[bluerose]

Snuff 2

[nah]

This is a quote from Nas from the previous thread...  I wanted to respond but we needed to start a new thread.

This isn't the situation with my H, but for those of you where your H became a vanisher because of pressure from an insecure OW, I often think that even though you can't see it, the resentment must build and build over the years.  The more the MLCer is forced to give up to appease the OW, the more I'm certain that at some point, they will grow to resent the OW and blame her for how they feel.


At some point, they have to realize that what they did was supremely sh*tty and cowardly and then they feel guilt and shame and they can't reconcile those feelings because they vanished and now they can't talk to the LBS about it, so it just compounds and they have to keep trying to smother the knowledge that they're sh*tty cowards to keep it out of their mind.

When they felt like crap in the marriage, they blamed us.  When they continue to feel like sh*tty cowards for vanishing and causing way more damage than was necessary, who are they going to blame?  Not themselves.  Who made them vanish?  Who pressured them to do such a sh*tty, cowardly thing?

It might take a long time, but I really do believe in those cases, they will come to blame the OW and the resentment will cause the relationship to implode.


I believe this to be so true in many cases.  It's difficult for many LBSers of Vanishers b/c most just do not know what's going on.  Sure that's a good thing in some ways but also it can eat at us that they just danced off into the sunset and started a new awesome life.  Easy to imagine b/c of our shared history,... we did dance off and we did have a awesome life.  BUT... there was no guilt, there was no baggage, I didn't steal him from his real family... I would never do something like that.... what kind of person would?

An insecure piece of sh!t.... that's who.  They are messed up every single time.  I'm lucky enough to have space yet also have had many people approach me with stories of how pathetic the "girl" behaves,... how sick so many people are about how my ex-husband has "changed"....

The Leaver himself has leaked to me how his new life "makes him sick".... then he turned around and married her.... why?

He doesn't know what else to do.  He made his bed and he's too weak to fix it.  Yes, I do think the resentment will build to the point that it will explode.  I also think this is common for many of the vanishers. 

[Schratz66]

Attaching

[Yellowroseoftexas]

Along for the journey. 

I wonder if I'm a vanisher.  I don't give husband a chance to see or talk to me.  I've made 0% of an attempt for him to see me. 

But, HE can figure it out. Man up!!!!

•shameless plug• I'm trying to post again so please go over to my thread 😊

[Yellowroseoftexas]

Nah I think you have a great point.

What hurts the most is thinking I got all the hurt and pain and he has a wonderful life free of responsibility. 

I'm sure he's heard how good I look and how good I'm doing from mutual friends.  I hope this makes him think that the women he tried so hard to destroy not only survived but thrived.  OW had him convinced I was a weak, raging lunatic. 

I read somewhere that vanisher pay close attention to us, we don't realize it.  I pray that's true. 

[Nas]

Along for the journey. 

I wonder if I'm a vanisher.  I don't give husband a chance to see or talk to me.  I've made 0% of an attempt for him to see me. 

Very interesting.  Mine vanished a few months after I stopped contacting him completely after I was diagnosed with cancer.  He vanished, but did I vanish first?  Maybe in his perception, but he is the one who left me and started a whole new life.

My female cousin who had an MLC (I had a great conversation with her that is documented in one of my earliest threads) left her H, married OM, divorced that OM and then left the state with a second OM.  Her children were early 20s and teens at the time and they stopped talking to her...and she viewed it as them turning their back on her.

The perception of these folks is so messed up.

[Treasure]

Attaching x

[nah]

I read somewhere that vanisher pay close attention to us, we don't realize it.  I pray that's true.

I read that many years ago but thought, "oh no, not mine, he avoids me like the plague....not only does he not pay attention, he works very hard to pretend I don't exist"

How wrong I was....

Last year when we met several times for financial reasons... we had hours long lunches once a week for about six weeks.  Now we barely met between BD and divorce, and when we did it was all business.  I begged, pleaded, all that crap to meet weekly after BD, nope he wouldn't do that.... but now here we were chatting normally like nothing ever happened.

He knew who I was seeing, who I was no longer seeing, he knew places I had been, things about my work  ,...

He knew EVERYTHING about my boyfriend.... where he went to school, where he lived, who his friends were,... what he drove 

Finally I asked him if he was keeping a notebook and he stopped....

I was floored with all the things he knew,... this was about 3 1/2 years after BD and he knew every step I had made from week one.

Oh yes, they are watching...

So make sure you live big and loud, so you can savor the deliciousness of them eating their hearts out.

[Ro828]

I am one of those LBS who fight having thoughts that my X is living an awesome life with OW because of his vanishing act so I really appreciate your perspective Nah.

"The Leaver himself has leaked to me how his new life "makes him sick".... then he turned around and married her.... why?

He doesn't know what else to do.  He made his bed and he's too weak to fix it." 


I would like to know why also. How can they easily leave their wife but can't leave the OW.  My X didn't show weakness when he up and left me, bought a new house with her and basically built a different life.   It doesn't make sense. 

(I hope my X's new life "makes him sick" because the beauty he aligned himself with is riddled with issues.  If he couldn't deal with me who doesn't have a third of her issues what makes him believe he can deal with her.)

[stillbaffled]

Thanks, BR, for getting us started on this next thread. 

I wouldn't dream of missing it.