[Rising Phoenix]

Any thoughts on why he replied? Is it cuz I hit a nerve? If he wants to never have anything to do with me why reply? Or is it really a reply about kids. Thrown me. It is extremely rare I get any reply. I 3 replies to any emails in 10 mths xx

[Thunder]

Rising, just reading his reply it does sound like it is about the kids.

I hope somehow he can try to contact them, for their sake.

I'm not sure why it is important for you to face him and do this without Mediation.
I mean I get the money part but why not just email, or mail him what you would want or expect in a settlement and have him give you his response in an email or letter?

It would keep the emotions out of it and give you a starting point.
Also you could ask him to give the kids his phone number if he wants to talk or see them.  Let him decide.

[Treasur]

A simple first step does sound like suggesting he text the kids' his new phone number, assuming he has their numbers still? Step yourself away from having to fix or coordinate it. If he calls them or asks them to text him, he does. If he doesn't, it's just Mr Sadz word blah 

[nah]

I honestly think it’s as simple as they cycle as much as we do.

Sometimes I want to respond to him and sometimes I just don’t.


Plus RP, and this is just a guess....

My vanisher wanted to avoid and disappear... I think yours was forced

Yes, like the rest of them, yours is a coward BUT,... it seems to me yours was given an ultimatum, so he probably tosses and turns at night bc he WANTS both worlds.  Of course he will play victim and justify his actions. I don’t think you heard the last of him.

[Rising Phoenix]

Thanks everyone, I have asked him to give Kids tel no and emailed to do financials but I don’t think he is allowed to have any contact and I do wonder if avoiding me as it’s easier for him. He won’t give Kids no as ow wont like it as she has taken out a phone contract to monitor his every move. She has done this before so he secretly had an old phone he used to contact me and kids on. I don’t know how we can be at loggerheads and argue as not seen or spoken to him for 10  Mths!

I do think I’m still a threat to her from what I’ve been told of her fb quotes as if I wasn’t she wouldn’t need to bother. I came off fb and don’t do any social media. I was sick of it.

Getting a response has made me feel quite ill and tearful today. My head is banging. If he is happy see kids then fine but I can count on one hand how many times he has rung them in 3 yrs, I want him to face me to see me and look 👀 to his eyes and see what emotion if any is there and because while he doesn’t he keeps this image if me as the big bad wife. oh well we shall see. Xx

[Treasur]

Well, I guess that's his problem and choice - he contacts his kids or he doesn't right? But if he whines again, you can honestly say you've done what you can and it's up to him. Isn't it extraordinary how controlled some of these guys are by ow? I'd never have treated my H that way....having said that, maybe now I know he's a lying cheat...

[living with Hope]

To me it sounds like he is still the victim, blaming you , them and not looking inward.  I think you got a response because the kids must be some kind of nerve and he needed to project the self hatred away.

I have a vanisher that his OW is telling anyone who will listen how I am have poisoned the two kids against him.  My kids are young adults and decided on their own at their own timeline when to have gone no contact with him.  I have one child who sees him still and that child sees him for all the wrong reasons (milks his Father for money, is terrified his Father will kill himself if he doesn't see him ...)And we all tend to pay when that child spends time with his Father.  He becomes secretive and moody or he throws nonsense at us out of thin air or he slowly lets us hear the details and it ends up hurting our feelings somehow.

I would rather the kids at this point as much as i want them to have a Father. I want them to have a Father who is giving, kind and put his children first.  Not one that only sees when his OW is gone and he is alone. Not one who doesn't seem to take any interest in their lives and doesn't say things that are twisted truths that start issues within the family dynamic. 

He lost his connection to the last child when I stopped trying to keep the family unit together.  When I let the kids choose for themselves. 

[Rising Phoenix]

I agree lih
Although a polite email it was still my fault he doesn’t see them and the kids fault for not contacting him and that it is better to have s father that is interested in them . I need to let go of trying to be the fixer, as I think it was either nah or thunder said.

I wonder if I class email as a touch and go 😂😂 prob not.

I’ve decided I need replace my car and IM CHOOSING ONE FOR THE FIRST TIME,  MYSELF ON MY OWN THAT WILL BE MINE! YIPPEE
AND IT WILL BE BRIGHT RED! 😍😁👍

[nah]

I would call it an “anchor check”. Funny how they are all so similar that we have terms for their behaviors.  Kind of like when monkeys eat bugs off each other and we call it “grooming “. 

Congrats on the car, I bought my first car by myself when I was 48 yrs old.   

[living with Hope]

I have not had any contact with my vanisher in gosh...I have lost count.  I saw him from accross a giant hall in the fall and that is it in two plus years.  He has a relationship with one of 3 young adult kids. 

He is in a serious relationship and as far as I am aware the one child has refused to meet.  He wants that child to keep his interaction with him hidden and a secret. We are not divorced and we have no separation agreement.  I figured this OW would not stand for this as this one refuses to be hidden and wants her rightful place as the Queen bee.

But so far, nothing. He just stalls and wastes money so I stopped pursuing a year ago.

Well the latest news out of his camp is trickling out and the OW has waged a full out campaign to make him the victim and me the evil, pathetic woman who loves him and is waiting patiently for him to return.   I have turned his children against him and that I do it because I can't have him.

I don't care what she has to say as we don't run in the same circles. But now she is trying to friend my friends on social media and spreading these lies to them.    Some are not interested and some are amused.  But a few have listened to her out of curiousity and now they are questioning why I haven't "moved on" and seeing validity to her points.  When I push back put it on him also...why is he not divorcing me, why did he stall each time I tried to get an agreement, why does he not see his other two children and why does he see the one?  I was told to be realistic and how it looks to the outside world. grrrrr....

I don't know how to answer this questioning anymore.   I am not standing.  I loved him.  He didn't love me.  I tried to help him, I tried to keep my marriage, he didn't want to.  I got the message loud and clear.  I am stil processing all that I have been through.  My heart has been shattered many times over during this whole ordeal.  It is still healing.   

I honestly leave the man alone. I don't contact. I don't say anything about him unless it is family or  like 2 friends.  I have accepted that my marriage is over.  I am not happy about this as I did mean my vows and loved him very, very much. I still miss him at times. As I should after a 30 year relationship.  I see him as having died except he is living.  I mourn a ghost. That man does not exist I don't think.

I don't understand how he keeps being a toxic entity in our lives or why he should be.  His girlfriend should love all the time he spends with her without a crazy ex bothering them.  I guess it doesn't matter - complete no contact vs crazy nagging ex wife it still bothers someone.

Frustrated over here.