Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Bomb dropped in 2008 | Still married and together 10 years later  (Read 2937 times)

Offline The NavigatorTopic starter

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Good evening all,

Thunder asked me to start another thread or advised me that the last one was locked.

It's true.  I've been at this for over ten years.

Here is a rundown of my story so far:

Thread I (started in October 2013)

Thread II (started in September 2016)

My signature just about sums up everything my W and I have been through for over ten years but the threads will give you the long story.

Things are way quieter than when bomb drop occured in January 2008.  We have had three children in the meantime including a little boy who was born last year, but my own journey is not over.

I struggle with forgiving myself for putting up with these antics, there is not much love and affection from my W to me although she's more than happy for me to caress and massage her etc.

I am still learning and will be until I take my last breath.

My heart goes out to everyone here, especially those just beginning to deal with their situation.

Be well,

The Navigator
« Last Edit: April 27, 2018, 10:10:12 AM by OldPilot »
Bomb & Separation: 28th January 2008
Moved in with OM for 5 months
EA/PA persisted from 2008 to 2010
Kids: DS ( 9 ), DD ( 8 ) confirmed mine with paternity tests
Another DS born April 2017
MLC lasted 6-7 years

Offline OneHotMess

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Re: Bomb dropped in 2008 | Still married and together 10 years later
« Reply #1 on: April 15, 2018, 12:36:14 PM »
Following
M 40
H 41
Ow 41( his 1st cousin) moved in May 23, 2017, she went back to her husband Oct 2017
Ow moved back with her 2 kids Jan 1 2018 even with courts cutting his visitation with his kids because of it
T-19 yr M-14 yrs
S13 & D8
BD  February 12 2017 & April 22 2017 (signs of MLC since 2015)
I filed for divorce June 2 2017 for protection- final August 9, 2018

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8791.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8948.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9189.0
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10052.150

Offline Thunder

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Re: Bomb dropped in 2008 | Still married and together 10 years later
« Reply #2 on: April 16, 2018, 03:23:24 AM »
Attaching

I hope you are starting to forgive yourself, Navigator.  You're only human. We've all made some mistakes along the way.

Have you ever given any thought to marriage counseling?  I'm only asking because that blow up you had seems there are may be some issues that need to be addressed. 
Your W's deep resentment for your father.  Not that I blame her for being angry at him, but maybe it would help her to forgive him and get past that, for the kids sake.
.
Then her not showing love and affection towards you.  That may be another issue you two could get out in the open.
I don't think you're not going to be happy like that the rest of your life, Navigator.   You could possibly start resenting her eventually.   
Just my opinion, of course and just a suggestion.

Hope all the kiddo's are doing good!   :)

A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline The NavigatorTopic starter

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Re: Bomb dropped in 2008 | Still married and together 10 years later
« Reply #3 on: April 17, 2018, 02:15:08 AM »
Hi Thunder,

You're right about marriage counselling. We need some help, just to put the last pieces in the puzzle.

It feels like we've built one of those big 3D puzzles and we're struggling to put the last three or four pieces in place and in the right order.

Most marriage counselling is rubbish but I've narrowed it down to two possible sources of help.  I'll do it myself if she won't do it with me.

A pattern in our marriage is me having to force issues. That's how it was when we paid off every cent of our debt. I hadn't lost hope that we could but she had so I just started anyway. As soon as she saw progress she joined me on the journey.
Bomb & Separation: 28th January 2008
Moved in with OM for 5 months
EA/PA persisted from 2008 to 2010
Kids: DS ( 9 ), DD ( 8 ) confirmed mine with paternity tests
Another DS born April 2017
MLC lasted 6-7 years

Offline Whyus

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Re: Bomb dropped in 2008 | Still married and together 10 years later
« Reply #4 on: April 17, 2018, 02:19:20 AM »
Coming along Nav, dont beat yourself up anymore about the blow up. It happens and was probably needed to clear the air for a while... we are only human afterall and can only take a certain amount of $h!te being thrown at us
..
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline The NavigatorTopic starter

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Re: Bomb dropped in 2008 | Still married and together 10 years later
« Reply #5 on: April 17, 2018, 08:47:25 AM »
Yes Whyus,

We can only take a certain amount of sh!te being thrown at us.

I think that most husbands of wives in MLC could stand taking a much tougher approach with their wives, and taking a lot less sh!te.

As much as I went through absolute and total hell from 2008 to 2010, I also was very blunt, direct and uncompromising with my W on a number of matters, like telling her we wouldn't speak again for the rest of Eternity if she found it necessary to divorce me.



Bomb & Separation: 28th January 2008
Moved in with OM for 5 months
EA/PA persisted from 2008 to 2010
Kids: DS ( 9 ), DD ( 8 ) confirmed mine with paternity tests
Another DS born April 2017
MLC lasted 6-7 years

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Bomb dropped in 2008 | Still married and together 10 years later
« Reply #6 on: April 17, 2018, 10:33:35 PM »
Maybe the counseling without your W will be a good idea to move things along.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline The NavigatorTopic starter

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Re: Bomb dropped in 2008 | Still married and together 10 years later
« Reply #7 on: April 18, 2018, 01:47:03 PM »
Another blowup tonight, this time about moving house/money.

