[heroIam]

Seems most here with vanishers are pending a D or divorced. 
This has always concerned me.  Since last contact over 2 weeks ago, I've heard nothing.  I don't know how to categorize my H.  Vanisher, touch and go, semi-vanisher?   

It is so easy to create scenarios in the head of the life that they have 'over there'.  I notice this more often in the spring/summer.  Thoughts of them on tropical vacations, one big happy family going to bbq's, camping, etc. etc.... i just torture myself and begin to dig that rabbit hole.....

Why wouldn't I or anyone think different about creating scenarios about 'over there'? We were just put in this situation with no say in the matter.   Bc when i asked him at BD, why.....his response was bc OW likes fishing and camping and a certain football team.  Wow, ok.  So that's what I think they do most of the time 'over there'.    

Then I just say 'Stop' to myself.  I don't know what's going on over there......and I need to put that focus back on me.  My decision is to stay put and live my life while in this ridiculous situation. Bc he's the one who chose to be in it, he can be the one to choose to be out.  I never wanted a separation, I wasn't even given the opportunity to have a say in it.

I remain grateful that he hasn't bowed out of the financial responsibility though. At least for now.

 

[Milly]

Treasur, great post. Hero, everything you wrote is how I feel too. It really sucks doesn't it. But as Treasur said, there's consequences for their 'happy' and of that I am certain.

[Treasur]

The most simple consequence for my XH is that, because of his choices, he has 20 years of his own life that he will never be able to look at without shame or feeling it was all a worthless horrific mistake, depending on his mindset. I can't imagine how peculiar or disorientating that would be. Every photo, every place, every song, all those small little flashes of association with friends, events, concerts, all those bits of yourself. It's a bit like mental suicide really.

He still could have left but if he had treated his life, marriage and me with care and respect, he could have kept part of it unpolluted still. But that wasn't the choice he made, He turned our life into something dark and insane, and p**sed all over every bit of it. I have no idea how anyone makes peace with that and it would be hard to live with such a big bit of your life erased.

I can feel sorrow and perhaps a little doubt, but no shame or remorse or hatred. I'm sure there will be a time when I can look at these things and smile. Even now, painful as it is, I am grateful for most of the moments of those 20 years. XH? Not so much.

[heroIam]

I agree Treasur.
I've learned though to have compassion for my H.  I also take full ownership of my shortcomings in the breakdown of our marriage.  I don't blame him for everything.  But I do blame his choice to lay down with someone else and continue to choose to be with this person. (don't know for sure if OW still around)   This is a deep cut that will definitely never go away.  But I know if I'm ever to reconcile, i have to find a way to make peace with it within myself.  I suppose even if there is no reconciliation, it's important to make some peace with it, otherwise it will slowly eat away at my spirit.

[Rising Phoenix]

I haven’t made peace with it, don’t know if I ever will. I think I’m putting a lot on the divorce. I don’t want the divorce but have no choice in the matter but as it’s going through I suppose I am pinning my hopes on that it will give me closure and peace in some form.

I can see my short comings in our marriage but working, raising a family with one child autistic and a husband on shifts I didn’t have as much time to give my h but instead of working with me and discussing any issues he had, he ran.

He ran to ow who with no children gave him all the time he wanted and boosted his ego. A vile woman who believes she had every right to my h and myself and the children have none. A woman who regularly abuses me via social media that my children can see and h does nothing about it. H has become a weak man, a man who would of died for his family bit now thinks of them as dead to him. A man who said nothing will come before his children but now puts himself and ow first. So no I have no compassion for the man he became.

I do wonder if he sits there at night thinking of us and what we are doing or what his children are up to or even if he thinks of their health! Probably not.

I have asked him to be amicable, to be a parent, to contact his children. We get nothing.

All I know is, I deal with the fall out of his actions and the impact on my kids 24/7. When your daughter weeps hat she has had to grow up to quick and that he has broken something inside her that will never be fixed you begin to go between love and hate. I love my h who he was but hate the man he is now. I can never forgive his actions towards our children or his parents who have not seen or spoken to their only grand children for over 3 yrs as it was too stressful for them. Stressful? Should of been in my shoes.
No I didn’t want the divorce but if it will give me closure and peace I welcome it in a painful way. May sound daft but it is the only way I can describe it. Xx

[heroIam]

I realize some of you deal with monstering and also have kids to raise.  I cannot even begin to imagine the difficulty and strength needed for that.  I do know in some cases divorce is best.,,,unfortunately.  But some need to go that route to protect themselves and their kids.

It's a shame how they can just destroy families by their selfish actions. 

[Rising Phoenix]

Sorry hero, I didn’t mean to sound bitter xx

[Treasur]

Don't think you sound bitter, RP...and if you feel bitter sometimes, that's ok too.

In my post-D experience of 4 days now  ...it closes down a last little bit of inconvenient uncomfortable residual 'us' hope for me, because he is no longer my H. My commitment to a H is different than to an XH. There is a bit of peace in that. Closure? Not so much, not sure divorce makes a big difference for my emotional recovery which is a separate activity. I'm hoping that when/if the financial stuff is finished it will be another bit of letting go with full NC.

Even after more than 2 years, I still find being where I am as bewildering as I did post-BD. It is simply too insane to realise that your spouse of many years is unrecognisable and unreachable by love or logic, that someone who loved you for years can act this way with no regard for the damage to you or your life. Slowly adjusting to that is an internal job. I'm not sure that external things like legal stuff provide the big mental shifts as you go along. I think each of us figure out what divorce means to us, even if it is just an absence of Ls or less paperwork!

[Rising Phoenix]

I think your right treasur, I am hoping for more peace and let go than I will actually get. I still sit here thinking I don’t believe this.
I suppose 3 yrs of cake eating did not help mine or the kids emotional welll being. Just before he vanished, I had asked him if he loved her and all he would say is there are feelings but he doesn’t know if it is love. I asked how he knew he loved me and he replied it was the only thing he was sure of. I asked what he loved about me and he said anything and everything, then he was caught having a coffee with me and then vanished. Removed Netflix from the kids he was paying for and started divorce and then changed his phone no so not even the kids can contact him. That’s the hardest bit I am trying to come to terms with.

While we are still in divorce and financials, there is still some form of connection.

Has the divorce being finalised made any difference to your xh treasur? Xx

[Treasur]

Has the divorce being finalised made any difference to your xh treasur? Xx

No idea, RP. I've heard nothing from him since it was final. I don't know why he wanted it as he's never said. I don't know what he expected it to give him so I have no idea if he feels it has delivered it.  Obviously it was important to him and he was obsessed with wanting my 'permission' to break his promise (ha ha) and apply for the Absolute before the finances were approved by the Court. He didn't need it legally and I kept saying the same thing; that it was up to him if he kept his word or not, I was just following L advice. He threw a bit of a tantrum and decided to renege on his promise. No idea why. He certainly has kept accusing me of 'stalling', despite the facts of course, and in one spew raged that I was hoping he would change his mind (even though I'd said and done the exact opposite for well over a year.)

I suppose some clue will be if he sticks to the financial agreement he signed or wants to saddle up for another battle. If all he truly wants is "to be done with all this" as he's said, then he will let my L lodge the agreement and be done. If he's really happy and excited about his new freedom as a divorced man, or his plans with psycho watchgirl, he'll want to focus his energy on his new life/wife and let every last link to the old go. If he doesn't, then obviously some part of him still wants to be angry, blame me and fight. Like Don Quixote. But I'm way past trying to mindread his thoughts or feelings because it's impossible and it doesn't change the reality of how things are.