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Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Bomb dropped in 2008 | Still married and together 10 years later

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What was that she keeps mentioning?( I want a house I want a house I want a house... ;D ;D ;D ;D)

Navigator if the TWO of you prioritized vacations over saving money to increase your living space. (And the good lord knows you need that after adding another precious life to the family) Then time to review what's important. You make great memories doing those things but with the increased size of the family, living space is important.

Frankly money talks can piss me off pretty good too. >:(

I'm sorry she's putting the pressure on you to "make it happen" before it may be time to. She's frustrated..I know the feeling. :P

 Maybe she could help look online too? She might feel better if she took a more active role in finding something. (Really July isn't that far away considering)


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There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

T
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Thanks for the responses guys.

This "blow up" wasn't anything like the one from a fortnight ago. It was heated, she wasn't happy and, once the bad attitude started, neither was I.

It's rare for us to fight about money. We do a budget together every month, our finances are joined, we go through everything together. It's just that we haven't been putting money aside for a house move, even if we allegedly want to do it real bad.  And the thing is we could have put thousands aside for it in the last few months and chose to put money towards other things instead.

We can save aggressively because a) we have no debt, b) we have no car and c) because I have a side hustle (translating) that I can turn on and off like a tap. If we need money in a few months I can basically work every evening and in two months there'd be a bunch of cash there from normal and side work.

But we just haven't been putting the money aside.

In last night's altercation there was no name calling or insults, just a lot of emotion, desperation and sullenness coming from W.

I don't know how to get through to her when she's like that other than being completely blunt, matter of fact and direct.

Borrowing to move is not and never will be an option. If we have to borrow then it means we can't afford it.

I think I may have lived in Germany too long and absorbed German attitudes to debt, work and direct communication. But it's obviously working for them because they have a prosperous, functioning country.

Again, thanks for replying.
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Bomb & Separation: 28th January 2008
Moved in with OM for 5 months
EA/PA persisted from 2008 to 2010
Kids: DS ( 10 ), DD ( 9 ) confirmed mine with paternity tests
Another DS (3)
MLC lasted 6-7 years

S
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Hopefully, your W will come to you when the dust settles and tries to talk with more thought to your feelings.  I am sure neither of you want to feel like you do now.

I remember that when xH and I had a fight, he would be very factual and I would let emotions get the better of me and say the most stupid things.  It was all because I felt unloved or unheard by him, and that I wasn't worth listening to. I always just needed a hug and told how much he loved me and that we would work together on a solution which rarely happened.  People need to learn how to fight fair.  I truly believe I know that now but he is gone and I don't have that chance.

Men always try to fix things and women just want to be heard and loved.  She loves you, just tell her you love her too.  She will feel calmer buy now and hopefully want to sort things out.
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"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

T
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Wife has been very apologetic and conciliatory recently after she booked a holiday because her sister is visiting from Australia.  We had briefly discussed the possibility of this but no concrete arrangements. 

Anyway, she went ahead and organised it without telling me and I was ****ing furious.  I found it profoundly inconsiderate, given it would mean I would have to take time off work and that she is taking our S8 (because we can't all afford to go).

I was especially angry because she had spent the best part of a month getting on my case about moving into a new house, blaming me for it not happening, and then she goes and indulges in the very behaviour that has prevented us improving our living arrangements all along - thoughtless spending.

There was no name-calling or insults this time but I did make it very clear how I felt about it.  Is said it felt utterly hypocritical to me.

She said she felt "compelled" to do it because her sister was coming over and that "she won't be coming to Germany for a few more years".

Anyway, what's good enough of the goose is good enough for the gander.  I am going to England for a week in may to visit my parents, sisters, uncles and aunties and taking D7 and S1 with me.  The biggest expense will be the 380,-€ spent on the flights to get there.

I think my W is nuts.  She is going to be apart from S1 for nine days and will probably miss him terribly.

