some minor adjustments we need to make, some tweaking here and there. Or one or two areas of our personalities that need some more significant work. But we are not the ones in crisis and we did not wreck our marriages because we had some flaws. But that also does not mean that any marriage problems that existed (regardless of MLC) had nothing to do with us either! So we can work on ourselves because no-one is perfect and it is good for us to always strive to be better people, without accepting blame for the MLC!

For instance, just when I think that I am moving on, anger wells up in me. What is wrong with that, why shouldn't I be angry? The answer is that I should. But the answer is also that I don't want to always be an angry person, I don't want my anger to define me. So I work on ways to move on from it, to let it out or let it pass. I try to let it go. It would be easier to hang on to - it is a very powerful and intense emotion. But I don't want to be an angry person.

It is the same with the trust issues I now have. I accept that I may never blindly trust again and maybe that is good, but I also don't want to never be able to have a meaningful bond with someone again because I have lost all ability to trust. You see what I mean?
  • Logged
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good


Nina Simone

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 931
  • Gender: Male
  • Meow!!!
Re: Book Recommendations
#175: November 03, 2011, 02:42:25 PM
Bonbon,

I agree completely... I have changed BIG time.  I am closer to my kids then I could ever be.  I have realized things about myself that I never could have in a million years... and a lot of those things I actually discovered in here.  I have found that there are things I will now "accept" I would have never dreamed of accepting... here I am standing... 1 year ago... I would have said... no way I would put up with that crap.

anyway... I get it... feeling same as yours... I was arguing with my self that day... will probably argue with myself in front of everyone again soon...

Me
  • Logged
One never feels alone when one is wearing squeaky shoes.

Really sorry about the spelling grammar and typing...
dyslexics  of the world untie

B
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2227
  • Gender: Female
Re: Book Recommendations
#176: November 04, 2011, 06:21:12 AM
Ziggee,
Your "inner-arguer" serves you well so don't worry about it!  LOL!
We all do that.  I still bristle at the thought of having to work on myself.  I don't at all mean to be arrogant...I have at least one million faults...but again, I maintain that I was a good wife and we had a good marriage...not perfect...but pretty good.  The fact that my H flipped out over turning 45 and whatever else was/is bothering him had nothing to do with me and in fact, he will be the first to tell you that as he has told me many times.  I'm sure alot of people here would say the same thing about their own relationships too.

I will tell you this too:  Whatever work I did on myself was out of necessity to survive this thing myself and try to keep my marriage together...it was never out of some inner deepness that I had and again, some of the changes to me may be good in the long run, like, taking off the rose colored glasses about my husband, but with that said, I think if my husband realizes how I've changed now, or when he does, he will regret those changes much more than I ever will. 

Before, were he dangling from a cliff, if it meant losing my own life I would save him, no question I would have.  Now, not so sure about that.  Time will tell I guess.  And that's too bad because I think he had a really good thing with me being 100% devoted and pretty selfless when it came to him.  I guess he still has that since I've "stood" but not in the same way...not with the 100% it was before.

At any rate, I think it's good to question what you've questioned.  Part of saying to yourself that no, you did not need to change is just as productive for yourself as some of those changes that ARE made...that sounds convoluted but what I mean is that in this nightmare, there is a part of one's self that should be held on to....I call that standards, self respect and so on.  In the beginning of this madness, I told myself and told my husband I would do anything, anything at all to make him feel the way about me he had prior to all this.  About a year after that, I turned that all around and that is when I told him if there were issues in our marriage he wanted to work on together, great, let's get on with it.  But that if he wanted me to change simply because he thought I should be more this or less that, then go to hell...NOT going to happen.  I like myself, warts and all.
So that's why I think it's good that you question why any of us should have to change...

You feel that you have changed because you hadn't envisioned yourself standing...that may change too and you say, no, I will stand for this but I won't stand for that...its all a process.

I'm delighted you are closer to your kids.  Excellent.  My faith has deepened immeasurably and I'm positive about that change in myself for sure.
Hope I've made sense.  Whew...didn't realize I was going to write so much!
  • Logged
« Last Edit: November 04, 2011, 06:25:23 AM by BonBon »
"I have been studying the traits and dispositions of the "lower animals" (so called) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result humiliating to me."
Mark Twain

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 931
  • Gender: Male
  • Meow!!!
Re: Book Recommendations
#177: November 04, 2011, 08:48:40 AM
Bonbon...

Thank you very for all that... I hear you on what you will stand for now and what you might stand for later.  I do sit here and scratch my head because I know one thing is for certain.  I do not want to spend the rest of my life with out a partner.  Quite frankly I need a hug from time to time and while kids hugs are great... because they are so honest.  Which even reminds me... my wife used to give the best most honest heart felt hugs.  I guess while I sit here... it is just one more proof that she is confused about the mlc script statements about the past 22 years married and 25 years together.  I know I have gone back a looked at photographs from the last 5 years and I make photo books every year for chirstmas and I look at those and know she was not "faking" it to please others.

Thanks... that was almost a pep talk :)

Me
  • Logged
One never feels alone when one is wearing squeaky shoes.

Really sorry about the spelling grammar and typing...
dyslexics  of the world untie

B
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2227
  • Gender: Female
Re: Book Recommendations
#178: November 04, 2011, 12:00:03 PM
Ziggee,
I'll have to go and catch up your thread...sorry I haven't done that yet.  Between my recent vacation, a raging head cold and a few other things, I've only caught up with folks on this forum here and there...

At any rate, it is hard to live without those hugs.  One day at a time my friend....you will be just fine in the long haul.

Bon
  • Logged
"I have been studying the traits and dispositions of the "lower animals" (so called) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result humiliating to me."
Mark Twain

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 931
  • Gender: Male
  • Meow!!!
Re: Book Recommendations
#179: November 04, 2011, 04:57:33 PM
Ziggee,
I'll have to go and catch up your thread...sorry I haven't done that yet.  Between my recent vacation, a raging head cold and a few other things, I've only caught up with folks on this forum here and there...

At any rate, it is hard to live without those hugs.  One day at a time my friend....you will be just fine in the long haul.

Bon

Bonbon.... no need to read the thread... read the MLC script... it would be a big fat ditto... on the down cycle waiting for the up :/

  • Logged
One never feels alone when one is wearing squeaky shoes.

Really sorry about the spelling grammar and typing...
dyslexics  of the world untie

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.