[bvFTD]

LBS:

We know that some spouses refuse to seek help, but if they start screaming at you, throw furniture around, push you or hit you (all behaviors I have read here) or you feel their verbal abuse is about to escalate, go into a room whose door you can lock or go outside and call 911.

Whatever disorder they have, it seems they start changing 1 to 2 years before BD with frenzied exercising or gambling and drinking and distancing themselves from the family, followed by cutting and critical remarks to the LBS, overspending and adultery, culminating in abrupt and unforeseen abandonment, which can be dangerous to the LBS because it can be accompanied by physical assault or explosive fits of spewing rage.

I feel as if some of their abnormal, shocking and scary behavior almost gets normalized on this site by kind of cutely calling it "monstering" - sounds almost endearing in a way like a grownup dressing in a Frankenstein Halloween costume. A more accurate term is abuse or rage attacks and they are serious and can be a matter of life and death. They are also called catastrophic reactions by people who work in the medical field.

Do not hesitate to call 911.

[Lioness]

One thing I don’t understand in all this discussion is this: how helpful is a diagnosis (which, having dealt with mental health in the past i know for sure isn’t at all a straight forward process - like not at all) for a deeply shocked LBS? What exactly is she supposed to do with that? Spend years tied up in court over that (you two clearly have never actually dealt with the trauma of court proceedings! I was investigated by child service after H accused me of not being competent since allegedly because I had had PTSD)! Just how helpful do you think knowing your spouse is genetically impaired and will die of a neurological disease in 10 years is it to an LBS struggling to cope with the betrayal? I feel like while Velika and BV want to provide a discussion, this is a discussion that doesn’t actually evolve. It doesn’t provide for practical help except to say call 911 (the least effective thing to do in a mental illness situation) or “force your spouse to go to a university hospital (i don’t know how one gets there honestly)! So my question is, and I really hope to hear practical answers beyond the  “scientific discussion of the MLC: Why insist on putting the LBS in an even weaker position than she is in from the moment she realizes (more like hit by) MLC? Why want to make her the caretaker during these circumstances? I ask this because I volunteered for a women’s shelter for a long time, and the first and best advice we always give to women who are in abusive relationships (physical or otherwise) is to get out as soon as humanly possible and put their kids in safety! Then go to seek therapy so that they can figure themselves out away from the source of their pain! You guys are saying instead, no, spend time figuring out the person who hurts you!  So I honestly don’t see the logic of your arguments at all! . With all due respect, you are simply placing the onus of figuring out (and fixing) the MLC under the guise of wanting to understand etc...it is not mentally safe for a woman (most Lbs are women) to spend so much time and energy and money if she has any in doctor’s appointments (that is if she is ever able to convince her husband - who now hates her guts - to seek help)! The feminist in me is shocked by all of the suggestions you insist on making to people who are already under a great deal of stress! Even if MLC was a real, neurological or otherwise disease, it is and should not be the LBS responsibility to advocate for change! 

[Ready2Transform]

Lioness has some good points here! My attorney actually told me to keep the bipolar thing on ice in the courtroom, lest the judge "feel sorry" for the poor mentally ill xH and cut him more slack.

"Monstering" is a term too that's used in the bipolar communities to represent the same thing we do here. I've seen it criticized as being too harsh too, but really, I think we all get what it means. Sometimes monster isn't a full blown rage attack. Sometimes it's just a mean bully.

[bvFTD]

This thread is for people who are trying to understand the drastic and disturbing behavioral change in our spouses in a medical context. It is okay if you just have to devote all of your energy to surviving the trauma and getting away, which is why we need help from others - family courts, schools, employers, medical professionals and society. We are in shock and can barely get out of bed or choke down some orange slices for sustenance, let alone embark on medical detective work, figure out what kind of doctor to see or juggle appointments for them, all while making sure they don't clean out our life savings and comforting our reeling children.

But I had to know why the loving, kind, generous, loyal, happy and funny man I was with for 30 years suddenly turned into an angry, thieving, selfish, immoral adulterer and Abandoner who hated me.

