[DianaDeBelflor]

Diana, It's hard to say since it's only been a short while since your last contact. 
(p.s. just a little note, is your username your real name? If so, you might consider changing it as this is not a private forum.)

I have a hard time figuring this man out. When he dropped the BD, he said that he wanted to be friends with me, but he goes on to treat me the way he did a year ago - ignoring and being hateful when we are in contact. He acts as if I was the one who hurt him.

(LOL No! Diana de Belflor is the pretty lady in my avatar pic - she is an entirely fictional character)

I was reading through this thread and thinking how many of us have vanishers who didn't start out as vanishers.

I think if mine had vanished right away, I might not be questioning so much still 3 years on.

Also, if he hadn't vanished right after I got cancer, making it look as though he ran because I became "defective" (or more defective, in his eyes) or something.

And if he hadn't shared a few details of his "secret" new life in our last actual text conversation in late May and then acknowledged my birthday for a change this year and then immediately disappeared. If he had been monstering or cruel or we'd had some big blow up, it might make more sense.

But no, it was him starting to initiate contact for no reason in the spring, sending me pics of my dog, then opening up a tiny bit, then me getting sick and then...poof, he's gone.

I replied to his birthday text the day after he sent it with just a "thank you" and then, as all the advice says, I left him alone and didn't contact him at all.  So I have no idea when he actually changed his phone number.  I think it was sometime in the fall but the fact remains that I haven't heard from him since my birthday 9 months ago and he did change his contact information.

I do wonder if the death of one of his old high school buddies in September (opiate overdose) caused him to spiral and start replay all over again or something. Who knows.

Sounds like someone who pops in and out. Not a boomerang, per say, but not a vanisher either. Do you think you'd be happier if he just vanished? I'm beginning to suspect that I might be.

I'm also 90% sure that he will stop all contact with his family. If he changes his phone number, he will never let them know. Going forward, whatever contact I will have with him will be more than what his mother will have. Isn't it sad?

[Nas]

Well, Nas, I guess you can always contact him via Twitter right? The public nature of that is a practical consequence of his choices, I guess.

But please slap down the bit of your head that is saying 'he vanished because I'm 'defective'...no, he vanished because he's defective.

Thanks Treasur.  Yeah, I meant that's what he is thinking about me, not what I think about me. 

As far as Twitter goes, I'll admit it did piss me off this weekend (as I was battling chemo side effects) to see him tweeting with all kinds of exclamation points as if he was having a blast for himself.  But still, watching him try to get this one woman's attention has been sort of amusing.  I'm not sure what his intent is because it's not outright flirting or flattery, he's more continuing to try to show her that he's "on her side" in this twitter war she's in with another woman. (Both women are like d list media personalities, not well known outside of their local areas.)

So it's kind of interesting to watch. He works for a very important employer now (as he seems to be very proud of and thinks somehow it makes him important) and this very important employer follows him on Twitter. And yet he doesn't seem to have a problem tweeting to this woman and calling her rival a word most people would say is the most despicable word you can call a woman. I actually just sort of felt sorry for him when I saw that one, because it is just so bizarre a) that he's so invested in commenting on this feud between two women he doesn't even know, and b) that he would show such disrespect towards a woman and use that kind of language even knowing it might show up in the feeds of all the "super duper important" people he works for.

[20thcenturygirl]

So how do you define a vanisher?

I have a horrible feeling mine will be if he goes through with his divorce.
 BD was October 2017 and he left after Christmas.  He has been travelling around on permanent vacation with his OW since.  I saw him at an event for our daughter but other than that a couple of phone calls and e-mails to do with finances but he has never asked how I am let alone what I am doing!

Is this early days and too early to tell?

 

[nah]

So how do you define a vanisher?

Need InPut worded it perfectly....

Diana, your H could go through different phases as RP mentioned above or he could just maintain one phase. I think most vanishers have an on-and-off communication style but with much longer time period between contact. You will be able to better differentiate the styles in retrospect.

There are very few real true vanishers on this forum.  I think there might be 2 true LBSers of real vanishers that follow this thread.  A true vanisher completely disappears without any means of contact.  Years will go by and the LBSer really has no idea if their spouse is dead or alive... zero contact.

Like Need Input wrote, most of us on here have on-and-off communication style... I can message or call my ex-husband right now, and he will answer.  Still, I have not had any contact for about 4-5 months now, and that is normal for us. 

Its much too early for you to determine what kind of contact you will have with your husband and contact could change anytime.  I have had more contact and real conversations with The Leaver years after our divorce was final.

