[Rising Phoenix]

Absolutely living,
I am the evil wife who abused him, broke him, I am not a normal mentally functioning parent, I am a classic text book case of parental alienation, I only wanted him for his wage packet ( I worked full time till kids then part time and raised kids) I took out bills in his name and run them up, I was unreasonable for packing his belongings.

According to the ow I am a monster! So she keeps stating on social media. I’ve never commented on social media about her.

Mine has finally decided to divorce me but as nah said it may poss be ow ultimatum. I have left him alone other than odd emails to try discuss kids and divorce to save me solicitor fees. 99% of time I get no reply. I have not chased since last bd, I have not begged and not even said I love him or miss him. Purely divorce and kids.

I wonder if that upsets him that I don’t and made his bed?
Again I think it was nah or nas said smile and know my silence to her posts are driving her insane.
I do nothing. Xx
 

[Treasur]

Gosh RP, well we all are aren't we? What an evil bunch we are, bwahaha! I even made my XH feel distressed when he hadn't spoken to me for months but 'had' to file for divorce, so he felt really angry with me about it.....

[Nas]

Has anyone heard from BrenRoss lately?  I was thinking about her because she was so active on the early vanisher threads and I know in her last posts, she was dealing with a lot.  I hope she's okay.

My Timehop app just reminded me of the last birthday card H gave me in August 2014. (It's not my birthday but I guess I took a picture of the card after BD.)

The card says "You do that one thing. You know? That one amazing thing? I love the way you do that thing."
And then on the inside it says:
"I call it 'putting up with me.'
Happy Birthday (...and keep 'doing it')"

And then he wrote, "Happy Birthday, Love, H."

Less than a month later he was on his way to Affairville with OW via Facebook messages.

And now 3.5 years later, I have cancer, he doesn't care and I don't even know his phone number.
Funny how things change.

He joked a lot about how I "put up with him."  He even wrote it on Facebook: "I'm so lucky my wife puts up with me and I love her for it."
He certainly had his issues, like literally refusing to eat in a seafood restaurant no matter how many other people wanted to have seafood - he hated the smell and refused to be around it.
I thought because he joked about me "putting up with him," he realized how often he "needed" to have things a certain way and appreciated how often I did the LBS version of compromising (i.e. giving the MLCer their way).

I'm coming to the sad, scary, heartbreaking realization that H has become a narcissist and this is who he is now. Pre-MLC, he was definitely needy and selfish about things like not being around seafood, but he didn't exhibit any real true NPD traits. 

I wouldn't say he has true NPD traits even now, but NPD is literally the only way to explain a man who would vanish and have no empathy for me while I have advanced cancer.  I mean, I don't just have a cancerous mole that needed to be removed (not to say that's not scary and no disrespect meant to anyone who's had skin cancer or anything like that), but I have an aggressive and advanced form of cancer for which there are not a lot of treatment options.  The likelihood of me dying of this is very high, and H just doesn't care.
He's done with me, he has a suitable "replacement" and so he. does. not. care.

What screams NPD to me is that he doesn't even care enough to pretend he cares. (I guess he did at first, when he told me he'd ask his team at work to pray for me.  But at some point after he sent me the text on my birthday, he stopped caring about even trying to look like he cares.)

He certainly did not seem even close to a "true" NPD for the first year or two after BD, but now I really can't come up with another valid reason for his choice to completely let me go and burn the bridge beyond all recognition.

[nah]

Nas,

Just my opinion and it’s a sorry @ss excuse, I don’t think it’s bc he doesn’t care, in fact if he was “meh” about it, he would contact you so he wouldn’t look like a grade A humongous @-hole.

He’s scared to death to face you, and face mortality.

I’m so sorry he’s being such a prick.

[Nas]

He’s scared to death to face you, and face mortality.

That's what I have wanted to believe.  Afraid of his mortality, maybe, if he somehow thinks I'm dying.  Afraid of me - he has no flipping reason to be.  I was as calm, cordial and kind as could be for all the time leading up to my diagnosis, even when he was being so frustrating and financially hurting me.

He sent me a text on my birthday, a month and a half after my diagnosis. There was no indication then that he was going to disappear.  Something obviously changed for him after that.