She has promised to "make it up to me".  Curious as to what that might entail.
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« Last Edit: April 26, 2018, 02:24:11 PM by The Navigator »
Bomb & Separation: 28th January 2008
Moved in with OM for 5 months
EA/PA persisted from 2008 to 2010
Kids: DS ( 10 ), DD ( 9 ) confirmed mine with paternity tests
Another DS (3)
MLC lasted 6-7 years

S
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Very inconsiderate of your W Navigator, what happened to 'communication' which is so vital after MLC?

She needs to re-evaluate what is really important to her.  I'm not sure your 'tit for tat' reaction was the best idea?  Pretty juvenile of both of you in this case.

Possibly taking a course on improving  communication would benefit you both.  If you keep going on this way, the marriage could end.  Such terrible role models for your children, I hope you don't drag them into this relationship style of madness.

Read your own post again and see how terrible it is!
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« Last Edit: April 26, 2018, 04:49:02 PM by Savoir Faire »
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

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Well to hell with it..if you both aren't on the same page to get a different place..just keep spending the money whatever way you want to!

Just let her know that all either of you are doing is putting priorities in other places and you do not want to hear "I want a house I want a house I want a house" in the near future. You are either in this together or you aren't.

If you both need or want to go visit family then go do it and try not to regret it financially.
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There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

T
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  • Posts: 197
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  • Beaten paths are for beaten men
Very inconsiderate of your W Navigator, what happened to 'communication' which is so vital after MLC?
Communication?

Most times it happens, sometimes it doesn't.

I told my wife that the worst thing about this particular situation is that I know she will do it again.

She needs to re-evaluate what is really important to her.
She does.  I said to her that she can bleat all she wants about a house being the most important thing to her but that it evidently isn't, otherwise she would have been insisting we put money aside for a move all this time.  If her words and her actions are out of sync then her words become worthless instantaneously.

Instead she has been more than happy to go on vacation instead.

I'm not sure your 'tit for tat' reaction was the best idea?  Pretty juvenile of both of you in this case.
So what am I supposed to do?

This holiday is presented to me as a fait accompli and I'm checkmated into taking leave because D7 and S1 need looking after.

If I have to take leave then I'm certainly not going to sit around at home - I'm going to do something worthwhile with it, otherwise it's a complete waste.

I'm done with this "being the better person" crap.  Look where it's got all of us on here.  Granted, my wife and I are still married, have made a family and it's more positive than it is negative, but our marriage still isn't what it could be.

Possibly taking a course on improving communication would benefit you both.  If you keep going on this way, the marriage could end.
I know, and I am more or less in the process of making peace with this outcome.

Our kids saw us get out of debt and build a four month reserve (which we still have) but I would agree that our marriage isn't one which I want them to have.

My parents' marriage is not a role model for my own one either.
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Bomb & Separation: 28th January 2008
Moved in with OM for 5 months
EA/PA persisted from 2008 to 2010
Kids: DS ( 10 ), DD ( 9 ) confirmed mine with paternity tests
Another DS (3)
MLC lasted 6-7 years

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I'm sorry Navigator,  I would have been angry too.  You worked so hard to get out of debt.  It was pretty thoughtless on her part.

I hope things work out for you two.

Just make it very clear you NEED to know if she is going to book something ahead of time.  Or any decision, when it comes to spending a large amount on something.

Well, enjoy your family trip.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Your holiday is at the same time as hers, so it bears no extra burden on her. I don't think it's tit-for-tat as much as resolving that the house thing isn't going to happen and you are taking advantage of the time off to do something with the other kids that benefits them.

They hypomanic-like planning and spending on a whim brings back memories. Unfortunately that wasn't just MLC behavior for mine, but it has definitely gotten worse during this. It's good people see there isn't a "magical resolve" of all of their issues, but I'm sorry you're having to experience it still. I'm glad you weren't farther along in securing a new home before she did this!
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"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

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Nav,
10 years later, same BS...why? because she can...
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