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Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Bomb dropped in 2008 | Still married and together 10 years later

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Yep Navigator I'm still here..not sure why.

Things are going ok as they can be. I've moved on, very happy with the new man in my life. Now if I could just get a bit more of this figured out I might have a little more peace. Other things I'm working on trying to get done to help get me to that peace of mind.

 Now it's not ME holding ME back..there's something trying to slow me down!  >:( ;D ;D

Glad to hear things are still calm and moving forward.
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There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

T
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Just checking in.

Nothing much to report other than W and I celebrated 21 years together in July, we've recently done road trips to Poland, Slovenia and Italy and we have "dates" at weekends during the afternoon when S3 is asleep. S10 and D9 "babysit" him and we go to the coffee shop across the street and chat for a few hours.

Working at home 2 days per week. W apparently wishes it were more.

My Dad (71) in England is showing the first signs of dementia. Gets completely confused processing new information or dealing with numbers (online banking), has forgotten how to keep score on a cribbage board (he must have played it for 50 years), and he's forgotten how to play "Connect 4". He also forgets words for things, says "the thing with the bubble in it" rather than "spirit level".

This is a real mixed bag of emotions. I don't really have a "relationship" with Dad as such. We're not estranged, but we speak very seldom. It's a mixed bag for my sister who lives locally too. He was physically present when we were little but emotionally "elsewhere". We grew up with zero self-esteem, feeling about as significant as a small speck of **** on the toilet bowl which hadn't been noticed during cleaning.

Focus is supporting and unburdening my mother (67) as much as possible. We also have another sister in her late 30s in assisted living who needs lots of care.

Anyway, grateful for my life now aged 44. Have a lovely W and 3 beautiful children, no debt, normal weight, normal blood pressure, good job. Also grateful to be in regular contact with friends I've had for more than 30 years.

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Bomb & Separation: 28th January 2008
Moved in with OM for 5 months
EA/PA persisted from 2008 to 2010
Kids: DS ( 10 ), DD ( 9 ) confirmed mine with paternity tests
Another DS (3)
MLC lasted 6-7 years

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Good Navigator all sounds good. It would be hard I would think to help with father who treated you" less than " then try to have concern for him.  Has he been diagnosed yet?

Help who you can which would be your mother.

Grateful, grateful, grateful is the key to contentment. :)
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There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

T
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  • Beaten paths are for beaten men
Hey in it,

Great to hear from you and see you're still here.

Yes, helping Mum is the top priority. My sister, Mum and I have been sorting out power of attorney should both of them cease to be compos mentis.

I don't think Dad actively set out to be belittling but he did it expertly with my sister and me. He simply doesn't "get" how his behaviour and attitude impacts on those closest to him so I've erected the Berlin Wall around myself.
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Bomb & Separation: 28th January 2008
Moved in with OM for 5 months
EA/PA persisted from 2008 to 2010
Kids: DS ( 10 ), DD ( 9 ) confirmed mine with paternity tests
Another DS (3)
MLC lasted 6-7 years

S
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Hi Navigator

Thanks for popping by.  Your update has given me a little more encouragement.  7.5 yrs on from BD and seemingly stuck in reconnection - beginning to feel as though it's a waste of my time and energy.   

Thanks though for showing that life does get good and that rebuilding is possible.

I'm sorry to hear about your dad - know the feeling as I had it with my mum although mercifully it was shortlived owing to a very nasty fall that ultimately created other health problems that we knew nothing about.
However my MIL had Dementia for 10 years and towards the end it was difficult.  So you're right to build a Berlin Wall to help with your resilience - keep a chink open now and then though....
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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

T
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Good evening Board,

I sincerely wish everyone here a very happy new year.

There is nothing really to add to my "situation". We're locked down here in Germany, I work from home 3 or more days per week, the two older children are doing school from home with their teachers and classes.

Can't believe my wife and I have been married nearly 19 years, together 21.5 years.

I am doing a lot of work on myself at the moment, going back into the past, right to when I was 18 months old. I still remember things from that early in my life.

It's absolutely imperative that I make peace with the past. There are some demons in my past, which is the same for many of us, There's nothing I can do about the past - it is what it is - I just want to be free of it. I want freedom.

Stay safe everyone.
  • Logged
Bomb & Separation: 28th January 2008
Moved in with OM for 5 months
EA/PA persisted from 2008 to 2010
Kids: DS ( 10 ), DD ( 9 ) confirmed mine with paternity tests
Another DS (3)
MLC lasted 6-7 years

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Navigator -
Thanks for coming here and updating.
I wish you the best of luck in sorting out your past, and am so happy that you and your family are still together.

Stay safe also.

Sea
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Seahorses have one mate for life...

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Hello,

Quote
I am doing a lot of work on myself at the moment, going back into the past, right to when I was 18 months old. I still remember things from that early in my life.

This is quite amazing. I can't even remember 18 seconds ago. I find myself in a room and asking myself, "Why am I here. I know I am here for a reason, but can't remember.  So the fact that you can go so far back is incredible.

Quote
It's absolutely imperative that I make peace with the past. There are some demons in my past, which is the same for many of us, There's nothing I can do about the past - it is what it is - I just want to be free of it. I want freedom.

This is a lot of work. I don't have a lot of demons, but somehow they manage to creep up from time to time. Most of mine come from the ages of 15-22. To be honest, I was a self-centered know-it-all and basically a complete jerk. Personally, I would really dislike going back to being a teenager so I hope I never have my own mid life crisis. Now, I pass for a half way decent human being, but there is always room for growth.

Quote
Can't believe my wife and I have been married nearly 19 years, together 21.5 years.

Keep us up to date and make sure you continue to celebrate all the successes, both big and small. So often focus on our failures with a magnifying glass that we overlook the abundance of the little great things we do everyday!

((((Ready))))

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"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

T
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So you're right to build a Berlin Wall to help with your resilience - keep a chink open now and then though....

Hi Song & Dance,

I owe you a response.

Thanks for replying. Regarding that Berlin Wall ..... it was actually possible to cross the original Berlin Wall which stood from 1961 to 1989, but it could only be done with either great cunning and ingenuity or by crossing at official crossing points, with the correct permits. And those permits were extremely difficult to obtain.

That's the Wall I've got up around my heart when it comes to Dad. I love him very much, he's the only Dad I'll ever have, and I also know what he's like. He's to be managed like a hazardous substance, with the right protective gear and with limited exposure. It can be done, but you need a plan.

  • Logged
Bomb & Separation: 28th January 2008
Moved in with OM for 5 months
EA/PA persisted from 2008 to 2010
Kids: DS ( 10 ), DD ( 9 ) confirmed mine with paternity tests
Another DS (3)
MLC lasted 6-7 years

 

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