In October, he changed his Fakebook cover photo for the first time in 2 years...to a picture of a building he works next to that was lit up pink for breast cancer awareness. He must have been seeing breast cancer stuff left and right in October. But I didn't hear a word from him.

He tweeted to a female sports figure in January that she was "as classy as they come" for raising a ton of money for breast cancer, which he called "a great cause."  He'd already changed his phone number at that point and we hadn't had any contact in many months.  Mind boggling.

[1trouble]

Nas

Its not NPD its Avoidance

There is a personality disorder called avoidant personality disorder your H may be exhibiting this whilst in crisis, he may be a total avoidant but from what you posted I don't think he is.

I use to call my H and avoidant personality because when faced with anything uncomfortable or hard (even before MLC) he would run away....my therapist explained to me that a real avoidant runs and doesn't look back, someone who avoids difficult stuff temporarily isn't a total avoidant so it wasn't my H and TBH, even though he has cut himself off from you atm and is showing some traits, I don't think its yours...

I know given what you are going through this is going to sound really screwed but I don't think he can face whats happening to you, and given what he's done, in crisis, he feels he has no right to contact you or reach and more importantly, I guess, he probably justifies his no contact as being for the best......, bad, selfish and very wrong thinking ..... I know   

But, personally, I think, the pink picture he posted and the reach out to the celeb are ways of "connecting" in his head albeit remotely, to whats happening with you and shows on some level (a MLC one) he does 'care'

I don't blame you if you wnt to go off at me for that and come back at me....but I just think in MLC their brains don't function at a 'normal' level and their are no 'normal reactions, even to things that should wake them up.

We read stories on here and elsewhere of MLC'ers 'woken' up because of shocks, or because the LBS walked away or was getting on with their lives, or divorced the MLC;er or threatened it.............and it sort of creates and expectation that if something happens in our story or we meet someone knew or we file for divorce etc...they will start to come out of it, start to feel...its not that simple and I think the cases where this has happened were just a fluke or coincide with the chemical imbalance subsiding IMO

I don't know what your H was like before crisis, I know mine was the sort of person who could either deal with the original crisis situation, ( if it was sudden) in an exceptionally cool calm way BUT after would run OR if it was some rubbish that we knew was coming like health stuff, ops etc. he would 'run' before or just after (when I say 'run' I mean drugs years ago and years and once he kicked drugs it would be drinking a bit too much )....

Obviously, the observations I make about your H is from a distance and not knowing the pre MLC person but also what I have observed in my own H in MLC and the research I have done on this

I think they all, even in the middle of this have at times. some level of feeling and awareness but then the fog comes back in, at the times they feel its very acute.  I think your H is being very cowardly (aren't they all?!) and cannot reach out to you, through acute guilt and shame and you could be right it might be the fact he is frightened of his own mortality
BUT also he wants to stay where he is............NOT because he is happy but because its easier and I believe at this point in his crisis (like mine) the status quo is the easier option.
They don't have the strength, will power or mental power to do anything else but stay...
AND
The energy they had at the beginning is gone and whats left is total apathy.......
Busybee says there is a dark period they enter  and I totally believe she is right, this is later in the crisis and its when they cut themselves off from everyone and immerse themselves in their 'new life' because they just cant do anything else and cant cope with the guilt and shame of their old life.....but even in the midst of this, there is still a pull to their 'real' life ......even if they do nothing about it..make no mistake, even if we cant see it they are tortured .....
 
I am sure from your viewpoint it seems so self indulgent what your H is doing ..............I know when I have dealt with crap in the last few years like my back fracture and the feeling of helplessness and vulnerability I had and latterly stuff with J when he was really poorly a little while ago......at those times I really felt disgusted with my H ...here I was dealing with REAL crap...and he is living in some stupid "fantasy" schmoopie land ....so I cant imagine how you feel.....

BUT I would not for one minute think he isn't thinking of you, isn't tortured by what he has done and doing and isn't racked with guilt..
(Which of course he should be).....................because I believe by some of his social media posts he is.....cold comfort I know xx

[Thunder]

It,

I believe you nailed it.

Nas, I truly believe everything It just said.  I've thought it for a very long time.