I think a diagnosis can make a great deal of difference. If my husband were to report me to Child Services and accuse me of being a bad mother, his neurologist will be able to explain to social workers that my H's brain is broken and he is CONFABULATING!

A diagnosis can prevent unstable people from buying firearms or even result in automatic revocation of his driver's license in some states. A diagnosis may help someone be treated more leniently should he commit a crime. A diagnosis may also convince his employer that he should say, not be operating on patients. A diagnosis will help determine who should have child custody.

A diagnosis let's us FORGIVE. My son no longer refers to my husband as "The Bastard." He can now love my husband again, but in a different way.

I long for the day that as soon as someone hears "I need space" preceded by all the signs we are so familiar with, we can make a phone call and the MLC Emergeny Response Team arrives a few minutes later because we are experiencing an emergency!

[bvFTD]

Ready:

My attorney (in psychology for 20 years before getting her JD) felt a little differently. Being armed with the facts, aware of his behaviors and anticipating the likely decline helped her fashion the divorce agreement in order to protect me and the children and my H.

[bvFTD]

Velika:

You mentioned an acquaintance was ranting in posts that she hated her husband and wanted to divorce him, so her alarmed family called an ambulance for her. What was wrong with her?

[Anjae]

... how helpful is a diagnosis (which, having dealt with mental health in the past i know for sure isn’t at all a straight forward process - like not at all) for a deeply shocked LBS?

It isn't.

Just how helpful do you think knowing your spouse is genetically impaired and will die of a neurological disease in 10 years is it to an LBS struggling to cope with the betrayal?

Not much, if at all.

My attorney actually told me to keep the bipolar thing on ice in the courtroom, lest the judge "feel sorry" for the poor mentally ill xH and cut him more slack.

Like I said in a previous post, if I wanted to play the mental health card and divorce Mr J such grounds, I would had to support Mr J for life. That is our law.

These threads didn't use to be about what a LBS should do, they were for debating the matters on the title: Biochemistry, Neurotransmitters, and Brain Research (note no MLC on the title) in broad, or more specific, interesting ways. And the threads certainly didn't use to be confined to MLC, MLC was often a side note, if at all.

A few years ago, some HS members got interested and/or took some neuroscienc, genetics, etc. courses, and these threads were for us to debate those issues.

This thread is for people who are trying to understand the drastic and disturbing behavioral change in our spouses in a medical context.

Not really. As I said above, these threads didn't used to be for that. The matters approached, often had nothing to do with changes in a spouse. They had to do with complex Biochemistry, Neurotransmitters, and Brain Research issues. Not with MLC/changes in spouse.

Velika and bvFTD turned them into something they were never meant to be.

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

I have a question that some of you may be able to answer to some extent.

Is there something that happens in the brain, whether MLC or not, that allows someone to be extremely hostile, rude, etc, without them realizing it? 

My H has had some conflicts with others and myself where he is unbelievably off the charts with hostility, anger and rudeness.  When called on it, he seems completely baffled that anyone would consider his behavior inappropriate.  He has always been like this to a much lesser extent, but now seems to be like this all the time!  Unless he is stoned on pot, that seems to be the only thing that calms him down.  I would love to hear opinions.  Thanks in advance

[Thunder]

Family,

When my H was going through his crisis there was a period of time where he got very hostile at work.

Now mind you he is very easy going, never would fight with anyone in the work place and was regarded as one of their best workers.

He just flipped and was irritated with just about everything and began going to the supervisor with complaints and also became argumentative with a few co-workers.  He also started having road rage, which he never did before.  He was a very aggressive driver for some time.  If looks could kill every driver on the road would have been dead.

I know he didn't see it but man I sure did.  It was shocking.
He even started yelling at our dogs!

I don't remember now how long he was like that but he eventually got back to normal.  Maybe it's the anger inside them at the time.
IDK

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

Thanks Thunder.  This journey is really testing my sanity.