For the last year or so, my W has frequently been saying:

"I want a house. I want a house. I want a house. I want a house. I want a house. I want a house. I want a house. I want a house. I want a house. I want a house. I want a house."

To rent mind, not to buy.  We're still not in a financial position to buy and need to save a few more tens of thousands.

This time last year we were still about 10.000,-€ in debt so looking for a new place was out of the question.  Since becoming 100% debt free in July 2017 we have been on vacation four times.  To Poland for a fortnight, 2 months in Australia when I had two months paid parental leave and this year twice, once to Northern Europe and then this month to Ukraine.

Whatever W's emotional priorities have been, her real financial priorities (and mine) have been these family vacations, otherwise we wouldn't have taken them and would have thrown all our energy into looking for a house to rent (and saving up to do so) rather than going away.

We do a budget together every month and not once have we mentioned setting aside cash for a move.  It has never featured in our budget conversations, until tonight.

Since being away for two months, my business pipeline has been empty so there have been a few lean months with very little surplus to save.  The good news is that business is picking up again (after three months hard work) and the next few months are looking much better.

Anyway, we have been looking at places online since about February 2018, we've been to see about 6-7 properties and have found one which more or less meets the criteria.  I've received a draft lease, I have some questions regarding it (they want us to move in June but that is too early for us), and the agent and I have played telephone tennis all day trying to reach each other.  She wanted me to speak with the guy tonight but for whatever reason it didn't happen, so I'm speaking to him tomorrow.  If we can move in mid July it would be doable for us, financially, logistically, and in relation to the kids' schools.

Anway, this isn't to W's liking.

She went nuts, saying she's "sick of how long this is taking" and "You're not looking hard enough at places".

There have been times in the past year when I haven't "been looking" because, honestly, what was the point?  A house move will cost about 9.000,-€ including bond, buying a kitchen, paying someone to help me move, the unexpected, the final clean-up (I'm not doing that) etc.  We could do it but it would mean completely emptying our savings and investments accounts and I am done living that close to the financial abyss.  Been there, done that, and there's nothing I want badly enough that I'll borrow again to make it happen, or make our savings accounts 0,00€.

And since we haven't had the money and/or been actively saving for the move - rather we've been going on holiday instead - my motivation to "look" has been zero.  But we've still looked at places and found a few we liked.

I am more than happy to move.  We are a family of five currently living in a 90 QM (969 square feet), two-bedroomed apartment.  When we moved in five years ago we were still in her MLC and destroyed financially with about 30.000,-€ of debt.  I get why she wants to move, really I do.  I'd love more space, a garden, a basement for my guitars, table-tennis table, model railway - you name it.

I've ****ing had it with this kind of attitude from my W.

I will not be mealy mouthed about this.  I will not make any decision which I know will cause us to financially firetruck ourselves.

I will not make any decision driven by desperation, hysteria and drama.  Not ever.

And if that involves telling W stuff she wish weren't true or doesn't want to hear then so be it.
Bomb & Separation: 28th January 2008
Moved in with OM for 5 months
EA/PA persisted from 2008 to 2010
Kids: DS ( 9 ), DD ( 8 ) confirmed mine with paternity tests
Another DS born April 2017
MLC lasted 6-7 years

Offline Thunder

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Re: Bomb dropped in 2008 | Still married and together 10 years later
« Reply #8 on: April 18, 2018, 02:03:43 PM »
Did you try calmly to explain that to her.  You're doing this for your family, not for yourself.

Man Navigator money is one of the top subjects people fight over.
Maybe sit her down and show her your plan for moving in July and then ask her if she sees anyway of changing it so you can move earlier without borrowing money.  Let her try to figure something out.  She just might.
At least it's worth a try.

Possibly if you seriously include her in the plan she may look at it differently.  If she makes a suggestion, look at it, if you see where it would work, ask her.  Tell her you're concerned because you're not sure how it would work.  Have her show you.  Play dumb, but look at it.  Maybe she'll see it for herself.

Then you can thank you for trying, you appreciate her input. 
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Bomb dropped in 2008 | Still married and together 10 years later
« Reply #9 on: April 18, 2018, 02:42:33 PM »
I like Thunders approach—involve her in the decision. And all the while making sure you are using the right numbers—for all costs and contingencies associated with the move, etc., so she sees where the money is going. Sounds like you work together on a budget, so this might already have happened.

Sorry there was a blow up. But it’s hard to blow up when half the bomb won’t ignite. Someone has to be the rational one.

Yep, money fights. Pretty common. Hey at least this isn’t about how she loves you but is not in love with you, right?  ;D Too soon?
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

 

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