[Still Half full]

Nas I think what 1T wrote is spot on

Reading what 1T said reminded me of something my MLCH said very early on. He was involved with ow and working away.   I'd been being very light with communication, even though I knew 'something' wasn't right, but I got to a stage where texting and emailing wasn't working for me, so asked him to call me. He did but he was an absolute mess, sobbing, telling me he couldn't cope, I didn't really know what was going on so I was caring and calm but nothing got through. We ended the call because he just couldn't speak. It turns out he walked for hours in a strange city in a different country. I was trying to pacify him and he sent me a text saying that if he didn't live second to second, minute to minute he wouldn't survive this trip away. He told me he couldn't think about me and still do his job, so I backed off, we went back to very light 'how's the weather' communications but I could see on social media he was still working and socialising, it broke my heart and I felt helpless

When he got back I discovered his affair, he ran, and I think he is still living his life second to second because if he thinks about me he can't cope

Nas I really think this is what's happened to your MLCH, I think the supporting breast cancer posts are proof that he is aware, but he just cannot face what he's done. I remember when you were still in contact he concentrated on your dog, the easy stuff, the stuff that doesn't make them feel dreadful for how they've behaved. No one could not care that their long term partner is going through what you're going through. A huge group of people here care about you 😊 and we haven't spent a big chunk of our lives with you

I'm not sure if what I've written helps, I hope it does a little, sometimes reading other people's experiences can shine a bit of light on our crazy situations, just like reading 1T's post reminded me of my H's state of mind, I hadn't thought about his trip for ages.

And then sometimes we need to read kick**s posts that make us lol like Nah's 😄

I hope you're coping ok and that the treatment isn't too dreadful, that doesn't sound anywhere near what I want to say, I can't find the right words, but if someone who just reads your posts and is not in MLC struggles to know what to say, I can imagine how hard it is for your stupid, weak, guilt ridden MLCH, no excuses, he should be supporting you, but MLC seems to take their backbones and makes them completely spineless

Thinking of you Nas and sending positive thoughts that you beat this. Keep all your strength for healing and don't let thoughts of your weak H take your strength, he doesn't deserve it

[Milly]

Nas, you are in a particularly unfair situation. You got BD like the rest of us, your H is a regular MLCer, then you got cancer and that didn't make him care any more about you than if you had been a healthy LBS.

This proves even more that a MLCer does not react to the situations that the rest of us do. A 'normal' person would run to be at your side. The fact that your H cannot be with you as you go through this horrendous illness by yourself just shows that he is not a normal person right now.

He's not reacting as any one would. He's not able to come comfort and support you the way a regular friend would. Why? Any one who could, would. Why not your H? He has loved you or he wouldn't have chosen to marry you. Why can't he hold your hand now? Because he's so severely sick, too.

If you took your cancer away, your H is a regular MLCer going through what he needs to go through. He doesn't feel less for you than our Hs feel for us. On the contrary, his posting the cancer ribbon thing, means he's thinking of you, A LOT. He can't face you, because the cancer makes him even more guilty for what he's done. The more problems, pain they cause us, the harder it is for them to face us. The more they vanish.

You have clues that in spite of his guilt, he still thinks of you. His thoughts are drawn to you. That's why the pink ribbon, the supportive words about cancer that he doesn't have the courage to say to your face. But he is saying them online. That means you are in his constant thoughts. That's a MLCer who is following script. Your situation is normal.

I'm so very sorry for your additional burden, Nas. I have told you before. It's just not fair that both this health horror is happening to you and BD is happening to you. Your H is not caring less for you than others. He can't handle cancer. A child couldn't handle cancer, and that's how you have to think of him now. It's not against you. He's useless, powerless, weak even though he may not wish these things. He can't help it.

Nas, you keep fighting, you keep looking ahead and keep making plans for you. You can get through all of the $h!te that is being thrown at you. It's not fair, but you have additional strength. You have shown that by ending up on here. You fight your cancer and enjoy your life, making choices that are best for you because what is best for you is going to be better for your H, too. It's your time finally. Nas, I really believe your H thinks about you every day.
Take care brave girl. Lots of hugs and strength for you.xxxx

[heroIam]

1t.
I believe everything you said.