[Bewildered survivor]

I used to have so much anger after BD because I felt the OW stabbed me (the innocent wife) in the back and I felt like she was ripping apart one of my organs but I couldn't protect myself in any way. After she found out I knew about her, she kept manipulating my H to divorce me but in very subtle ways and my H was oblivious to her actions. I felt so helpless. I never hated another human being in my life. I had so much hatred towards her I wanted to cause her pain. I felt that all the pain she caused me, she deserves to feel one day.

I am glad I never contacted her while I was furious because she needs to be treated as nonexistent. The relationship with the OW will explode by itself one day but it takes time. Do not acknowledge her existence.

needinput

This is where i'm at now re OW.  I have not contacted her any way which i'm proud of.   What gets me through is that I have planned exactly what I will say to her- but not until i'm in a stronger position and their sick fantasy life is blown apart. It will feels so good then.  I dont plan to say anything nasty - in fact I would thank her and say i prayed for her as she is a broken person (that would get to her the most).  I refuse to engage in any games although sometimes I wonder if she thinks im scared. The only thing is protecting my kids from meeting her- that's why shes so angry.  What I can see is she is ruining it all for herself- by plastering and flaunting things on FB is not going to win her any points with his family or for his business reputation or anything else.  How humiliating for him?  At this point they are both trying their best to provoke me- he actually rang from her phone number from their holiday without withholding the number- almost like he wants me to contact her.

I hope your right and it does blow up in their faces- yes it takes time but I pray every day that today will be the day!

[Rising Phoenix]

I pray that also. The qualities are every day. H has managed to reduce his maintenance. I did the ultimate no no and rang him at work. He refused to take my call. I really want to send his mairemabace back and tell him where to shove it but unfortunately I need it. Xx

[Treasur]

The emotions re ow/om are understandable but tbh, I've always seen how much space ow has in my head as a measure of my own emotional health. Partly because I can't do anything about it and have never seen ow as the root cause of my then H's behaviour or free will. Partly because most ow like drama and 'lose' if we refuse to play, and actions speak louder than words. Mostly because I'm too fine a human to wallow in a disordered pile of poo. It serves me better to just say 'no, not my circus.'

[Rising Phoenix]

H has finally done his mediation but wants separate rooms. I have said no as takes longer and costs more. Too much of a coward to face me. Xx

[Rising Phoenix]

So I emailed because I can and I actually got a reply!
“I have stated all along I would love to see them but you told me they despise me and need to be left alone, which is what I did. You also said it has to be their  decision to see me but at no point have they asked. I am trying , although you don’t see it , to do things with as little argument as possible.

I would gladly see them but I am all too aware our differences seem to prevail which puts even more burden on them, you are all too quick to say I have ditched them, you couldn’t be further from the truth but we always seem to come to loggerheads and it becomes about us again, they would need their own time.
At no point have I got angry about them changing their name, to be honest that is up to them and who am I to dispute this.
Money has been a problem as I am now up to nearly £5000 in solicitors fees .

Please see it from my point I don’t know what to do about presents, whatever I try doesn’t seem to be the right thing even down to the cards being inappropriate or told the bank account I set up has a time limit.

I honestly don’t know what to do with regards to K and G as everything I do seems to be wrong and this is said with all sincerity. This is why I thought Mediation would help so we can't get embroiled in our own issues.

If the children do want to see me I would love to be there and you should not be doing this on your own but it has to be achievable and has to be about them not us.”


Well that was a surprise but also it doesn’t sound like him at all so I wonder if he actually replied or ow did. Any thoughts? Xx

[Rising Phoenix]

My reply, sorry it’s long.
Xx

At no point have I said I want to discuss us since you made your decision in August.  I may have in the past but I haven’t this time.  There is no us as you have made your decision. I didn’t say they needed to be left alone but they are hurting and it may take time for them to reply but yes they do feel you don’t want to see them and how are they supposed to contact you when they have no phone no for you. I wanted you to keep trying or just turn up somewhere where we were and go from there.
I know solicitor fees are high but I have asked you to speak to me to try and save fees as they are horrendous as are mine.
No I didn’t want this but it is what it is and I have accepted that.
All you had to say was I can’t do a present yet as money tight but will get something when I can and I would of explained that to them.
I didn’t want it to be this horrible. I don’t want to try and change your mind as futile. I just want happier kids.
I booked mediation to try to get things sorted but again you don’t want to even look at me and it’s costs an extra £48 a session and takes much longer. I really can’t afford that. I have had to buy a new cooker that is still sat in the dining room as now need new electric box apparently. I have had intermittent hot water since before Xmas as I need a new boiler and had to get a new washing machine. I buy reduced food most of the time. £48 as you know is a lot.
As for the differences I only see you not wanting to lay eyes on me or our kids and cut us dead. I know that is prob how it should be for me but breaks my heart for the kids. I don’t want arguments. How can I see your point of view when you won’t even speak to me. No your right I don’t see how things are for you but how can I with no response to anything.
All I wanted to do was speak to you and try salvage some form of normality. I was hoping save fees by coming to agreements and then just formalising via solicitors instead of how many emails between them. Only ones that benefit are the solicitors. Certainly not us.
I’m glad you feel you made the right decision as the last thing I would want is to be married to a man that I can’t give what he wants and would only make him miserable. Why would I want that for either of us. I do hope you are happy and I am sorry I couldn’t give you that. My focus is the kids and as I say to salvage something to make life easier for them.
Xmas and b Day was hard here and I was sincere when asked if you wanted to see them xmas day. As I thought perfect opportunity to build a bridge. The xmas cards did say an end date, honestly. We panicked a bit. G bought manga books off amazon and K’s  was on games. G writes stories in an app for people to read. If I could turn back the clock and have it as when you used to come round and spend time with them I would but I know that will never happen.
I feel at some point we need to see each other and talk. Clear the air and move forward positively. I understand if you don’t want to do that.  I will leave with you.

Thanks for replying. I do appreciate it.

[nah]

RP, how old are your kids?  Are they old enough to have a relationship with their father w/o communicating through you?

[Rising Phoenix]

Yes they are but they won’t as he hasn’t bothered with them and changed his tel no. S15 and d13. They won’t make first move as they have tried alot during last 3.5 yrs and he is either busy or ignored them and finally changed his no so they can’t evrn if they wanted to. They won’t email him as they don’t see why demoted as they call it to an email to their own father. Xx

[nah]

Well if he changed his number than they have a good point v

[Rising Phoenix]

My son once contacted via Xbox as he was online and his father immediately went off line and has since blocked the kids from being able to contact on Xbox or PS4 also or ow has as she is now apparently a gamer. H wants kids to chase him but they have in the past. If he was with ow he would ignore a call or text until she not about. Why? The kids do not see why they should have to resort to an email to once again be ignored.
I don’t know why I can’t just let go and ignore his no interest in his kids . I think it’s because of something a friend said. Her husband dropped dead at 45 and left her with an 18 mth old and 3 yr old. She said her kids have no choice in not seeing their father and their father did not choose to leave them and never see them again and yet here is a man  my h who chooses not see his or makes it difficult to see them. Who puts an awful ow before his children. Is his life that wonderful with her that he doesn’t need his kids. Xx