[CallingHeart]

From what I've seen on here there's a spectrum of vanishers

I'd call mine a "True Vanisher".  Ghost describes him because thoughts of him haunt me.  Not in a bad way, but in a way that someone who was abandoned by their spouse would be haunted.  I wonder if that ever goes away.  I'm not sure it will.  Zero contact for years.  No phone contact, no email, no text.  He flipped the "done" switch and blew up our marriage with BD.  He filed for divorce a year after BD & it went fast  (but then again it was my attorney who took the swift action once his divorce was filed).  There are some small clues about him as I still have online access to his bank account. But from his perspective I was cut from his life.  A very clean break for him.  firetrucking vanisher   

Then there are the low-contact vanisher types.   They seem gone, but there is the occasional contact / anchor check. 

[Tyks]

If my xh and I didn't have a 15 year old there would be absolutely  no contact.  Contact is rare even with our d15. If I called him right now or texted him he would answer.  I asked him about that once and he said he was worried that something was wrong with the kids lol.  Our kids are 19 and 15 and very capable of contacting him themselves

Zero communication.  He left and he was done,  period. 

[CallingHeart]

Every now and then I sign his email on the local wine bar email list. 
This little wine bar is walking distance from where we lived while married.
They keep a sign up list in the foyer by the restrooms, so if Im bored while waiting....
I figure an email from them can serve as an occasional reminder... 

[nah]

I figure an email from them can serve as an occasional reminder... 

Communication with the vanishers is a special kind of dance, isn't it?

That's actually a good idea, CH, since your vanisher is extreme.

Let's face it,... no communication = no relationship.  Now I'm not talking a few weeks, or even a few months,...when I still wanted a relationship with The Leaver, if we started to go to about 4-5 months w/o communication, I would sneak something in.  Nothing too drastic more like a "happy birthday" or a nice note on Father's Day.  On Christmas I sent him something his grandmother made and he left at the house, and yes, sometimes I "mistakenly" butt dialed him (that one weirdly worked, we talked for like an hour b/c he called me back).  I believe the first few years they cycle too, so a little anchor check on our side will sometimes work, and sometimes not.

This kind of communication will NOT work if it is overused or if it's all about sending "truth darts".  It will only work if used sparingly and with very low expectations.   

I believe this is why many (not all but many) LBSers do get to decide how the story will end.  Even though The Leaver was very low contact, as time went on our contact was easier and more friendly.  I feel if I attacked him too much and too often he would have ran harder.  I wasn't perfect, though, and many times my games backfired.  Still over the years, he did seem to draw closer to me very slowly. So slowly that over time I didn't want to play anymore.  I know without a doubt if I called him right now, he would meet me for lunch this week.  Problem is, I just don't want to.  The early days, that's ALL I wanted, just to see him, talk to him, try to reason with him.  He wasn't ready. 

Now I'm done.

[Treasur]

I think I feel now, simply, that nothing my XH might conceivably say would serve me at all. It's sad to lose someone you loved this way but there is a point for many of us, as Nah says, when it just goes too far and for too long.

[nah]

I'm not sure about everybody else, but I didn't get the typical "monster" that many LBSers talk about...

We don't have many conversations with the vanishers, and maybe that's why...

Mine did the typical "ILYBINILWY" and things like I'm good at making HIM feel guilty or I made everyone hate him.  When I responded with I can't make anybody feel anything, he basically shut up.

He never called me names, never said he never loved me or anything like that.  In fact, HE more than once blamed himself,... said we had a great marriage, great memories, I was a great wife and mother but HE changed, He is F'd up in the head, that HE needs anxiety meds, etc.

So as strange as this sounds, yes, he cheated, abandoned, divorced me and married her BUT... he never attacked me personally, never called me names, never talked sh!t about me behind my back other than when cornered he will say, "WE were on a different page".  Most people say he just doesn't say anything.

So I really don't hate him, as strange as this sounds I b/c we had so little "bad" interactions (we very rarely fought, he just disappeared), so neither one of us said anything that we could never come back from, the image of sex with another really doesn't bother me like it does to many others (maybe b/c I now have done more than him in that department), it's just that we are different people.

Five years of different experiences.  He's no longer someone I am proud to be connected to,... he lost his job, his integrity, his swagger, his confidence.  I see him as a coward, kind of old and boring.  He seems afraid of his own shadow, letting this young pathetic girl lead him around.  I like a man with a little edge, someone I can count on, someone with confidence, someone that is a bit of a challenge. 

So for me, it's not the things he did, even to me.  It's the person he has become.

If I thought he was the same man, I probably would still be standing.